Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Here I am.

Friends -- I so, SO apologize. I totally HATE when people just disappear from here, I always think it is so selfish and rude, to leave people that care about you left to worry and wonder. And here I am, doing this to all of you. I am sorry. I have reasons, but they still all end up excuses, and there is no reason good enough to make people wonder and worry about me.

I am okay. (if you know me at all, that is code for I am not okay, not one little bit). But I am still breathing and brushing my teeth and hair each day. I am just so far down that I can't look up and see even a tiny amount of daylight. I live this life of mine the same each day, sitting here, waiting for God-only-knows what, to rescue me. So far, that has not happened. I don't really believe it will happen, not anymore. Pain has taken my life completely over, and I live for the next pill.

I am not working, I am not doing anything, I am not really living. But I am breathing.

I love you all and I am so sorry. One day soon, things will change. I hope. Until then, carry on.  :)

25 comments:

Coffeypot said...

I know nothing of your pain, but I think that sticking the pain in it's ass would be good. Walk through it. Get out and do something, anything, just to get some fresh air and sunshine. If you can. Sitting and waiting seems so dead-end. But, then, I don't feel you pain level so I'll just shut up and slink away.

welcome to my world of poetry said...

I can imagine what you're going through and it's so easy for people to say get out in the sun but perhaps they have not suffered the severity of pain you have,
Many years ago I slipped a vertabrae for two painful years I had various treatments, in the end I had major surgery but even after that I get times of pain.
I wish you well and it's lovely to see you back here again.
Yvonne.

Ruth said...

I'm glad to hear from you. But sad that you aren't feeling good.

Jo-Anne's Rambling said...

I have nothing but the highest regard for people who live in pain 24/7 and still managed to get out of bed in the morning and fuction......

I have a low pain threshold and do not know how I would cope if I was in pain all the time.......people like you and my mum are just so amazing.........

I hope things settle down a bit and you start feeling like you can come and visit us here in blogland a bit more.........remember you can visit us in your pj's doped up on pain medication.........

Juli said...

Good to know that you're functioning. And if you were here, and told me you were okay, I'd look you in the eyes and hug you because I'd know that you were not.

(((HUGS)))

Josie Two Shoes said...

Oh I was so very glad to see this post pop up today!! I do think of you and pray for you constantly. My heart goes out to folks who must endure lives of chronic debilitating pain, I know sitting home on your arse is so very different from your determined nature and I'm not surprised it is wearing on your heart and soul as much as your body. I want to say it will get better, hang in there, and of course those words seem trite and meaningless. All I do know is that you are a survivor and you dragged me kicking, screaming, crying, and disbelieving thru the darkest time of my life. Somehow by the Grace of God we find a way to keep going, even when it seems so pointless. There are two little guys growing up, and surely more little ones in your future, that need their Grandma in their lives for a long time to come! New developments happen every day, new ways to address pain, what seems so hopeless right at the moment could be a new ballgame tomorrow or down the road. Don't you ever give up dear Jamie, we're survivors, remember? Your kids love you, your husband loves you, and your blog friends love you more than you know. Drag yourself over to the keyboard as often as you can to post a line or two here. We don't care what you say or what you talk about, just stay connected, you know it helps! Spring is coming, even up there in the cold lands, can you get outside to park under a tree in the sunshine? It would do you a world of good. HUGS Jamie, may God grant you some pain free moments so you can breathe. XOXO

Leann said...

It is good to see you again. I have been worried about you and wondering how you were. I truly am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. That the implant is not doing the job it should be doing. My prayers and positive thoughts are with you as are my thoughts always. Hang in there, get through your day the best way you can, and live for the future. Your grandchildren love and need you. Blessings my dear.

On The Road Again said...

Jamie, thanks for checking in with us, I was worried about you. I am so so sorry you cannot find any relief. Please try to keep us updated.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Oh Jamie....you know already how I feel! I am glad you posted....I was getting seriously worried especially when you didn't respond to email. Everyone above already said what I feel and wish for you. Just count me in as your forever friend and know that prayers are going up for you from me as well as your many other friends. Keep the faith....prayers are powerful. Love and hugs. xo

Lena said...

I am also so glad you checked in with all of us. I am so sorry things are so tough for you right now. I will keep hoping and praying for you that you will have better days ahead to look forward to!

Love,
Lena

R. Jacob said...

I am glad I can once more stop by.

Cheryl said...

Hi Jamie. You've been out of sight but not out of mind. You know that.

Maria said...

Jamie~the thing that amazes me in our little blog world is the connections that are made. I don't know you, never met you, but your words have touched something in me & I'm sure in others as well.
Chronic pain sucks. I know it firsthand. I live in pain everyday of my life. There have been days that I've felt it would never get better. There have been days when all I could do was lie in bed & sleep away the pain. It is truly a living nightmare. But I always prayed through it & continued to hope & dream. I tried to take pleasure in little things. I surround myself with children. You have a few cuties there. Sit outside & breathe in the fresh air. Indulge in a good book. Do whatever you can to make things easy on yourself. And don't apologize for feeling so miserable.
You have every right to raise your fists to fate but know that there is still so much good ahead for you. Praying that you will get stronger & be released from the gripping pain. Thinking of you, always.
Love,
Maria

Roe said...

This is my first time stopping by, and I am glad that I did. I am so sorry that you suffer with chronic pain, it is a destroyer of life. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about a year ago, so I know horrible pain all too well. I had to stop working and I am running half-assed even as an unemployed housewife (yuck!!!!) because this "thing" has got me so dam messed up from head to toe...Be strong Lady, and try to smile as much as possible...

Janie Fox said...

I have thought about you so often and prayed for you. I kept checking in now an then. SO glad you let us know how you are. I pray you find some relief. Hugs to you sweet one.

Noofy said...

Hope this finds you in less pain and able to do the things you've been missing, just enjoying life itself. I want to believe that's the reason you have departed from blogging and you are not ill. You are simply enjoying a less painful life. Sending prayers that you are doing well. Hugs!! (((Jamie)))

Happyone said...

I was reading some of my blog from a while back and came across one of your comments. Haven't been here in such a long time but came to say hi.
I am so sorry to hear of your pain and pray that you can find your way back to a life without so much pain and sadness.
Hang in there!

Noofy said...

Thinking of you on this Mother's Day and hoping you are doing okay. We miss you, hope you post soon. xoxo

R. Jacob said...

still thinking of you.

Raine said...

I hope it has gotten better for you somehow

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Josie Two Shoes said...

How I would love to see an update here. You are greatly missed, dear friend! :-))

Matt Conlon said...

Just wanted to stop by and see how you were. Hope things are looking up for you since your last update. Best of luck to you.

R. Jacob said...

still thinking of you...

Raine said...

thinking about you and hoping that life has gotten better for you.