Saturday, March 31, 2007

Rain=Bad Business

Beware: I have not yet given myself the manicure that I so badly need, and the typo's will run rampent.

Beware #2: My thoughts, like the typo's, are also running rampant. Could be a dangerous combination. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Up at six thirty this morning, but I didn't hit the sheets until three. So, of course, I am tired today. No one's ass to kick but my own, we went out last night, and I was the one that wasn't ready to leave yet. It wasn't the greatest time, H and I just can't seem to get on the same wavelength, I am trying, and don't know how to help it. I was worn out BEFORE we left to party, and I was in pain, but I couldn't bring myself to stay home. No way. H wasn't happy about that, even before we left, so I knew it wouldn't be a good night. You would think I would have the sense to stay in under the circumstances, wouldn't you? Yes, you would think that. But we didn't. He was also mad because I bought OS a sofa. Too bad. My kids, my money. I have done the same for the other two. No, I don't REALLY have the money. But like always, I will manage. I know my attitude sounds so bad, and perhaps you would be right in saying so. But I will never let my kids go without, if I can help it. After all these years, why should we fight about it? I have worked my ASS off to provide what they need, and I have done all of it without his help. I have not expected him to do any of it. Yes, I know that is an unfair argument, of course he had helped provide for my kids. But not directly. He has been putting food on the table all these years. But I have always made a HUGE share of the money in this household, and I am always the one that directly provides what my kids have needed. We have fought about money for years, never a direct argument, because that's just not how he rolls, but indirectly. He has had his choices over the years, I will not budge on this one, and yet he stays with me, and mopes because I do as I please on this subject. How in the hell do you deal with moping? A FIGHT would be out of the question, that is too DIRECT for him. Aggggh...We all know that i am the Queen of direct...among other things....

Need less to say, it was a long day yesterday. The ICS was slow, but with the shopping and other crap, it felt busy. YS came by to eat, it seems ages since I have had the time to TALK to him. He is always on his way to somewhere else. He is such a social kid, I wonder if they got the babies mixed up all those twenty-one years ago? No, not possible, he acts and looks just like his father.

I was reading the blog of a new online friend and realized something this morning: While I was not physically abused as a child, at least the years that I am currently referring to anyway, I did grow up mentally abused, because I was ALWAYS afraid, always. I never knew when my life was going to take a complete turn, I never knew where I was going to be, who my mother and myself and my sister would be with, etc. I was mortally afraid that something would happen to my mother, scared to death of that. I was scared all the time. Even after I grew up and married. I lived in fear, of what , I am not sure until my first husband and I divorced. Then I changed. Completely. I refused to be afraid any more. I don't know what day that took place, but I do remember saying to myself, "enough". "I can do this life thing, I can make it a good thing for my kids, I can handle all of it." I took charge of EVERYTHING. And now I can't stop. No one else can run this show. I am tired of being the director. And sometimes, I just want to be the actor. But I can already see that I am going to direct my way out of the life I have. I am trying not to do that----but apparently not hard enough. I will have to figure all this out and get back to you. No wonder I am losing it.

Moving day for OS. In the rain. Great. I am off to the ICS (ice cream store). I think it will be slow, rain is not good for business. Over and Out.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Maybe we're both crazy, but it all sounds very sane to me.

We've come a long way. And it sounds like the only stumbling block left is ourselves...

PS. It's exactly the opposite here, bad weather is just great for my business. But I'll eat ice when it's raining...if it's warm enough outside. Maybe others will feel the same. Hope you had a good day!