Wednesday, October 03, 2007

A ME I don't like

I am utterly amazed at how all consuming and narcissistic pain is. Apparently, the whole fricking world revolves around ME, because that is all I can think about. I am not that way, and yet, that is how I am acting. Pain really is a monster. It takes away your entire personality, changes every little thing about you....i don't like this "me". No one likes self-consumed people. And yet, that means nothing to me, when the only thing going through my brain is "make it stop...". Then I swallow the appropriate pill and in a few minutes, it dulls to a manageable nag, and then ALL thoughts of any importance stop. This is no way to live. I have been through this before but I had seriously forgotten this part. Yes, that is like me, too. I wouldn't want to remember something about myself that is so ugly. I am ashamed that I am not stronger, not able to push it aside and put others first as I always have. Am I getting weaker in my later years?

Yesterday, D got a speeding ticket. Yes, this is an issue. Bigger than you and I getting a ticket, and yet, in my pain and drug and "me" fog, it wasn't the ordeal in my head it normally would have been. GF had an accident, yes---she is okay, but her car is messed up....and I remember the conversation, but not like I feel I should. I want to take YS shopping for new job clothes, but I am going to have to send him on his own, and that doesn't make me feel that bad, all I can really think of is getting to my pills and couch. My performance at work is crap, I told owner yesterday that I was managing to keep the both of us out of jail but that was about all, and I barely feel bad about that, I am just hurting. I should be ashamed. I am almost past being embarrassed about not being able to walk at work, the questions of the customers go largely ignored....i just don't care any more. What the hell is happening to me? This is a "me" I am not proud of. H is having to "take care" of me....and my shower is upstairs, and in the past four days, I have only made it up there twice. Yes, I know I should not mention that, particularly here---for all the world to see, but it is the truth. Stairs are impossible. And the humiliation of having to have help up them is unbearable. I am going to go to work today. But I won't be there long. The dr has got to call today, I left a message with the office yesterday early. I did not hear back from them. I wanted to know the results of my MRI. I am beginning to hope that they found that I need back surgery. Because otherwise, I have no idea what my future holds. If this can't be fixed, I don't know what i will do. I can tell you however, that I WILL NOT live this way for long. Out.

13 comments:

SOUL: said...

jamie...
you have to know... you MUST KNOW...
that what you are "feeling" is normal for the situation that you are in. do not let the negativity of that control or consume you.

yes, pain is a bitch.. pain is controlling of mind and body. we both know that. it's ok to be selfish ... but i don't think that is the right word.. but it is okay to take whatever time you need to take care of YOU!

doctors are assholes too.. we both know that as well. but there MUST be someone out there to help you??
i just remembered there is some kind of supposedly really good "back" place here..i'll find it and send you the info.

jamie.. don't give up. i know you are not a quitter.

just do what you need to until you get some answers from A dr. ok?

i'm here for you
love, prayers. and OX's

JYankee said...

yes you dont give up till you get the PROPER answers from the docs.that's THEIR job to find it... not for patients to suffer...

Josie Two Shoes said...

"I am just hurting"...
JUST??? JAMIE!! This is not some sprained ankle you are talking about, it is obvious that you are in torturous pain!! And yes, pain is debilitating, it DEMANDS our full attention, that is not narcissistic, it is a reality. I know about the dulling effects of the medications too. My mother hated that as well. But at the moment, you do what you have to do. Anyone who loves you will understand. You work so hard to take care of everyone, now it is time to let them take care of you a bit. And yes please do DEMAND some answers from that doctor today - even if you need to lay on his doormat to make a point. Don't wait for them to call back.. keep calling! My heart just aches for you in the frustration and the humiliation. But I also KNOW that you have the inner strength to get thru this, even if you can't feel it at the moment. Hang tight girl, we are ALL praying!!

Portia said...

don't be so hard on yourself! the pain and drugs do take over, but it is not forever, or defining of YOU. those who love you know who you are. they don't look down on you because of these things that are out of your hands. and it's okay to think of yourself right now.
i hope the doc calls!
good luck to D and best wishes for YS & GF too:)

CCC said...

Please let us know what you find out. I cannot believe the pain is lasting this long. You have to get well soon. I am calling in St. Anthony to help.

Gypsy said...

Being a new reader, I'm not really sure what's wrong with your back or if its a long term thing but DON'T add to the pain by beating yourself up. I only pulled a muscle in my back a couple of months ago and that was debilitating enough. Your back is the centre of everything you move and I cannot imagine how you are even managing to go to work at all.


I would be seeking another Dr if the one you've got doesn't even return your calls. I'm sure this post is just the pain talking, you mustn't give up Jamie. Let everyone take care of you, even Superwoman needs a day off now and then. Take care and I hope you get some answers soon.

Maria said...

I know EXACTLY where you are. Pain is just this insidious thing. It won't really release you and it doesn't free you up for anything else but just getting through.

I have had a bad back for years and some months,well...I have lost. I look back and can barely recall them and it was because I was in so much pain.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. I'll be anxious to hear what the md said. I will be honest. My md called me when I was in excruciating pain and told me that I had two herniated discs but that he didn't understand why I should be in THAT much pain.

I wanted to smack him, I really did. I FELT it. It was THERE.

After a few months it lessened and not only rears it's ugly head now and then, but it is just enough to remind me of how bad it was and how scared I can get.

Try to hold on....I'll be anxious to hear what your diagnosis is.

Cheryl said...

Being in constant pain is so depressing. I don't need to tell you that. I hope you find out what's wrong and get some relief from you pain. Use the drugs to get you through this. It won't be forever.

That Chick Over There said...

((hugs))

Cheryl said...

You can blog in my comment box anytime!

Josie Two Shoes said...

No Thursday morning post from Jamie? That's not a good sign at all. So anxious to hear if you've found out anything, but I know you'll tell us when you do. Just know that I am praying for you and wish there was more we could do to help. It's not fair that the nicest people have to be the ones who suffer. I'm putting that on my list of suggestions for when I finally get my appointment with Our Creator!! :-) (((Hugs)))

ac said...

I'm so sorry to read you are living with such all consuming pain. That has to greatly suck. On a positive note, I couldn't be more impressed with how great your support system is here in your comment section. I hope you get some answers soon. Good luck to you! ac

Amanda said...

It's the same with chronic mental pain, so I do understand what you are saying. Maybe these things aren't as different as we think.

Only it's easier for your pain to inspire me in my dealings with mine, than the other way around...