Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Ramblin' Rose

Wednesday. I have never liked them, Wednesdays, that is. And here it is again. I am not feeling the best this morning, I had a short night, my stomach is messed up, it has been raining here for the past two days, that always seems to coincide with my pain, perhaps it's related, since I hurt like a mofo this morning? Who the hell knows. It is less than two weeks until I get to go subject myself to being stuck with needles and given electric shock----I still don't know if I will go through with that test, I can't see how doing it will change any damned thing. I am ready to get back to the eye doctor, however, I can't see a damned thing. I worked yesterday on an accounting project, and i got some of it wrong, because I couldn't tell the numbers apart. That's with my glasses ON. But my glasses do little if anything for the double vision, I don't know if they can help that. This time, when I am there, we WILL talk about it, as that is the problem I am having----Oh how i hate most doctors. Such big egos in such little bodies. I really don't know how they contain them. I have on occasion run into one that does not act like a total ass, but they are few and far between. How is this paragraph for rambling?

H is off work today, I have not seen him for days, he comes in at night, but I am unable to talk at that hour, or maybe I just don't want to, and in the am, if he's up, he's not exactly at his most chatty. Things don't feel too great between us, and I usually think that it must be me, and it probably is. I can't see how this is going to work, I'm not sure I want it to. The last day that we were able to see each other for more than a few minutes was Saturday, and he was in a terrible mood, I have no idea why, I always ask, he always answers that nothing is wrong. Whatever.

D left for her home last night. It's okay between us, I just need to remember that she is two people, the one she wants me to see, and the other one---that everyone else knows. I know that sounds ugly, and I really don't mean for it to. It is fact---she has always been that way. I am guilty of forgetting that. It shouldn't affect any part of our relationship, but on occasion,the two do run into each other, and that can make for a mess. Your kids can rip your heart right out, and never blink an eye. Or not even know they have. I am not just speaking of D here, I am speaking of all kids----and that is the moment that I realize that I am way too involved, that I know way too much, and that you cannot be your kids friend, no matter how old they are, you are still just their mother. My mistake. Not to be repeated.

I'm off to my day. For about five cents, I would run away from my life, anyone have a nickel? It wouldn't be too difficult. Start completely over---only the names have been changed, to protect the guilty. I could easily become lost in this world, I am only one small person. It's a thought, anyway. What else can you do on a fricking Wednesday? Out.


Amanda said...

I was tempted to make an exchange a couple of days back...but now I'm not so sure.

Moody, huh? Been there done that. He better not get moody again.

SOULMANGE: said...

wow. sorry you have hit a rough patch. don't you hate it when people say that? a rough patch. when you really feel like it's not a patch...but a prarie ! well, i understand how you feel. and i'm not just saying that. i have wanted to "run away" many times. bad thing is... i said it out loud. so, i had to stay . so... here i am. still breathing. sticking out aint so bad. well, not all of the time anyhow.
hope things get better.