Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Is it broken? Bring it to me....

I am feeling rather pissy this morning, mildly so, but pissy still. I get up, read my email, find that I have once again lost the bid on the jeans at ebay, I will bid again, but the price will be way up over retail, it really gets me to lose a bid. Lucky break for the seller, to have an unreasonable bitch bidding on her ordinary, but no longer made, jeans. Shit. Next email tells me that the shower present I had bought for YS's GF's sister's new baby won't be shipped until the first of May, due to circumstances beyond their control----riiiiight. Double shit. The shower is this Saturday, I have zero time to go to the big city to shop, now what the hell am I going to do? I ordered the damned gift almost three weeks ago, thinking I was doing good, being organized. Dammit.

I have been asked to "fix" many things recently, and frankly, it's really starting to grate on my nerves. Yesterday was YS and GF. Big fight, YS always calls, wants to hear me tell him the real truth, but it wears me the hell out. Last week, it was D and her friend, I would think neither of them would want to talk to me, I am not always in their corner----I say it like it really is. If they have acted like asses, I tell them. Just because they are my kids does not mean I think they are always right. However, don't fuck with them, I don't let that slide. I am not ever violent, I am rarely even pushed to the point of saying anything about it, but my day ALWAYS comes. ALWAYS. But that's another story. So on the subject of fixing these things, obviously I can't just "fix" it. I can help, however. And I do try to. Both D and YS frequently need me to keep them grounded, from flying out there somewhere on another planet. I talk them back down, tell them what I believe to be true, and both of them always end the conversation with "I knew you'd say that, but I needed to hear it". I really don't mind, but it is so hard on me. They have no idea what I go through when the conversation is over. I am not saying this so they will quit, I am just looking for the day when they don't NEED me to tell them what's obvious. The day when what I have already said is right there, right out front, ready to meet their problems---and to take care of them. Just by KNOWING it already. At other times, money is the answer. I give what I have, and I always hope that the day will come when I won't have to. I have admit, in these cases that I am discussing today, monetary help was not asked for, but in the case of D, it really was called for. So I sent it. In the case of YS, I had given him money on the weekend, and it really wasn't a solution for the current issue. I did spend a fair amount of time on the internet for him, researching things that would help him. I hope that he follows through, we will see. I don't mind helping, but problems like these upset me, that's my problem, I am aware, but the idea of any of my kids hearts hurting or breaking, kills me, as we have discussed before. Not that each of them hasn't dealt with heartache, they have all had their fair share, but I don't seem to adjust, while I think they do. Just sayin.

I have had to "fix" many problems for my mom recently, and it has set me back a pretty large amount of money, but once again, it is expected. Tomorrow is her birthday, and I haven't really bought her anything, I feel like what I have done otherwise will have to be her gift. I am going to take her to lunch, so hopefully that will be a good enough day for her. That's assuming she will feel up to it, and that's questionable.

Well, on to my day. I am having problems with an employee, it is wrecking my karma at work, it will have to be dealt with the first of next week. I hate that shit. D is working with me today, I haven't seen her in forever, she was sick for a long time. YS is coming in for lunch. So that's two good things. Hopefully I can accomplish something, as well.