I am utterly amazed at how all consuming and narcissistic pain is. Apparently, the whole fricking world revolves around ME, because that is all I can think about. I am not that way, and yet, that is how I am acting. Pain really is a monster. It takes away your entire personality, changes every little thing about you....i don't like this "me". No one likes self-consumed people. And yet, that means nothing to me, when the only thing going through my brain is "make it stop...". Then I swallow the appropriate pill and in a few minutes, it dulls to a manageable nag, and then ALL thoughts of any importance stop. This is no way to live. I have been through this before but I had seriously forgotten this part. Yes, that is like me, too. I wouldn't want to remember something about myself that is so ugly. I am ashamed that I am not stronger, not able to push it aside and put others first as I always have. Am I getting weaker in my later years?
Yesterday, D got a speeding ticket. Yes, this is an issue. Bigger than you and I getting a ticket, and yet, in my pain and drug and "me" fog, it wasn't the ordeal in my head it normally would have been. GF had an accident, yes---she is okay, but her car is messed up....and I remember the conversation, but not like I feel I should. I want to take YS shopping for new job clothes, but I am going to have to send him on his own, and that doesn't make me feel that bad, all I can really think of is getting to my pills and couch. My performance at work is crap, I told owner yesterday that I was managing to keep the both of us out of jail but that was about all, and I barely feel bad about that, I am just hurting. I should be ashamed. I am almost past being embarrassed about not being able to walk at work, the questions of the customers go largely ignored....i just don't care any more. What the hell is happening to me? This is a "me" I am not proud of. H is having to "take care" of me....and my shower is upstairs, and in the past four days, I have only made it up there twice. Yes, I know I should not mention that, particularly here---for all the world to see, but it is the truth. Stairs are impossible. And the humiliation of having to have help up them is unbearable. I am going to go to work today. But I won't be there long. The dr has got to call today, I left a message with the office yesterday early. I did not hear back from them. I wanted to know the results of my MRI. I am beginning to hope that they found that I need back surgery. Because otherwise, I have no idea what my future holds. If this can't be fixed, I don't know what i will do. I can tell you however, that I WILL NOT live this way for long. Out.