Beware: I have not yet given myself the manicure that I so badly need, and the typo's will run rampent.
Beware #2: My thoughts, like the typo's, are also running rampant. Could be a dangerous combination. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Up at six thirty this morning, but I didn't hit the sheets until three. So, of course, I am tired today. No one's ass to kick but my own, we went out last night, and I was the one that wasn't ready to leave yet. It wasn't the greatest time, H and I just can't seem to get on the same wavelength, I am trying, and don't know how to help it. I was worn out BEFORE we left to party, and I was in pain, but I couldn't bring myself to stay home. No way. H wasn't happy about that, even before we left, so I knew it wouldn't be a good night. You would think I would have the sense to stay in under the circumstances, wouldn't you? Yes, you would think that. But we didn't. He was also mad because I bought OS a sofa. Too bad. My kids, my money. I have done the same for the other two. No, I don't REALLY have the money. But like always, I will manage. I know my attitude sounds so bad, and perhaps you would be right in saying so. But I will never let my kids go without, if I can help it. After all these years, why should we fight about it? I have worked my ASS off to provide what they need, and I have done all of it without his help. I have not expected him to do any of it. Yes, I know that is an unfair argument, of course he had helped provide for my kids. But not directly. He has been putting food on the table all these years. But I have always made a HUGE share of the money in this household, and I am always the one that directly provides what my kids have needed. We have fought about money for years, never a direct argument, because that's just not how he rolls, but indirectly. He has had his choices over the years, I will not budge on this one, and yet he stays with me, and mopes because I do as I please on this subject. How in the hell do you deal with moping? A FIGHT would be out of the question, that is too DIRECT for him. Aggggh...We all know that i am the Queen of direct...among other things....
Need less to say, it was a long day yesterday. The ICS was slow, but with the shopping and other crap, it felt busy. YS came by to eat, it seems ages since I have had the time to TALK to him. He is always on his way to somewhere else. He is such a social kid, I wonder if they got the babies mixed up all those twenty-one years ago? No, not possible, he acts and looks just like his father.
I was reading the blog of a new online friend and realized something this morning: While I was not physically abused as a child, at least the years that I am currently referring to anyway, I did grow up mentally abused, because I was ALWAYS afraid, always. I never knew when my life was going to take a complete turn, I never knew where I was going to be, who my mother and myself and my sister would be with, etc. I was mortally afraid that something would happen to my mother, scared to death of that. I was scared all the time. Even after I grew up and married. I lived in fear, of what , I am not sure until my first husband and I divorced. Then I changed. Completely. I refused to be afraid any more. I don't know what day that took place, but I do remember saying to myself, "enough". "I can do this life thing, I can make it a good thing for my kids, I can handle all of it." I took charge of EVERYTHING. And now I can't stop. No one else can run this show. I am tired of being the director. And sometimes, I just want to be the actor. But I can already see that I am going to direct my way out of the life I have. I am trying not to do that----but apparently not hard enough. I will have to figure all this out and get back to you. No wonder I am losing it.
Moving day for OS. In the rain. Great. I am off to the ICS (ice cream store). I think it will be slow, rain is not good for business. Over and Out.