Sunday, February 03, 2008

All over the map

My house is a pigsty. I have no idea when this phenomenom occured, but at some point in the past few days, little pigs of all sizes, shapes and colors have come in here and trashed the place. Like I have told you all many times before, a dirty house only magnifies the negative in my life. I have to have the calm and quiet surroundings that clean and orderly brings about. There is only one solution to that problem, and I'm not sure that I am physically or mentally up to that challenge today.

Yesterday, the time spent with my sisters, my daughter and my niece's was wonderful. Carli, my three year old niece, is the most adorable child I have seen since her mother was little (other than my own of course). Looking at her and listening to her takes me back about a thousand years, and it's almost complete dejavu. She is the daughter of my youngest sister, and my youngest sister is ten years younger than remembering her at the same age is very easy for me. Children are good for your own hurt and heartache, they simpleness of their very existence demands your full attention, the attention they give and demand in return is so complete, you find yourself thinking of nothing else.

My oldest sister and I spent a good portion of the day talking about everything, something I have needed for a while now. She has the most amazing ability to make me feel okay, that I am okay, that everything will be okay. She is the only person in my whole life that has accepted me for who and what I am, and has never expected that I change, or think differently, or do it another way. She is a christain in the truest sense of the word, the kind of christian that God wants all of us to be and so few of us can actully manage. She loves the Lord and it shows. She is not a martyr, she is not the kind of "churchy" person that you and I avoid, she never preaches, she just provides comfort. And for me, the only stable thing I have ever had.

I have been riding the emotional roller coaster for so long now, I sometimes wonder what I will do when everything around me calms down. I have never liked roller coasters, I'm pretty much the boring kind of gal, I like to know there is NO hundred foot drop-off coming up. It's taking it's toll, I must admit, I'm losing my temper at the damnedest things, and crying at nothing. I look forward to having the horrible circumstances OVER on Tuesday, and while I don't pretend that it will be easy for me, and I know it will be another monumentally horrific day for Janelle, I still maintain that once the procedure is over, it has to be better. Awful, horrible, painful in the worst sense of the word, since emotional pain is much more of a killer than physical, but still better. This waiting and thinking and crying and hurting has been a destroyer for her, and the same for me. Once again, I have to admit that while none of this is about me, as long as we are talking about my child, it is. It IS about me when my childs heart is breaking, when her soul is being torn in half, when she is left with nothing other than "why", it's all about me. And the loss of my grandchild will always be about me. So, in my own twisted way, Tuesday will begin better days. The process of healing can start. It will be a long process for her and one that I will help her with. I don't think she will need to be pushed into getting some help, she will need some kind of counseling, and I feel fairly certain that she will find it for herself. If not, I will help her. Her birthday is this Thursday, (great timing-don't you think?) and I am going to buy her a plane ticket to visit her best friend in North Carolina, a few days away later this month will do her a world of good. Perhaps after that, she can begin to heal.

I am in alot of physical pain today, hell if I know why. I suppose from being twisted up like a pretzel in the car yesterday, and from stress. I have turned my head one degree too far appartently, my neck is on fire today. I have been in the car it seems, for the past weeks. And I have to sit in the front, no one will let me sit in the back...but when they sit in the back, and want to talk to me, it requires me turning to see them...and then my neck pays for it. There is alot of car time on my agenda tomorrow and Tuesday once again, and I think I am going to have to be in the back seat. Or I will have to be mute. Perhaps they are all hoping for mute, and that's why they insist I sit up there?

Superbowl Sunday, a day I have loved all my life. This year, I barely know who's playing. I used to have superbowl parties every year, I miss those days. Maybe next year? I know that once again we are supposed to get snow and ice, and that won't help all the party go-ers out there today. This winter has been brutal, and it seems like it will not stop. YS and GF are having a party today, I am happy that he is the one having it, and he doesn't have to drive anywhere. That kid of mine is such a social butterfly - I sometimes wonder where he picked up that gene, it must have been latent from many generations ago....but he loves his friends, his football, a good time, and of course a beer or two, or twelve, in the middle of it all.

I apologize for the rambling today, this post has been all over the map. Sort of like my mind, I guess. I hope that each of you have a good Sunday, and if you are partying today, be safe. Later.

ps...why won't spellcheck work? Dammit dammit dammit...I probably can't spell that word either...


Cheryl said...

Wouldn't it be great if you had a plane ticket to someplace wonderful for a week? I think that would be great medicine. If nothing else, you could imagine it. Where would you go?

I'm anxious for you and D to be beyond next Tuesday. To let it all start to be a memory, not to be forgotten, but to be put in a compartment of your mind, so you can go on. We'll all be with you on that day.

I hope you find something in your day that makes you really happy.

Foster Communications said...

I think a plane ticket sounds like the absolute perfect birthday gift.
It's February now, the days will get better. Life is always better in the spring.
Have a good weekend!

JYankee said...

yes i am anxious for your Tuesday to pass as well.. once the physical aspects are allows the mental to heal... i'll be praying for you...and believe me..i know exactly how it feels...

The Real Mother Hen said...


You are in my prayer.

Raine said...

There is a saying that a mother can only be as happy as her unhappiest child. I think there is some truth in that. I think that counseling is a very good plan and I hope she gets and it might not be a bad idea for yourself. You have been thru some megastress with the surgeries and now this........


Just to let you both know, I'm thinking of you, and my heart breaks for both of a mom, and as a girl that feels stuck in a grown up body...I wish this wasn't happening to you. My support is there if you need it!!
May you have some much needed comfort.
There are some pretty incredible moms out in this blogging world, and you're one of them!


Rebecca said...

I tink a plane ticket is a perfect gift. TO NC??? A warmer clime AND a best girlfriend. You're a very good mom to have come up with that!

I am anxious for both of you that tuesday be over as quickly and relatively painlessly as possible.

Glad you had some sister time. Salve for your soul!!