Sunday, May 08, 2011

Because I can

I am missing my mother today. Nothing new or unexpected, it just is that way. She was a great mother, she honestly believed that her three girls were the most beautiful, smartest, best people on this earth. No, Really. I KNOW!

I had a beautiful time with Brodie and Janelle and Nick and the rest of the party yesterday. Janelle does a wonderful job - she is a great mother and wife. Truly. I used to be surprised by that, but now I see the job suits her perfectly. I am proud. The day could only have been better had I been able to stay for the whole party, as the weather was wonderful and most of those I love were around me. But, after a couple of hours, I couldn't go any any longer, my pain was taking over and I had to get home to take pills and relax my back, legs, neck, arms and the rest of me. I am in shock at the amount of pain I find myself in daily. It has become a huge struggle to even accomplish the smallest of tasks and I find my mind on the end of the day when I can veg out of the relentless grey that surrounds me. I see my doc at the end of this month, and assume that there will be some sort of surgeon appointment made at that time. Now, I am ready. A lifetime of living this way will only push me to shorten that by miles. Enough said.

Mothers day today - I got a wonderful gift from Janelle yesterday and beautiful farmers market Lilllys from Jord and Tegan. They don't look so hot this morning, but they thought of me and that's what matters. I assume I will get a call from Craig this afternoon and he has already told me that there will be nothing from him other than love due to his circumstances. He will be here on Tuesday and that will be enough for me. However, having said all of that - it is my hope and dream that someday before I die, that I can matter enough in the lives of my children to have a bang-up, made for only me, marching band type of birthday or mothers day. Just once. I certainly understand the lack of funds and time and issues--- I have been there, still am sometimes. So, honestly--- seriously, truly ---- I get it.But just once, someday before I die - I want a dream day, from them. Just from them. Am I being a bitch? I certainly hope I am not coming off that way because there is not one fiber of me that feels that way in the least. Just that I want effort and time from them. All together, on the same special day. It is my hope that this is not misunderstood but I suppose if it is, then so be it. I love my kids with every cell in my body. Yes, I know how stupid that sounds...but it is the truth. There would not be one moment's hesitation should I be asked them or me? Oh hell yes, take me. No question. I would die for each and every one of them, and now for my grandsons, too. It is such a beautiful and wonderful thing, being a mother and now, a grandmother. And cannot be understood, until you are one. I never, ever doubt their love for me, I feel it daily. I am lucky to have kids that want to be close to me. I think they like me. (usually). That is saying something in these times.  So I already know how fortunate I am. I thank them for that. Each of them. Enough said.

So, do I have you all gagging yet? Teeheehee

After drugging up, I went with Mark to Coldstone Creamery yesterday and had a completely self-indulgent chocolate thing, that I could only eat half of. I love ice cream. Too much, so I rarely have it. But it was lovely. Then --- Mark and I had the best evening reading on my balcony. It was wonderful. The evening was beautiful. And I have to say - now that Mark and I are not a couple, are not married in any sense of the word other than still legally, I sure like having him as a friend. He is comfortable to me. I expect this will not last as he certainly deserves more from some special woman. But for now, I like it.

Today--- I will be committing one of the seven deadly sins. I think. Isn't gluttony one of those? In any event, I will be a glutton. I bought about fifty dollars worth of huge shrimp, lobster tails, and crablegs. Oh - and chicken. And Mark will be grilling his little heart out, in the parking lot of course, on this tiny, portable grill as we are not allowed to have grills near or around our apartments.So...tomorrow I will weigh at least 413. But, that's okay. A quiet dinner, or a session of gluttony with Mark will be a nice day. As if there could be any kind of quiet when eating crab legs with Mark. Usually, one needs to wear a rain poncho when crablegging with that man.

And I leave this boring, too long post with some pics of my wonderful day yesterday. You all just have to agree - my grandsons are the bomb. Later ya'll.   :)


welcome to my world of poetry said...

I missed my mum when we celebrated Mother's Day, after her being gone 13 yrs I miss her terribly.

I loved your photo's really superb.

Have a great day,

Josie said...

Happy Mother's Day Jamie, Dear Friend! Oh, you have the most beautiful Grandbabies! Yes indeed, Mother's Day is much too quiet when our own Mom's are no longer with us, and our kids are busy with their own lives. Like yours, mine have grown up to be amazing people, and have showered me with lovely gifts, but I would gladly trade that to have them here together for just one day! They live too distant and it happens to rarely, and I know my Mother had to feel the same way about me.

I hear you about the pain, I don't know how you manage to push the envelope as far as you do. I can only guess how much courage and determination it takes to even raise your head off the pillow each morning, much less start the day. I am praying for surgery that will give you some relief!!

I am grateful Mark is there to spend time with, and to make you a lovely dinner. Sounds delicious, can I come?! :-)


JY said...

Happy Mother's Day Jamie! And no, I agree, your grandsons are the CUTEST....!!! I want to be there for your dinner too.. As Josie says, "Can I come over?"

Coffeypot said...

Happy Mother's Day, Jamie! But you need to be honored everyday, not just once a year.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Coffey said it! Beautiful sentiment. Your post was so very true....don't I know it! I hope today is pain-free for you so you can enjoy every second of it. Mark does sound like a good man, Jamie! (they are VERY hard to find nowadays) Big hugs to a wonderful Mom and a dear friend. xo

Ruth said...

Happy Mother's Day. Enjoy all your good food.

Heart said...
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Lena said...

Your honesty was very heartfelt and I pray that some day you will have exactly the kind of Mother's day that you desire with your children.

Sounds like the party was awesome and your grand-babies are so beautiful. You are so lucky!

I don't know how u do it with the pain that you experience! I have a hard time with my knees can't imagine all you have to cope with!

Take care!!

Cheryl said...

Your grandkids are beautiful and I'm so glad you have them! And your kids and Mark. I hope they take your words to heart and make your next birthday the special day you want it to be. I don't think it's asking for too much at all.

I hope surgery is in your future if it can in any way relieve some of your pain. I had an awful surgery about 4 years ago. The kind of surgery you only have when you know you have to. The recovery was awful, but I don't regret it and would gladly do it again. It sounds like you know your time has come too. Your kind of pain is heartless! I hope the drugs give you enough relief to get by, even if it's for a little while. Do you only take them at night or are you able to work with them?

Happy Mother's Day!