Friday saga

It began like any other day -- pain pain pain, but manageable, plus it's Friday, so that makes it great. And then I cleaned the kitty box, like I do every morning and every evening of my life. Only on this particular morning, I moved wrong, or some damned thing because now I can't stand up. Yea me, yea Friday, whatever. Blenheim.

A trip to Stonerville

This weekend has flown by----it is already Sunday. I have had a million plans for these two days, all of which have been changed. I was supposed to be having a lot of fun, and all I have managed to do is lay on my bed and try not to cry. Yep, the pain is back, and apparently it's pissed. I knew Friday morning that I was headed for trouble, and my condition has grown steadily worse since then. I am mad because I was to have gone to the sprint races with Bill last night, a music festival with Jordy and Tegan yesterday, a dinner out with Mark on Friday..and today, I am supposed to get to see my boys, my Brodie and Zach and I can already tell you that if I do, then I will be in worse shape for the week. The new drugs I have really help but leave me in Stonerville, a place I have visited before but never liked. Other than that, I am doing great. How are you? Happy Sunday, I am out.

Monday

So I get up this morning after a rough night with my back. Just walking along, carrying my coffee and bam...down to my knees. Sharp, shooting pains down my leg and in my back. Perfect...

A wonderful Monday, at home on the bed, in pain. The sun is even shining out there, and I am missing it. I hate missing work....ugh.

I hope your day is going better than mine. :(

Suggestions?

Even though things in my life are steady and even, even though the pressures bestowed by me have lessened, even though most things are manageable and easier, I still fight. I fight to make it through each and every damned day. It makes me tired. It makes my soul weary. It makes my eyes bleary and my mouth too exhausted to speak. I drag myself here, then I drag myself there. I have so much to say and too little energy remaining to say it. My brain wants to do so many things; my body literally will not agree. I am missing all the important things, managing only to do the ones that keep me living. I talk to my coworkers as necessary, I talk to the customers, I smile all day and really I want to snarl. Thank the good Lord that I can pray in my head, no energy required. Perhaps my issues are disease, perhaps they can be blamed on this relentless winter, perhaps a result of medication. Perhaps I am just a bitch. But I am missing out on all that is in my head. I am missing wonderful conversations with my sisters, the laughing, the remembering, the catching-up that is so needed. I am missing out on my beautiful grandchild, seeing him only once a week when my heart longs to see him more. I am missing conversations with my friends in real life, and those I love in blogland, such wonderful people that make my heart happy. Just too out of steam to do any living. It is as though there are a limited number of words allowed me each day and I use every one of them up at my job, with nothing left over after work hours. I talk with my children by remote, surely by now they know how that their hearts are what beats inside my chest, and yet I have little energy to show them or tell them that these days. The very idea that this is what I am left with for the remaining years of my life makes me cry. I will not and can not endure that. Maybe I need a vacation. Maybe I need a diversion. I'm open to suggestions, opinions, anything.

Yep

The past week has been so difficult for me, emotionally. I think I am a bit overwhelmed, but with what? I have had much, much more difficult times and tasks in this life of mine, but recently what I do have before me is getting to me. Work has been a complete nightmare, and added to my list of tasks that can't get done is a crashed computer. Back up and running now, but behind. The deadlines are mostly self-imposed but still...hard for me to handle. Personally, life is getting me down. Not my own personal baggage, really. But kids with troubles and sadness and issues and money problems, both theirs and mine. And Mark...oh Mark. I am not sure where the mess is heading with him but I cannot begin any more days with struggles with him. I am already teetering on the edge. I feel guilty for complaining because generally wallowing in my messes brings on messes that are bigger and badder. But I am near the point of breaking and then what? I need a vacation. And warm, sunny days. And some kind of happiness beyond that of solitude. Because lately? That's what I look forward to. Better days ahead, right?


***Update...just realized this was my 1000th post. Well wonderful that it is written about such happy, uplifting things in my life. Swell.***

The joys of being ME

I have had a pretty good weekend. It has been a busy one, which is unusual for my life these days, but still good. Friday night Mark and I went out and I had a great time. Yesterday, Janelle and I spent the better part of the day running around, it was a beautiful day...and I had enough energy to get out and enjoy it. Which leaves me wondering why I feel so assy this morning. That would be assy with a capital A. It's Easter for heavens sake. I am having all my kiddos and Mark here for dinner. I should be feeling pretty good about that, if nothing else. However, I mostly want to go back to bed and cover my head this morning. Bleh. Happy Easter.