Here I am.

Friends -- I so, SO apologize. I totally HATE when people just disappear from here, I always think it is so selfish and rude, to leave people that care about you left to worry and wonder. And here I am, doing this to all of you. I am sorry. I have reasons, but they still all end up excuses, and there is no reason good enough to make people wonder and worry about me.

I am okay. (if you know me at all, that is code for I am not okay, not one little bit). But I am still breathing and brushing my teeth and hair each day. I am just so far down that I can't look up and see even a tiny amount of daylight. I live this life of mine the same each day, sitting here, waiting for God-only-knows what, to rescue me. So far, that has not happened. I don't really believe it will happen, not anymore. Pain has taken my life completely over, and I live for the next pill.

I am not working, I am not doing anything, I am not really living. But I am breathing.

I love you all and I am so sorry. One day soon, things will change. I hope. Until then, carry on.  :)

Twas the day before Turkey, and all through the house

Here I am, at home...on the day before Thanksgiving. It's okay - this was a planned day off. After all, I have a huge meal to pull together by tomorrow noon, somehow. The days before today, Monday and Tuesday - they weren't so planned. Yes, I was home then, too. Well, on Monday I was home early in the afternoon. Yesterday, I was back at home before ten am. Yes--I am having all kinds of trouble walking, sitting, laying, even just effin' breathing. My pain level is about a 13, on a scale of 1 to 10. I cannot walk, not far anyway, I am doing this weird loping, loose legged thing that I used to do before my neck surgery. Sometimes. Not always. Suffice it to say I am in really bad shape. I am taking large amounts of narcotics, they really do help. But oh Buddy, when they wear off, lookout. Tears and gnashing of teeth, and the really ugly cry. Blenheim. Nothing I can do at this point.I just swallow pills the minute the next one is allowed. I am merely trying to make it though another day, job intact. So far, so good. We'll see how it is on Friday. They do understand as much as they can -- hell, I don't understand, not really...and we are all waiting to see if the stimulator helps. A week from Friday, the trial one will be put in/on. I dread it and look forward to it, if that makes any sense.

So, pies and cake and stuffing..please make yourself. Christmas trees, please decorate yourselves...

So here goes:

Hopefully, more than nothing.

Later.

Pissed off is way better than.....

It seems I am spending my life mildly (and not so mildly) irritated these days. This is so very not like me, but I am really getting pissed off and fed up with the pain in my neck. Unlike the rest of the pain I deal with every second of my day, this pain is really a pain. in. the. neck. Literally. This whole deal would be funny, if I had any sense of humor left in me, at all. (I lost it, and can't find it anywhere.)

Lately:

There is no life left in my coffee maker, and I have not done anything about it. I drop-kicked it accidentally a month or so ago, it has been glued back together but it leaks and irritates the bejesus out of me. The coffee no longer tastes all that great, although I suspect that is more to do with me than it. I have a nearly new percolator in the cupboard and should just use that. Yes, it takes awhile but it is almost indestrucible, although if anyone could kill it, it would be me.

The refrigerator that comes with this new place is ridiculously small. Seriously. I cannot find anything in it, it is literally jammed. It holds almost nothing, so I am in search of a used one to put in the garage. Surprisingly, those are not easy to find. I find one on CL, and by the time I contact the seller, it has already been sold. Who knew there would be a run on used fridges?

Work seems unusually difficult lately. Again, it's me, the job has not changed. I am just too pissy with my neck, and life in general to enjoy much of anything.

I am really looking forward to the second weekend in October. Our whole family (most of it..) is coming here for the weekend. Craig is flying home, oldest sister Trav will be here from Thursday to Sunday, younger sister Shell and family will be here on Saturday and Sunday, and Janelle and family and Jordy and Tegan will be here, too. I need this. I have no idea why, but seriously, I do.

I should get myself up and get to it. Another pissy day ahead of me. I want so much to feel differently---mentally I mean, although physically would clear up the mental, too.

Happy Hump Day, friends.   :)

I have been bloggerized

I just wrote an entire post. It was short but oh so sweet. I posted, now it's gone. The draft this is automatically saved contains the first line. The rest of my blog post is out there, somewhere---but not here where it belongs. The issues I have had with blogger recently are really beginning to annoy the crap out of me.

I hate to move---my blog, I mean. I have been at this address for the past five years...

But, come on. Recently, I write comments and post them, then later --- no comment. Now I am writing entire blog posts and they disappear?

Hope this is not indicitive of the day ahead of me.

Keep on keepin' on, Y'all.