Too many questions, too much time.

Today is Sunday---the 15th of February. It is the date of the Daytona 500, the first "official" Nascar race of 2009. It is also the day after Valentines day, and the day before I start my new job. It is more importantly, my second day of living alone. What I thought would be easy has turned out to be much more than that. This is not easy, it's lonely. There, I said it---admitting that does not come easy to me. I want to need no one, but find that I might and this fact is distressing to me. But it is only day two. I have had no life of any kind for months now, and what used to be a compliment to my life became the central focus, and I do not believe any relationship can stand up to that kind of scrutiny for very long. No one person should have to be a lifeline for anyone else, that's a huge undertaking that even Superman would tire of quickly. I have not been the clinging vine that those words bring to mind, but rather the resentful shrew purposely not waiting at the front door. But there has been a smile on my face. No one could accuse me of being a bitch. I have this uncanny ability to put the pressure on, even while doing something as mundane and helpful as cooking dinner. The unspoken word here, with my children and those that are close to this family, is that Jamie is the one that wants it this way...Jamie is the one who pushed him out the front door. I would like to set the record straight here, if you all don't mind. Jamie wanted it as much as Mark did. Perhaps Mark wanted it more, because I must tell you all, that had there been one word uttered during the packing and hauling, Jamie would have broken down and said, NO. But I didn't do that, because he didn't hesitate. This was not a war of wills, it was done out of necessity, to hopefully preserve what we have left. To hopefully regain some of the respect, desire, and fun of what we used to be together, because there is none of that left. Is that even possible? After almost fifteen years together, is it possible to feel anything like it once was? I know that kind of time changes people, obviously we cannot be the same as we were back when we first met. I don't expect that, but I do expect to like each other again, to look forward to time spent together. Maybe I just am incapable of the long term, as my first marriage broke up in just about the same time frame. Maybe I have unrealistic views of what life truly is supposed to be. But I am struggling here, with all of these questions. The doing is over, and I am trying hard not to give in to what's easiest, to keep this separation going so that something can be gained. To give it up now, because the newness of the situation is painful, would not accomplish anything. Most certainly, within days, we would be right back where we were, just the day before yesterday. And honestly, it makes no difference, as this whole mess depends on two of us, and I don't know where he is in all of it. Too many questions...too much time.

And yes, I finally start my job tomorrow. I am ready to go, but apprehensive. This has to be right for me...I can't take anything else being wrong. Wish me luck.




Oh--and I did get flowers yesterday for the big V---they aren't the usual white roses, but I feel certain these meant more. They were from my beautiful daughter. :)