Friday, February 13, 2009

Every now and then I fall apart

I have been a very busy girl. Doing what, you all wonder? I'm not really sure to be honest, but I wake up early in the morning and fall onto the couch in the evening, and I am tired. Not from working, at least not in the conventional sense. I still have no start date for my job and I am getting irritated...but all in good time, I know. It isn't up to me or I would have been there for a week already. I did visit the place this past Wednesday, I needed to pick up some literature for the brand of vehicles that we sell - I have no knowledge of one of them, have never been that kind of dealer. Because I intend to sell a few, I thought it a good idea to learn what I am talking about...and the brochures that I brought home helped, at least until the print in them got to small to read. I really like the look of the place and those that I have met seem personable enough. I can't help but be really nervous about the whole thing--not about the work, in that area I am sure of myself, but about the dynamic of the place and I have to tell you, it has been YEARS since I have worked in a place with that many young people, and I have never been employed where so much hair gel was used on the male persuasion. But they were all friendly enough and like everywhere else I ever land, I'm sure it won't take long until I am the "MOM" in this group, too.

Yesterday, I woke up in a foul mood, and declared I was not going to leave the place all day long, I have book work that needs finishing. The next thing I's nearly seven in the evening, no one has had dinner, I have been running around all day with one or all of my kids, I have had company that I had not expected, my phone rang literally all day was just one of those busy-busy days. It was way better than sitting here pissy all day, but I am left with unfinished work that has to get handled. Deadlines...what deadlines?

I have a new phone. It is going to be the death of me...It's a blackberry curve and I really like it. I will just never learn to work it. It rang all night long last night...every time I got an email. That is my fault, I told Janelle to hook me up all the way..but this morning, I have got to turn that feature OFF...I must get a hundred junk emails a day. This is going to be a learning experience, to put it mildly. I also have to learn a new this phone is a part of the Bill family and comes from Florida, so I now even have a new area code. I know that telling this is dating myself, but back when I was a little girl in the 60's we had a party line. An old phone on the wall, with an operator on the other end when you picked it just look at the phone world today. Poor old Ma Bell has most certainly rolled over in her grave several times by now... It does have several features that I will like, today I am going to buy a memory card so that I can get the full ipod effect..I have wanted one of those for quite some time now.

Poor kitty did go to the vet yesterday and he has an upper respiratory infection - in my world, that's a cold, right? He is on the pink bubble gum flavored gunk that I used to give my kids when they were little. He likes it even less than they did, way back then. It's funny how one little fourteen pound cat can fight like a world champion heavy weight when it comes to shoving a dropper down his throat. And we have a whole week of this ahead.

Today, lots of snow. GAH. We have had a taste of nice weather this week and I am so fed up with the whole winter thing. Also, youngest sister Shell is supposed to be here late in the day, so unless the weather is really bad, I will get to see my niece, Carli. I am excited about that.

Okay, so now on to the business at hand. Mark and I are separating. He is leaving tomorrow, with the dog. I am sad, there is no doubt about it. However, this is a necessary step. Hopefully, for the both of us, we will be able to work it out. If not, again for the both of us, life is too short to live unhappily. He seems to think that the outside problems have caused the issues between us. I can't say I completely agree, but they certainly have not helped. In this past year, we have made some decisions that have not turned out the way we had hoped, and I can't say if that's completely our faults, or just partly. I suppose at this time, the fault is not important, although when in the middle of this kind of mess, who's fault it is always comes up. In any event, we are not fighting, this is an agreeable situation, but it does not mean it doesn't hurt. I have not enjoyed telling those that I love about this, nor do I enjoy telling you all. In many ways, it feels like another failure but like I have been saying here on my blog for quite some time now, when is it okay to live for what you want, and not for what everyone else wants? I have decided the time is NOW. I am scared but also feel hopeful. For what, I can't say right now. I have not had the opportunity to live all alone for ... ever? I guess I have never had the luxury of doing things the way I want to do them, without having to consider the husband or the kids. I am not even sure I will like it, but one thing I am sure of: I need this. He needs this. We are not a done deal, not by any means. We still have all kinds of things that will keep us "together" in a different sense of the word. I love him very much, and he says he feels the same. But we quit being a couple quite some time ago, and now we are very good friends. I like having friends but I don't want to live with them. I dread the actual "doing" and tomorrow will not be easy. Enough said.

Happy Friday, to those of you that actually get to work and work the normal work hours. I cannot wait for that again. PLUS --- it's the 13th. Good heavens.


Summer said...

I don't know what to say about this. I do hope you're going to be ok.

Smocha said...

Ooh. I don't know what to say either.
I hate to hear this .But obviously, you know what is best for "you".
I hope everything starts looking UP for you.Lord knows you have suffered enough.LOL

Before I read that last part , I was going to say "boy, your world sounds very exciting compared to mine right now."

I never lived alone until I was an oldster, and I must say, it does have it 's good points :)

I'll be keeping you in my prayers.


Cheryl said...

What a surprise ending to your post. I'm glad you shared that with us. We're your friends, your online support, and we want the very best for you. You're going to be fine.

I can't wait for you to start your job! I always look forward to going into work because instead of the million things that pull you at home (like your day yesterday), at work you just have one job.

I've learned how to use many a new phone on vacation. Just me, the beach, the manual and the phone. I learned how to use my iPhone at Borders with iPhone books and magazines. I hope I don't have to learn how to use another one for a long time.

I'll be thinking about you!

ac said...

You are very brave. I will be keeping you in my thoughts, Jamie. I know everything will work out well. You deserve nothing less. Hugs! ac

Portia said...

Oh. Hugs, Jamie. Hopefully getting into the swing of a new job will help things feel like they're finally falling into place.

Mary said...

The news is unexpected and sad. The good part is that you are friends. I hope a little time bring you together again. The two of you have had a very hard year. Will Mark still be living close? I really don't know what difference it makes but somehow in my mind it does.

I was alone for 15 years. It was hell for the first few months but in the end it was hard to give up the freedom. I'm sure it will be the same for you. Just know that during those months of hell I'll be pulling for you and offering any and all support that I can. I'll also be cheering for you when the sun shines again in your world.

Meantime, you have my love, prayers, and best wishes.

Brad said...

I just want you to be happy, whatever it takes. Hugs friend.

Raine said...

Its a loss, even if its mutually agreeable its still a loss. ((((J))))))

Terri said...

sometimes its fun to go and catch up on friends' blogs and sometimes it's sad. I'm sad for you today! :o( I hope this is the right decision for you both and that things work out. Enjoy your time alone but don't be surprised if its not like you dreamed it might be. I can't help but think how like Job your life seems to be this past year. I can tell you're a fighter but it gets old eh? Hugs to you girl!

fiwa said...

Girl, I am so sorry that I am just getting around to reading this.

I know how hard that must have been to tell everyone - I'm glad that part is over for you. I think you and Mark made a smart decision - you're trying to find a way around the problems before things become really ugly.

I hope this is good for both of you - that you can both find the peace and happiness you are looking for, whether it's together or not.

I love you, dear blog friend, and I am proud of you.



you are in my thoughts. Life is just not fair and I wish that you would have fair daily. You'll be in my prayers at night..Mark too.
Just so you know, you're very strong and I'm lucky to read you. :)