I am still alive---I just have had little time to spend here, and i miss being able to. Last evening, I felt better than I expected and H and I went out for a little while, but I really wasn't up to it, and I am regretting it today. I still feel like hell, my left ear is really painful, and i think it may be messing with my balance somewhat. uggh. I am not going to take my whole blog post and whine about my physical problems today, I am nothing but a whiner lately. Don't you all get tired of reading about my string of problems?
While I said I wouldn't whine about my problems, I specifically said "physical"....that didn't include the mental ones...and I am having a few of those this morning. It is not like me to be in such a funk...but funked I am. I suppose it could be due to all the medications I am taking...or hormones....but I could cry this am. Unlike me. I really am not a cryer---crier?...at least not for myself. So, dealing with this is new and different.I have to go to work today, what i would really like to do is go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head, and stay there until the world looks a little more sunny.
My job is getting me down, and I know I have every right to feel that way...I think all the stress and pressure really does get to me. But then I read about all my friends lives here, and some of the hell they are going through and I realize I really have no right to complain...my problems are minimal compared. I read about heartbreak...and lost love, and bad health issues, and people that have zero money or are trying to make it with little kids and not enough green to go around and then I feel so bad for all my negative. Some of my goodest (teehee) friends here have real job issues, and real battles to face on the job front....and again, I realize that I really do have it made and I should shut the hell up. But, this morning....I guess I am just wallowing. I have a kid or two that really is/are worrying me....and I don't understand what they are thinking....and I know that in some ways I have created the monster that "is"....but in others, I really-really-REALLY don't get it. I have been the best Mom I know how. The only thing I ever really wanted out of this life on earth was for my children to say "she was the best". So, I have spent all my mothering years trying to be that. I always put them first, I still put them first...and i suppose that will always come right back and blow up in your face. They have been spoiled, to a degree....but never bratty. I swore a long time ago when their father and I split that they would never be made to pay...and I really think that I managed that. Without his help. ALWAYS without his help. I have been there for them in every way I could imagine and I will continue to be. I led by example....I am serious. I have not been one of "those" mothers, saying one thing and doing another. I told them repeatedly that they were loved, that they were smart, (and oh heavens...they were/are), that they could do ANYTHING on this earth that they wanted to do. And yet, in some ways, I have honestly failed. At alot of it. Apparently it was just lip service to them....but I STILL believe that any of them are capable of ANYTHING. I know I am not making any sense here, reader, and I am sorry. I find it impossible to come right out and say all the specifics right now...but suffice it to say that I am troubled this morning. Ugggh.
So how was that for a non-whining post? I will be back later, from work...and hopefully I will have my attitude on a little straighter. Until then...have a great Saturday!