Because I can

I am missing my mother today. Nothing new or unexpected, it just is that way. She was a great mother, she honestly believed that her three girls were the most beautiful, smartest, best people on this earth. No, Really. I KNOW!

I had a beautiful time with Brodie and Janelle and Nick and the rest of the party yesterday. Janelle does a wonderful job - she is a great mother and wife. Truly. I used to be surprised by that, but now I see the job suits her perfectly. I am proud. The day could only have been better had I been able to stay for the whole party, as the weather was wonderful and most of those I love were around me. But, after a couple of hours, I couldn't go any any longer, my pain was taking over and I had to get home to take pills and relax my back, legs, neck, arms and the rest of me. I am in shock at the amount of pain I find myself in daily. It has become a huge struggle to even accomplish the smallest of tasks and I find my mind on the end of the day when I can veg out of the relentless grey that surrounds me. I see my doc at the end of this month, and assume that there will be some sort of surgeon appointment made at that time. Now, I am ready. A lifetime of living this way will only push me to shorten that by miles. Enough said.

Mothers day today - I got a wonderful gift from Janelle yesterday and beautiful farmers market Lilllys from Jord and Tegan. They don't look so hot this morning, but they thought of me and that's what matters. I assume I will get a call from Craig this afternoon and he has already told me that there will be nothing from him other than love due to his circumstances. He will be here on Tuesday and that will be enough for me. However, having said all of that - it is my hope and dream that someday before I die, that I can matter enough in the lives of my children to have a bang-up, made for only me, marching band type of birthday or mothers day. Just once. I certainly understand the lack of funds and time and issues--- I have been there, still am sometimes. So, honestly--- seriously, truly ---- I get it.But just once, someday before I die - I want a dream day, from them. Just from them. Am I being a bitch? I certainly hope I am not coming off that way because there is not one fiber of me that feels that way in the least. Just that I want effort and time from them. All together, on the same special day. It is my hope that this is not misunderstood but I suppose if it is, then so be it. I love my kids with every cell in my body. Yes, I know how stupid that sounds...but it is the truth. There would not be one moment's hesitation should I be asked them or me? Oh hell yes, take me. No question. I would die for each and every one of them, and now for my grandsons, too. It is such a beautiful and wonderful thing, being a mother and now, a grandmother. And cannot be understood, until you are one. I never, ever doubt their love for me, I feel it daily. I am lucky to have kids that want to be close to me. I think they like me. (usually). That is saying something in these times.  So I already know how fortunate I am. I thank them for that. Each of them. Enough said.

So, do I have you all gagging yet? Teeheehee

After drugging up, I went with Mark to Coldstone Creamery yesterday and had a completely self-indulgent chocolate thing, that I could only eat half of. I love ice cream. Too much, so I rarely have it. But it was lovely. Then --- Mark and I had the best evening reading on my balcony. It was wonderful. The evening was beautiful. And I have to say - now that Mark and I are not a couple, are not married in any sense of the word other than still legally, I sure like having him as a friend. He is comfortable to me. I expect this will not last as he certainly deserves more from some special woman. But for now, I like it.

Today--- I will be committing one of the seven deadly sins. I think. Isn't gluttony one of those? In any event, I will be a glutton. I bought about fifty dollars worth of huge shrimp, lobster tails, and crablegs. Oh - and chicken. And Mark will be grilling his little heart out, in the parking lot of course, on this tiny, portable grill as we are not allowed to have grills near or around our apartments.So...tomorrow I will weigh at least 413. But, that's okay. A quiet dinner, or a session of gluttony with Mark will be a nice day. As if there could be any kind of quiet when eating crab legs with Mark. Usually, one needs to wear a rain poncho when crablegging with that man.

And I leave this boring, too long post with some pics of my wonderful day yesterday. You all just have to agree - my grandsons are the bomb. Later ya'll.   :)

This....and then, that.

As most of you know by now, when my life gets a little too hard to take I shut up. I can find nothing to say, nothing to write, and I even try to censor my thoughts. Whining is something I detest but find that I do (here) on a regular basis, even though I honestly do try to stop myself. So I apologize in advance, as this post will most certainly contain some (and perhaps all) whining.

Here goes-in no particular order:

Today I should know if I will continue to have a job. As all of you know GM is making their big announcement on who stays and who goes, today. I can think of no reason that they wouldn't be left standing after the bloodbath, but after Chrysler's big announcement yesterday, and the surprising results, who the hell knows? Either way, I am okay ---- it isn't exactly as though I have years of my life invested in this place, and you all know how I feel about the job in general. However, whether we stand or fall really makes no difference. This whole thing is making me cry. The only business that I know, the only business that I have ever loved and truly understood, is now completely UN-understandable. This country seems to be going to hell in a handbasket...(btw--where on earth did that saying come from?)...and there seems to be nothing that any of us can do about it, but wait for the fallout. If this announcement today does not affect me directly, you can bet that it will affect me in a million different ways indirectly, and actually---all of you, too. Major business losses, major job losses in our country will have a most devastating effect on every one of us, no matter what business you are in. Okay, I need to stop myself before I get political here, no one needs any more talking heads. Enough said.

Once I finish what I know will be a long hard day at the garage, I get to go and work my tail off in the land of the dutch. Save me. Tonight and tomorrow both--aren't you all jealous and don't you wish you could be me?

It's raining again. Storms today, actually. Just a short distance south of here, a huge (GM) dealership that I know well, was literally blown away Wednesday night. A half mile wide tornado took all of it and dumped it in a field behind. Cars stacked on top of one another...twelve foot high plate glass windows blown clear away - car parts (sheet metal) hanging from trees nearby. I know the place well and know the owner. Oddly enough, with the current business climate, I can't help but wonder if he won't come out better than the rest of us when it's all said and done.

I have had a really hard week emotionally. I am losing it friends, in a big, big way. I have called the appropriate parties for help, but can get no call backs. I finally give up and will wait until next Wednesday to see my regular doc.

Mothers day was a total disaster in my world. First of all, it was my first without my own mother, and that hurt, even more than I thought it would. I tried all day long to see the good, but finally managed to argue with my middle child, because he was the one in front of me, I suppose. I don't argue with anyone, ever. There are too few things worth the negative feelings left for everyone involved. However, on that day, I got mad. I have been too good a mom, whether they agree with me or not, to be put off (or completely ignored) the way I was. There were some valid reasons, there were some not-so-valid reasons. Either way, I was and still am hurt. I got a grandma card - my first ever, of course. But I did not get even one mothers day card. I didn't see any of my kids that day until nearly five, although I got a text or two, wishing me a happy day. None of them seem to understand that on that day, on MOTHERS DAY, the only happy way to spend it, is with your kids. To be fair, Janelle and Brodie brought me a card and a framed photo, about six that evening. By then, I was past even trying to pretend that I was happy to see them. In fact, I asked them not to come, as I was certain I would cry and carry on, and that's just what I did. I made her feel bad, and then I felt bad for doing so. My youngest called me, sometime after that, it had to be nearly seven that evening, saying he thought he might come and see me. Ummm...no. I was in no mood, and politely told him that another day would work better. Did I act badly? Yes, I suppose I did. Perhaps on any other day, I could have contained myself. I had sat here most of the day alone, waiting, because each of them had told me they would be over. I honestly thought they knew the day would be a rough one for me. But---and I still feel this way ---- when all of your kids live within twenty minutes of their mom --- and no matter how little money they have to spend---no matter what the hell is going on in their lives---they can buy a damned card. And that goes for husbands that are living in their wives apartments, too, even though I am well aware that "I am NOT his mother". It is my own fault, I know this - that I put each and every one of them first. They do not make me do that. And I have learned an extremely valuable lesson here. And I found out the following day that complete strangers that work with you will ask how your mothers days was. People that I hardly know. And I also found out that I can lie rather well. "It was wonderful!". Enough said here, too.

The rest of my week is kind of a blur. I don't remember ever being so exhausted. But, I think I say that all the time, so I am guessing this is my lot in life. I have slept alot, but it doesn't seem to help. Depressed much? umm..yeah.

I finally got to see Brodie when he wasn't asleep! Janelle tells me if I want to see him awake, all I need to do is visit at two am..I had to laugh. She is doing a wonderful job, she is an awesome mom. We found out that my grandson is quite is uniquely talented..he peed in his own ear. I thought I had seen it all, but that was a new one on me. I can't wait to tell him that story on the day I meet his new girlfriend. Oh, I can see the joys of grandma-hood now. Happy Friday, I'm out. :)