Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Because I promised,actually even UN-RESOLUTIONED, I must

write something here now, because I am coming up on a week since last said anything here. The truth of the matter is, I have had a really rough week. Rough as in, P A I N.

Unrelenting, crazy-making, GODPLEASEMAKEITGOAWAY kind of pain. And He hasn't. (Made it go away, that is). I cannot say why it has been so much worse - I used to try and analyze every move, every little thing I did to see if I could establish a pattern, find a cause, just make some kind of sense of why I hurt so bad. Then I realized that it was a stupid, futile thing to do. There is no reason why, and other than understanding that the more physical I am with my back, the more pain I have, Other than that, there is no sense to be made of it.

I won't go into the dreaded details of all this crap --- Geez, who wants to hear (read) about someone else's aches and pain -- but suffice it to say, I have made calls to doctors, and I NEVER make calls to anyone, especially doctors. I hate doctors, and I have good, even great doctors and I never call them, other than when I have to call, see or otherwise dink around with them, which is way more often than I like. But, I made calls to doctors. And waited for calls to be made back to me. And they were.

And my surgery date has been moved up, Significantly. Before, I had a date in April to see my surgeon again, to have another CT scan, to set a surgery date at that time. Which would have been at least six weeks from that time. Now, I am waiting for my surgeon's office staff to get yet another surgery cleared and okay'd by my insurance company and then the date can be set. With any luck, the end of February - or the first part of March. However, my insurance company, who would much rather see me dead than alive, is making my life a living hell and causing much, MUCH longer waiting times than necessary (as I said, if they dick around long enough, I could blow my own brains out, thereby ending the need to pay out yet again, for surgery)... and btw --- that's my idea of what they are thinking, not anything like what I'm thinking or planning or anything of the sort. But, anything they can do to make my life worse, they are doing it. So,the surgery date is up to them and I'm praying it's soon. I have been in pain for years and years and years.But, nothing like I am experiencing now. You really do get to a point where you think about which is easier, living this way or giving up and dying. NO, I'm not suicidal at all, but anyone in my shoes would have these thoughts. So far, I think of my kids and grand kids and that's enough for me. But I can see where a person could get caught up in thinking the other way. Pain will wear you down and make you old and literally take the light right out of your life. Even the strongest of the strong. And I am one of those, the strong, I mean. But it's taking it's toll. Yes, I have pain medications. Yes, I go through hell each and every month, seeing my pain doctor, fighting with the insurance company, taking the medications that I hate so very much, and depend on even more - because I could NOT make it without them. I have tried. I have gone off of them to prove I can, and I have proven that I can't. I am dependent with a capital D. But that is due to pain. I do not have a drug problem. I have a pain problem. I am so tired of the stigma that goes along with the super heavy duty pain drugs. Every person I encounter, every person my husband encounters (because he is the one that picks them up for me), treats us as though we were the scum of the very earth. And I am talking about the pharmacists, the clerks the nurses that work with and for the doctors, just in general --- I am thought of as a junkie. And one day, when I no longer have to depend on the heavy duty drugs to survive, I am going to do something about it. I am going to get my point across to a few certain people one day. And while I really have never wished bad things on anyone, I have a hard time NOT wishing for painful things to happen to certain individuals, because folks will never, ever learn until they are in my shoes. And enough. I am sorry to have gotten off on this little rant.

Again, I've had a rough few days. If you are one who prays, please throw a couple of sentences to the man upstairs my way --- I can use all the help I can get.

I apologize for the content of this post, it certainly is NOT any fun or even interesting to read. But when I committed to writing here once a week, I never said anything about writing something worth reading. LOL.

Big Hugs, y'all. I'm out.


Josie Two Shoes said...

Jamie, this is exactly what I want to see here... you showing up to keep it real, and to tell us how it really is. I pray for you every day, several times a day, ever time you cross my mind. I am telling God you've had enough. You need a break here and the surgery needs to happen sooner, not later. You need a reason to hope. I do understand why people who live with severe chronic pain lose the will to live, quality of life is important! I am so glad you have your children and beautiful grandchildren, and even your furrychildren, to give you a reason to hold on. I am believing relief is going to come. Why is takes so damn long is on my list to talk to God about one day! As for the way people truly needing high-power pain meds are treated, I've seen much of it, and it's so very wrong. No one should be treated like a criminal or an addict because they are suffering to the extreme. It just adds to the feelings of worthlessness, and trying to convince the doctors, pharmacists, etc, can feel so futile. It is not an addiction if you need it. An addiction is taking what you don't need, for all the wrong reasons. I know your inner strength and courage, and if you say you are struggling even with it, I believe you... and they should too. As for insurance, don't even get me started. It really does seem that the whole nature of their game is to avoid payment of any kind. Something big needs to happen with healthcare in this country... SOON! Please keep us posted when you can, just checking in means a whole lot. Keep the faith, my heart is right there with you. XOXO Jos

Coffeypot said...

No need to apologize. It is a big part of your life and dominates your actions. I would be shocked if you posted a recipe or vacation pictures. It is good to get your feelings out of your head on on paper (screen). As for the prayers, I have sent a few up for you. Good luck with your insurance company and your surgery.

Cheryl said...

This is your place to say whatever you want, with no judgement. I cannot imagine your pain because by the grace of God, I've been spared. And I appreciate they way you're able to express the horror of your pain in a way that I can understand. I remember you back when you were working. When you still could. I remember all you did while in pain. I remember when your pain became almost unbearable. And you've lived with it, and now it's even worse. I feel such empathy for you. I would gladly take on some of your pain to relieve you just a little, if I could. I'm sending prayers your way, Jamie.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Just dropping by to tell you that you are in my thoughts today and every day. May God give you little reasons to smile while struggling to deal with the pain. Answers are coming, don't give up hope! XOXO

Just J said...

More than a week has passed, and I take that as a sign that your pain is overwhelming at the present. Hoping you will be able to give us a line or two of update soon. Praying hard for relief, both short term and long term. I have faith that it will come. XOXO