Saturday, July 14, 2007

Like a bridge over troubled water....

I am still alive---I just have had little time to spend here, and i miss being able to. Last evening, I felt better than I expected and H and I went out for a little while, but I really wasn't up to it, and I am regretting it today. I still feel like hell, my left ear is really painful, and i think it may be messing with my balance somewhat. uggh. I am not going to take my whole blog post and whine about my physical problems today, I am nothing but a whiner lately. Don't you all get tired of reading about my string of problems?

While I said I wouldn't whine about my problems, I specifically said "physical"....that didn't include the mental ones...and I am having a few of those this morning. It is not like me to be in such a funk...but funked I am. I suppose it could be due to all the medications I am taking...or hormones....but I could cry this am. Unlike me. I really am not a cryer---crier? least not for myself. So, dealing with this is new and different.I have to go to work today, what i would really like to do is go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head, and stay there until the world looks a little more sunny.

My job is getting me down, and I know I have every right to feel that way...I think all the stress and pressure really does get to me. But then I read about all my friends lives here, and some of the hell they are going through and I realize I really have no right to problems are minimal compared. I read about heartbreak...and lost love, and bad health issues, and people that have zero money or are trying to make it with little kids and not enough green to go around and then I feel so bad for all my negative. Some of my goodest (teehee) friends here have real job issues, and real battles to face on the job front....and again, I realize that I really do have it made and I should shut the hell up. But, this morning....I guess I am just wallowing. I have a kid or two that really is/are worrying me....and I don't understand what they are thinking....and I know that in some ways I have created the monster that "is"....but in others, I really-really-REALLY don't get it. I have been the best Mom I know how. The only thing I ever really wanted out of this life on earth was for my children to say "she was the best". So, I have spent all my mothering years trying to be that. I always put them first, I still put them first...and i suppose that will always come right back and blow up in your face. They have been spoiled, to a degree....but never bratty. I swore a long time ago when their father and I split that they would never be made to pay...and I really think that I managed that. Without his help. ALWAYS without his help. I have been there for them in every way I could imagine and I will continue to be. I led by example....I am serious. I have not been one of "those" mothers, saying one thing and doing another. I told them repeatedly that they were loved, that they were smart, (and oh heavens...they were/are), that they could do ANYTHING on this earth that they wanted to do. And yet, in some ways, I have honestly failed. At alot of it. Apparently it was just lip service to them....but I STILL believe that any of them are capable of ANYTHING. I know I am not making any sense here, reader, and I am sorry. I find it impossible to come right out and say all the specifics right now...but suffice it to say that I am troubled this morning. Ugggh.

So how was that for a non-whining post? I will be back later, from work...and hopefully I will have my attitude on a little straighter. Until then...have a great Saturday!


SOUL: said...

I LOVE your song choice of the day!!! in fact i almost posted it on my blog a few days ago. now, that is a bit eerie, wouldn't ya say? anyhow... i have always liked this song, and it's message...and jamie.. all will settle down and be fine in your world soon.

as for the kids... they are kids. no matter how good we are or try to be..or sacrifice, or do for them... it always comes back to them , one day sitting in a shrinks office, talking about how MOM SCREWED me up.

but ya know... i can tell .. ever since the very first time i read you write about your kids... that they are your soul.... you live and breathe them... just as i do mine.
they are still becoming "who they are"... and i KNOW, one day they will come to you, and tell you that they realize everything you did for them, and how much they love you for it. you are a great mom!
and a great friend! and whine all ya want... we all have our turn to whine. k?
i wish you didn't have to go to work, but hopefully something good will come your way... even it's just someone stupid to make jokes about. lol
take care of yourself.
my soul sistah
hey... have you figured out the "bermuda triangle thing"? would you beleive i dont even have a damn U.S. map?! don't answer that... you know how much i get lost, so you surely know that. :))

"Wolfgang" said...

You can't compare your problems to someone else's. Everybody's problems are custom made for them. If it seems tough to you, then it is. What may be "not so bad" to you might be more than someone else can handle and vice versa.

I hope you feel better soon. I was sick for almost 3 weeks in June and could barely get out of bed. Ugh!

Josie Two Shoes said...

Back when I was a teen and really struggling, I used to play this song over and over on my stereo... until my mom would pull the circuit breaker. It's a good "comfort" song.

I don't think you are being a bit whiney or wallowy, Jamie. Being a mom come with legitimate concerns, and you need a place to share them - that's what blogging is for! I do think you are WAY too hard on yourself though... you have been the best mom you knew how to be. Consider that your kids are young adults yet, and don't really have it all together. I didn't at that age, did you? It is NOT a reflection on the absence of their father or the love and efforts of their mother... they are individual personalities, that mut process what they have learned so far in life and use it to their best advantage. Sometimes they fail at that, sometimes miserably. Nothing is harder than watching our kids struggle and fail. From the perspective of years, the right way seems so easy. But back then it was different, remember?

I bet one thing your kids have learned from you is how to be survivors! While it is important that you are always there for them with love and listenening and encouragement, please don't be too quick to rescue. Part of maturing is learning the realities of cause and effect. We must all live with the choices we make. In the end it will make them stronger.

I just know from what we read of you here, that you are a devoted and awesome mother, things will work out ok, it's all part of the bigger plan in life, remember! Hard to let go of the worry, how I know. I worry about my daughter espeically, every day. I think it comes with the "mom" job description. We'll likely still be worrying about them on the day that we die... and they will be worrying about us too, that's how it works!

Take care, rest up, breathe deeply, and pray. Share if you feel up to it, or send an email. I'm here to listen! I don't have your email addy, or I'd write to you. Mine is

Maria said...

I agree with wolfgang. Everyone has problems that are custom made. And we all get a turn on the wheel.

My best friend once told me never to apologize for letting off steam with her, that this was precisely what she was there for. And she's right. If you hold it all in, it has to come our somewhere, you know? And it will come out at the worst possible moment, like in church or in front of that gossipy neighbor. So...let it all out.

I think that if everyone knew going in just how hard motherhood was, there would be a lot less children. You get incredible joys but there is always that guilt, that worrying that you don't measure up. It sounds as if you measure up just fine!

Portia said...

ola senorita...if you got shit to whine about, and from what i've read, it sounds like you have a few things, then DO it! doesn't it feel so much better to get it out of your head? i totally understand how you feel though, when you read what everyone else is going through it's hard not to compare. say whatever you got to say and if someone doesn't like it then they can go on. like everythin is it's easier said than done.
hope you don't mind me sounding like a broken record when i tell you to feel better SOON! hopefully before the whole weekend's gone...

CCC said...

Kids need to leran their own lessons. It's almost pre-destined. They will always remember your words...but may not believe them until they hit rock bottom...or experience hard times. At least...that's how it worked for me. You sound a lot like *my* mom...and I didn't turn out so bad. ;) Right? :D