Friday, December 23, 2011

There are pop tarts on highway 5.

It has been so long since I've been here, I can't really even offer a good excuse or even a reason. I have just been doing the bare minimum of life, and vegging the rest of the time. Winter is not my perfect time, it's not even a good time for me, I am cold every second. Or, I am roasting, in my house, car, at work. I hate the feeling of the heat running, I always feel like I am baking in an oven. It does however, beat freezing to death, so I choose baking.

Speaking of baking, I am going to try and accomplish a little of that today. I have had a perfectly horrid week, health-wise, and I have not worked more than I have. I have made it in a few mornings, only to hobble around and run out of steam early. The looks of pain on the faces of others that have to look at me is almost more than I can take. I know it bothers others to see me walking the way I have to on bad days, I remember it from before, dealing with it now is no different. The last time I went through this was in 2007. Mark ended up carrying me up and down the stairs in our home, and often other places. I eventually ended up with wheels - like in a wheel chair. The thought of that scares me, I am not sure I can do it again. At least this time I have no stairs. I am waiting on a few medical tests to be completed, actually waiting on the results. I insisted that I have them, just in case there is some sort of surgery that can help my neck, which would also hopefully fix the myelopathy that is taking over my legs. Once that is complete - and we know whether I need to see a surgeon or not, I will have the spinal stimulator scheduled. It will be sometime in January. If no surgery will help the neck and leg weakness, then I will have a second stimulator put in to help my neck, most likely sometime in the spring. In the meantime, I am trying to get by. I am sure that I will have to leave my job, at least temporarily - so I will be applying for temporary disability. Hopefully, it will all work out so that we will not starve to death. But I cannot continue this way. I do have tons and tons of end of the year work to be done, somehow, like everything else, I will manage. Just don't ask me how.  :)

I have the Christmas thing mostly ready to go. I have had a lot of help this year, and things just don't look like normal. I honestly don't have what it takes this year. But I am good with what has been done. Craig and new girlfriend will be home late, late tonight. Jordy and Tegan are in Cape Cod, visiting her family, so we will have our Christmas on Tuesday evening.

All in all, life is good. I am in pain hell, but I try really hard to look deeper and beyond.

Merry Christmas. Hugs and love.

J.

8 comments:

Coffeypot said...

Even with all the pain and the activities, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

Cheryl said...

Hi Jamie,
This is my first time on in a while. I miss your regular posts, but I'm as guilty as you about writing. You always had a lot to say, though. Even with your constant pain. I remember when you had to use a wheelchair. It's amazing that you got your mobility back after that, and that you thrived. I'm hoping for that again for you. You've always been able to handle what came your way, and I know you will continue to do so even if it's not in the way you want, which is to get your pain-free life back. Keep smiling Jamie. Enjoy your family and the little ones. I'm thinking about you from afar. Always.

Jo-Anne Rambling said...

I feel for you the thought of you being in so much pain is distressing to me and I do hope your Christmas is as pain free as possible......

Noofy said...

My knee recovery in no way compares to your neck pain, other than pain is pain. I'm walking with a limp, which I hope disappears in a few weeks. I hope your pain disappears too, at least becomes tolerable. I wish I could take your pain away. I know your frustration, you want your life back. Soar with the eagles dear friend, I am always here to listen. Merry Christmas, gentle hugs.

Lena said...

So sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time and missing so much work.

I hope that you were able to enjoy your Christmas despite the pain.

Take good care, my friend.

Maria said...

Oh Jamie~so sorry to hear about the pain. I am no fan of winter either. I am constantly cold, my skin is dry & splitting, my hands & feet get numb. I really despise this season, (winter) I hate to admit, but it just makes all the pain that much worse to bear.
Wishing you a Happy, Healthy, PAIN
FREE New Year.
Hugs,
Maria

welcome to my world of poetry said...

Happy New Year Jamie.
Take care.
Yvonne.

Raine said...

I hope the holidays have been good for you and that you are doing better. Happy New Years!