write something here now, because I am coming up on a week since last said anything here. The truth of the matter is, I have had a really rough week. Rough as in, P A I N.
Unrelenting, crazy-making, GODPLEASEMAKEITGOAWAY kind of pain. And He hasn't. (Made it go away, that is). I cannot say why it has been so much worse - I used to try and analyze every move, every little thing I did to see if I could establish a pattern, find a cause, just make some kind of sense of why I hurt so bad. Then I realized that it was a stupid, futile thing to do. There is no reason why, and other than understanding that the more physical I am with my back, the more pain I have, Other than that, there is no sense to be made of it.
I won't go into the dreaded details of all this crap --- Geez, who wants to hear (read) about someone else's aches and pain -- but suffice it to say, I have made calls to doctors, and I NEVER make calls to anyone, especially doctors. I hate doctors, and I have good, even great doctors and I never call them, other than when I have to call, see or otherwise dink around with them, which is way more often than I like. But, I made calls to doctors. And waited for calls to be made back to me. And they were.
And my surgery date has been moved up, Significantly. Before, I had a date in April to see my surgeon again, to have another CT scan, to set a surgery date at that time. Which would have been at least six weeks from that time. Now, I am waiting for my surgeon's office staff to get yet another surgery cleared and okay'd by my insurance company and then the date can be set. With any luck, the end of February - or the first part of March. However, my insurance company, who would much rather see me dead than alive, is making my life a living hell and causing much, MUCH longer waiting times than necessary (as I said, if they dick around long enough, I could blow my own brains out, thereby ending the need to pay out yet again, for surgery)... and btw --- that's my idea of what they are thinking, not anything like what I'm thinking or planning or anything of the sort. But, anything they can do to make my life worse, they are doing it. So,the surgery date is up to them and I'm praying it's soon. I have been in pain for years and years and years.But, nothing like I am experiencing now. You really do get to a point where you think about which is easier, living this way or giving up and dying. NO, I'm not suicidal at all, but anyone in my shoes would have these thoughts. So far, I think of my kids and grand kids and that's enough for me. But I can see where a person could get caught up in thinking the other way. Pain will wear you down and make you old and literally take the light right out of your life. Even the strongest of the strong. And I am one of those, the strong, I mean. But it's taking it's toll. Yes, I have pain medications. Yes, I go through hell each and every month, seeing my pain doctor, fighting with the insurance company, taking the medications that I hate so very much, and depend on even more - because I could NOT make it without them. I have tried. I have gone off of them to prove I can, and I have proven that I can't. I am dependent with a capital D. But that is due to pain. I do not have a drug problem. I have a pain problem. I am so tired of the stigma that goes along with the super heavy duty pain drugs. Every person I encounter, every person my husband encounters (because he is the one that picks them up for me), treats us as though we were the scum of the very earth. And I am talking about the pharmacists, the clerks the nurses that work with and for the doctors, just in general --- I am thought of as a junkie. And one day, when I no longer have to depend on the heavy duty drugs to survive, I am going to do something about it. I am going to get my point across to a few certain people one day. And while I really have never wished bad things on anyone, I have a hard time NOT wishing for painful things to happen to certain individuals, because folks will never, ever learn until they are in my shoes. And enough. I am sorry to have gotten off on this little rant.
Again, I've had a rough few days. If you are one who prays, please throw a couple of sentences to the man upstairs my way --- I can use all the help I can get.
I apologize for the content of this post, it certainly is NOT any fun or even interesting to read. But when I committed to writing here once a week, I never said anything about writing something worth reading. LOL.
Big Hugs, y'all. I'm out.