My constant

Losing my mom has turned out to be much harder than I anticipated. I mean, I knew it was going to happen, and happen soon. I am 48 years old, and I understand that this is the natural progression of life, the natural progression of living and dying. I get that. However, I never have taken into account that no matter what, all my life, I have had my mom to lean on. Well, that has been the case up until the last year or so when I realized that she was getting too old and sick to take on or listen to my problems anymore. But still, she was there, and that gave me the illusion of not being alone in this world. No, I know I am not alone, I have a husband and kids and extended family. But, my mom has always been the only one I could really talk to. She understood even when I was not making any sense, even when my heart was breaking, even when I couldn't find the words, she understood. We were alot alike, she and I, although I was well aware of her bad or difficult side and made great strides in not acting like her in those ways. However, she had a heart of gold when it came to her kids, and no matter what, we were loved. If you have been reading this blog for any time at all, then you know that my childhood and growing up years were more than a little rough, and I know that many of those issues were brought on by her, but always, ALWAYS, I could count on her. She was the only constant in a huge world of variables for me. Considering that she has been unhealthy all my life, I really do feel blessed to have kept her here on this earth for many, many years longer than I expected. She was a fighter, a scrapper, a brave and sometimes brass woman. Many times in my young life, I hated her for all the wrong reasons, like teens always do. But even then, I knew she was there for me. So, I must say to you all, this is like being hit in the gut with a baseball bat, and I am completely taken off guard at my own reaction. Tonight is the memorial service and I will be happy to have it behind me. We have done everything exactly the way she wanted it, and the social part of death is the hardest part for me, but I can do it for her, just one more time.