Monday, March 23, 2009

Monday Stuff

Yesterday turned out to be a difficult day, more so than I expected. I told you all that it was my mother's birthday. I was really missing her..wishing that I had to make that long drive to her town, wishing that I could have talked to her once more, I would have even let her kiss my face all over like she loved to do..I always thought because she knew I hated it so. So, I got up, got dressed, put on my face and went to Caribou and bought a coffee. I drove until I found an appropriate place--a pretty little park, with a lake and a dock and a few people on an early Sunday morning, I sat down and talked to her. I told her how much I missed her, how difficult things have been for me since she died, what a mess my life is recently. I felt that she already knew it all, but I told her anyway. It helped. I know she heard me, and while I couldn't hear what she had to say back to me, I know in my heart what it was. Writing it now, it sounds so ridiculous. To those people in the park that thought there was a crazy lady talking out loud to herself, I'm sorry. It would have helped so much if she were actually buried somewhere, at least then I could go and visit her in a place, but this worked okay too. If people see someone talking out loud in a cemetery, I don't think they consider calling the men in white coats..but in a public park, I'm not so sure. But after my conversation with my mom and God, I felt alot better. I got up and went exploring, walked from one end of that park to the other. It was so beautiful, I actually saw a robin, and heard a woodpecker. It has been a long time...that is perhaps the only drawback to living in the urban setting that I now live in. About twenty minutes into my walk, I hurt something in my back, and was forced to leave. I spent the rest of the day on the couch, on the heat and am still walking funny. I get so irritated with my body, it is just not cooperative, all I was doing was walking.

My "party-man" husband called, about noon, when he had gotten out of bed. He had been out the night before of course, and had a good time. That seriously didn't set too well with me. I lost my temper with him on the phone, and have decided that people do what they want to do, they are where they want to be, and they remember what's important to them. Enough said.

And another Monday dawning. Another wonderful week at my job. I did face full-on, the issues with the woman in my office. We will see if things are actually improved. I am not going to kiss anyone's rear end to keep my job. That sounds really tough and brave, doesn't it? It's too bad that the truth is that without my job I am so screwed. Have a happy Monday. :)

7 comments:

Andrew said...

I am worried about you. I don't like to see a friend in pain. We've all had our share of hardtimes this past year it seems. I am thinking of you. I told my father last night when he was over that, "you sometimes want your daddy!" He smiled and agreed. I had had such a hard day mentally yesterday.

Take care of yourself and a lot of people care about you. I'm reading and I know a lot of others are as well.

SOUL: said...

you were on my mind all day yesterday-- wondering how you were doing-- what you were doing.
i know it's so hard for you right now. and --well.. i'm sorry. i hurt for you and i hope your life settles down very soon. it seems so full of loss lately.
hope you have a nice day at the salt mines today ...
ox

ac said...

Even knowing everything you are going through on the many different fronts, I have to tell you something. I marvel daily at your strength! I think you are totally amazing! When I need inspiration, I know I can find it over here. :) And I mean every word of this!!!! Hugs! ac

Kathy said...

Sounds really rough -- the good news is that you're not sublimating any of this stuff and although facing it head-on is not easy; it's healthy. You're so strong!

Cheryl said...

Sounds like your time outdoors did you a world of good, although your body let you down. It's good to be out with nature. What a great way to be in touch with your mom. Let people think you're crazy. Who cares? Take care of you.

Terri said...

I love your honesty, maybe we don't see all of you here, but a good portion and for that I love ya! I'm wishing you the best and that every day gets better. You might have to live out your time on this earth with back "tweaks", a party man and your mom being gone, but you do it with style and for that I admire you. God Bless you, Jaime.

Brad said...

I'm glad you took the time to go and talk to your Mom. Your a pretty smart chick, you know that?
You might not have heard her anwsers at the time, but I bet you'll hear them soon.