Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Even though things in my life are steady and even, even though the pressures bestowed by me have lessened, even though most things are manageable and easier, I still fight. I fight to make it through each and every damned day. It makes me tired. It makes my soul weary. It makes my eyes bleary and my mouth too exhausted to speak. I drag myself here, then I drag myself there. I have so much to say and too little energy remaining to say it. My brain wants to do so many things; my body literally will not agree. I am missing all the important things, managing only to do the ones that keep me living. I talk to my coworkers as necessary, I talk to the customers, I smile all day and really I want to snarl. Thank the good Lord that I can pray in my head, no energy required. Perhaps my issues are disease, perhaps they can be blamed on this relentless winter, perhaps a result of medication. Perhaps I am just a bitch. But I am missing out on all that is in my head. I am missing wonderful conversations with my sisters, the laughing, the remembering, the catching-up that is so needed. I am missing out on my beautiful grandchild, seeing him only once a week when my heart longs to see him more. I am missing conversations with my friends in real life, and those I love in blogland, such wonderful people that make my heart happy. Just too out of steam to do any living. It is as though there are a limited number of words allowed me each day and I use every one of them up at my job, with nothing left over after work hours. I talk with my children by remote, surely by now they know how that their hearts are what beats inside my chest, and yet I have little energy to show them or tell them that these days. The very idea that this is what I am left with for the remaining years of my life makes me cry. I will not and can not endure that. Maybe I need a vacation. Maybe I need a diversion. I'm open to suggestions, opinions, anything.