Thursday, October 30, 2008

My constant

Losing my mom has turned out to be much harder than I anticipated. I mean, I knew it was going to happen, and happen soon. I am 48 years old, and I understand that this is the natural progression of life, the natural progression of living and dying. I get that. However, I never have taken into account that no matter what, all my life, I have had my mom to lean on. Well, that has been the case up until the last year or so when I realized that she was getting too old and sick to take on or listen to my problems anymore. But still, she was there, and that gave me the illusion of not being alone in this world. No, I know I am not alone, I have a husband and kids and extended family. But, my mom has always been the only one I could really talk to. She understood even when I was not making any sense, even when my heart was breaking, even when I couldn't find the words, she understood. We were alot alike, she and I, although I was well aware of her bad or difficult side and made great strides in not acting like her in those ways. However, she had a heart of gold when it came to her kids, and no matter what, we were loved. If you have been reading this blog for any time at all, then you know that my childhood and growing up years were more than a little rough, and I know that many of those issues were brought on by her, but always, ALWAYS, I could count on her. She was the only constant in a huge world of variables for me. Considering that she has been unhealthy all my life, I really do feel blessed to have kept her here on this earth for many, many years longer than I expected. She was a fighter, a scrapper, a brave and sometimes brass woman. Many times in my young life, I hated her for all the wrong reasons, like teens always do. But even then, I knew she was there for me. So, I must say to you all, this is like being hit in the gut with a baseball bat, and I am completely taken off guard at my own reaction. Tonight is the memorial service and I will be happy to have it behind me. We have done everything exactly the way she wanted it, and the social part of death is the hardest part for me, but I can do it for her, just one more time.

14 comments:

Terri said...

you can do this and you can do it as ugly or as pretty as your want. Death is hard, especially of a parent. You will go on and it will get better, but seriously? my heart breaks for you right now. You've been through so much, but I'm sure your great sister has reminded you - HE never gives you more than you can handle! Hang in there Jamie. Hugs!

Brad said...

She must have been a strong woman to raise such a strong daughter. You may not be feeling strong today but I know from being your friend here that you are. -Hugs- many of them.

M Chickk said...

I never know what to say at times like this. I hope just knowing that others are thinking of you and praying for you is of some comfort. Take care, friend.

Mo said...

My heart goes out to you. Your words ring so very true for me.

I lost my mom in 2004 and not a day goes by that I don't miss her. Instead of picking up the phone and calling, I have conversations with her in my head all the time.

It is a cliche to say time heals but in time some of the pain will ease.

I hope you are able to find comfort in the memories. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel.

I am pretty sure she will be forgotten by few and remembered by many.

(((HUGS)))

ac said...

Thinking of you tonight.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Bless you and all you do, dear one. You know you've made your mom proud and now its time for her to rest. She will live on forever in your memories. Sending much love and prayers your way. The strength we women have is amazing, isn't it? Take a deep breath and let feelings of peace caress you.

Cheryl said...

I'll never be prepared for the day when I lose my mother. We speak almost daily. We've always been close. My heart is with you now, if that helps at all.

Andrew said...

I am thinking of you tonight. I wish I was more svelt with words so as to make you feel better. I hope it helps to know that some guy down in Alabama shed a tear or two for his friend up North.

Kelly Jene said...

Sweet Jamie. I feel your pain tangibly through your words. Getting past the social expectations that come with a death will help a bit. Then you can move on to dealing with the grief. Write a letter. It might help.

God is with you. Even though you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death, He is your Strength. He is your constant. I love you.

SOUL: said...

stopped by to check on you. i love ya j.
ox

Gypsy said...

Sending warm hugs and loving thoughts to you Jamie. Your mom lives on in the strong and brave woman she raised.....YOU.

Anonymous said...

好秘书 中国呼吸网 肿瘤网 中国皮肤网 癌症康复网 中国公文网 工作总结 个人工作总结 班主任工作总结 年终工作总结 工作报告 政府报告 述职报告 述廉报告 考察报告 自查报告 情况报告 调研报告 调查报告 申请报告 辞职报告 实习报告 评估报告 工作汇报 思想汇报 汇报材料 情况通报 情况汇报 心得体会 学习心得 工作心得 培训心得 读后感 演讲稿 竞聘演讲 就职演讲 比赛演讲 征文演讲 节日演讲 演讲技巧 工作意见 活动策划 工作方案 整改方案 实施方案 企划文案 销售方案 培训方案 应急预案 规章制度 法律法规 事迹材料 先进事迹 个人事迹 申报材料 学习材料 考察材料 经验材料 交流材料 自我鉴定 模板范例 技巧经验 工作计划 民主生活会 入党志愿书 入党申请书 入团申请书 转正申请书 通知 毕业论文 合同

CRUSTYBEEF said...

(((JAIME!!!))) I'm thinking of you and wishing that I too could give the right words or say the right or make it all better for you--I'm sorry that this is something you're facing right now-i'm glad you had a mom that you respected and admired and just know that I'm thinking of you!
with love,
Elizabeth

Amanda said...

((((((Jamie)))))))

The legacy lives on.