Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Even though things in my life are steady and even, even though the pressures bestowed by me have lessened, even though most things are manageable and easier, I still fight. I fight to make it through each and every damned day. It makes me tired. It makes my soul weary. It makes my eyes bleary and my mouth too exhausted to speak. I drag myself here, then I drag myself there. I have so much to say and too little energy remaining to say it. My brain wants to do so many things; my body literally will not agree. I am missing all the important things, managing only to do the ones that keep me living. I talk to my coworkers as necessary, I talk to the customers, I smile all day and really I want to snarl. Thank the good Lord that I can pray in my head, no energy required. Perhaps my issues are disease, perhaps they can be blamed on this relentless winter, perhaps a result of medication. Perhaps I am just a bitch. But I am missing out on all that is in my head. I am missing wonderful conversations with my sisters, the laughing, the remembering, the catching-up that is so needed. I am missing out on my beautiful grandchild, seeing him only once a week when my heart longs to see him more. I am missing conversations with my friends in real life, and those I love in blogland, such wonderful people that make my heart happy. Just too out of steam to do any living. It is as though there are a limited number of words allowed me each day and I use every one of them up at my job, with nothing left over after work hours. I talk with my children by remote, surely by now they know how that their hearts are what beats inside my chest, and yet I have little energy to show them or tell them that these days. The very idea that this is what I am left with for the remaining years of my life makes me cry. I will not and can not endure that. Maybe I need a vacation. Maybe I need a diversion. I'm open to suggestions, opinions, anything.


Happyone :-) said...

It sounds as though you are really depressed. Perhaps some counseling would help.
Try to concentrate on the happy things in your life.
If you keep praying I'm sure God will help you find joy again.
I'm sending happy thoughts and prayers your way. :-)

SOUL said...

unfortunately, you already know what is causing you to feel this way.
you said it yourself - the pain, and all that goes with it - the life, and all that goes with it -- is not an easy combination.
you have very few choices when you have the hand that you have been dealt.
chronic pain and illness does eventually take it's toll. it does, and will affect every relationship in your life.
the thing is-- you have a strong family that loves you very very much. and in those rare cases. they take you how-- and however you are.
cuz you got soul my friend.
it's one day at a time- one dr at a time- one horrible pill at a time.
some days are extremely long. some days you can't move or talk-- or you don't want to move or talk.
your family loves you-- they understand. more than you know . more than you will ever know.
take my word for it-- don't let guilt start eatin at you. cuz it's like leprosy . once it starts- it doesn't stop.
trust me-- your family doesn't resent that you don't feel good.
they love you.
and your friends understand that life is not kind sometimes.

jamie... if i can do this-- i know you can too.
your family won't give you a choice ya know.

and brodie would be happy layin on the floor with you -- babies are easy to please.


ps-- it's ok to cry. and it's ok to laugh. and it's ok to be pissed off.
just don't give up-- cuz you got a long way to go.

Craig said...

I suggest a vacation to colorado :) I love you so much and can't wait to see you! And I'm here anytime you need me...

Dani said...

I'm 100% with Craig. Come visit us in Colorado and enjoy the warm(er) fresh air and the beautiful backdrop of mountains! We can't wait to see you!

Cheryl said...

I don't think for a minute that the rest of your days will be like this. You have too much inside you and you're way too young. You have people that will stand by you. You know your blog friends will and I know your family and real friends will to. The job you have to deal with and you do. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not fair. And see if you can see more of Brodie. A vacation would be fantastic if you could swing it.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Oh sweetie....I can't say I know exactly how you feel cause no one does unless they walk a mile in your shoes....but I've sure had my share of days like this....of emotions like this...the bitterness, the unfairness of it all. But...we go on because of those we love...because we want to make memories...because OF love. This time of year affects most people in a negative manner...its just too many dark, dreary days...too many days of cold and dampness. Its hard on the old body. My doctor has suggested I take Vitamin D-3. I am taking 4000 units of it daily and I do feel better. Its not a cure-all...but I DO feel better....maybe you should ask doc about it and see. Big hugs to an awesome lady. Hang in there...spring is coming! xo

Lena said...

All good advice above.

Try to build in some day to day things that you really enjoy that don't take a great deal of physical energy.

I like to read inspirational books, color, make some art, listen to music, call a friend. Little things to look forward to help.

I could have written your post myself, that is how much I relate. I know I need to do more to work on my issues, but for now I do what I can.

I hope tomorrow is better for u.


Leann said...

Jamie ~ It breaks my heart to hear how much pain you are in physically as well as emotionally. I can relate to some of your feelings however, I am fortunate enough to not be fighting the physical pain. I do know how much depression can take out of your life. I, too, would encourage you to seek counseling or a support group of people who are dealing with the same issues you are. There is always hope, always light at the end of the tunnel. Those above speak the truth when they say that your family loves you for who you are and what you can do. I SO completely understand the desire to see your Brody more often than you do. I long to see mine more often as well.

I hear the fight and spunk in you so I know you will fight thru this and come out the other side a winner!! Hang in there, talk to us as needed if you feel you can't verbalize one more word to another sole. You can talk to us in your head as well :-)

I know prayer works. HE always hears us. Rest assured you are in HIS loving hands.

I am pleased to hear you are feeling better (hugs)

Blessings to you my dear woman!


Gypsy said...

Well know I am with you in this.

Let me put forward something to think about. I know the constant heat and the seeming never endingness of it gets to me big time because of how it effects me and I think maybe the same thing is happening to you with the cold. It's been months and months and it's just too much, but it's nearly over for another year.

When the sun starts shining again your heart will feel lighter and everything else will follow. Sure the pain will still be there but your state of mind will enable you to deal with it more effectively.

As soon as I feel the days cooling down it does wonders for my emotional state and I feel like a different person to the one who endures the relentless heat.

We'll hang in there together Jamie because very soon we have to celebrate being 50 and I can't have you giving up on me. Not gonna happen.

Treat yourself to a vacation with Craig and Dani and let someone look after YOU for a change. Just DO deserve it.

Travie said...

Jam- i can only say that i love you so much and it sure seems that everyone i am related to and know is struggling so bad now with all serious things. Maybe Pat has the answer - she just said " I just wish Jesus would come back". I guess we keep plugging minute by minute. I miss you.

fiwa said...

Reading all the comments from the people who love you brings tears to my eyes. Count me in there among them too, please.

I don't have any good advice for you - I know, like Soul said, that it's chronic pain and chronic pain brings on depression. All I can say is, don't beat yourself up for the way you feel. I don't want to say accept it, because I hope that at some point some doctor will come up with the miracle answer for you, but accept that you can't do everything and be ok with that. When you feel bad, imagine that you are wrapped in a warm blanket made of the love of all your friends and family. Wrap it around yourself and know that we all care about you.