I had THE best day yesterday. I don't mean the turkey or the ham (yuk) or the potatoes or the stuffing, I am merely talking about being with my family. It was so wonderful. No one made me feel strange because I couldn't manage to get from point A to point B without the help of a hand or a counter, but no one was looking at me funny, and I just felt loved. Yes, I know, I am 50 minus three, and by now I know I am loved, and I have always felt loved by my family, but yesterday felt different. I suspect it was a difference in me. It was just really wonderful. I haven't been able to spend any time with my sisters in quite a while, and maybe that is what it was. We laughed so much both my stomach and back were hurting. It was really, really special. Plus, the food really was great, and I didn't cook it, and that makes it oh-so-much-better!
The only dark spot was our mother. She has always loved us all being together more than anything. In the recent past, at holidays, she has been unable to enjoy them due to a current problem--recovery from a surgery, etc. I really had hoped and expected that she would be able to enjoy the day yesterday, and she was honestly not able to. That made me truly understand how down physically she is, and how she never really will be back the the mother that we all want her to be again. She went in and laid down, and slept a good portion of the day away. I went in to check on her, and I had this feeling of impending SOMETHING. I suspect there are rough times ahead for us girls, in the very near future. And that thought does make me sad. I know she is getting up there in years, and I really do believe that she is tired of living. Her body is completely tired of pain and trying. But we are never ready to let go, are we? I stood in the bedroom yesterday and watched her sleep and remembered so many things and thought about so many things...and they all came back to the tangled relationship that mothers and daughters have, but throughout our messed up lives growing up, that woman was my salvation. The only thing that let me know that I would be okay...if SHE was okay, then I would be okay. Losing her will be hard, but I know how hard life has been for her. I also know that since those times, she has had many, many years of happiness and I am grateful for those. She never once made a bad decision on purpose. She never had anyone in her life to teach her once ounce of right, and somehow she managed to teach the three of us gallons of it. Simply said: she's my mother. I love her.
Off to work today, although it will be physically difficult. Now there is the understatement of the year! I am wiped out from my day yesterday....and in general, I would have to climb up a few notches to reach feeling like hell. :)
I hope that all of you have really good Fridays. I suspect alot of you are out shopping...I wouldn't trade places with you if I could walk! But if you are, I wish you the best bargains ever. If you are working, like me, I hope you have good days there, that the holiday spirit spills over and you can smile through the day. Later.