Saturday, December 16, 2006

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way...

And Saturday has arrived. yippee-fucking-yay. I hate to shop, and I am TRYING to get excited about the hustle and bustle of the big Christmas rush, but oh Lord, I HATE to shop. I am really, really going to TRY. Seems that all the kiddos will be there (in the big city) at one time or another today, and we will probably have dinner together, but dinner on a Saturday night can turn into a whole evening, and i have GOT to shop. So I am hoping that we can go to a different kind of place other than a typical weekend night restaurant, and do it quickly. I so do NOT want to have to make another trip. Plus, the cash situation is a little off, and I really do not want to spend $200 on a meal.

Yesterday turned into a really nit-picky, stressful Friday. I was not feeling the best to begin with, and by the time I left, I was really not well. It was FRIDAY, and we all know how I feel about FRIDAY'S, but all I wanted was my jammies and a beer. I had planned to wrap presents, at least take inventory of what I already had. All I did, however, was get my jammies and a beer and sat down. That was all she wrote. So this morning, I hope to at least look over all that I have already gotten, list it, and try to make some sort of a list of what is still needed. I am beginning to get a little excited about the holiday, Christmas has always been fun at our house. This year will be different, but it can still be good. I really thought that I would be all sappy about the lack of the D's husband, and frankly, it has not crossed my mind. When I do think of him, my blood just boils, and I certainly do not find myself missing him. I think that I have maybe seen him clearly for the first time, ever. I really thought he cared, (about all of us) but I have decided that anyone that actually feels love, cannot turn it off the way he has. I have also learned that many of the things that I thought to be true about him, were just lies, or half truths, and I now know that he really has NO friends, because he really doesn't like ANYONE. I am not sad, and I don't even feel sad for D, I just feel grateful that she now has a chance at normal. She is too sweet and loving to live like that. I know in my heart that she will find what is right for her, and when she does, she will appreciate it. I also know that just because I feel the way I do, does not mean that she isn't sad and hurting. I hope this holiday can still be good for her. By the next one, all things will be different. She will be happy. I know it. I have tried to fill in what is lacking for her right now, but I know that I cannot change what she is going through. I just keep praying.

I have doubled the dosage on the miracle pills, hoping that i can get back to feeling the way I was a few weeks ago, apparently, it is protocol to have to up the dosage. The problem with that so far is, after spending the first few weeks unable to wake up, now I cannot sleep. I maybe got about three hours last night, and while that i pretty normal for me on a Friday night, last night i was asleep by ten. So I have been awake for quite a while. Should help to make this a great day. I have to work until three, then head to the malls, it will be a long day. Say a prayer for me, I might need help to NOT sucker punch the pushy damned blue hairs, that I know will be in my way on my lovely shopping excursion. Talk more later-.

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