Saturday, June 03, 2017

Ridiculous



Me - taking so long to get back here and write --- RIDICULOUS!

I would say "I'm sorry" once again, but none of you would believe me. And I wouldn't blame you for thinking I'm full of it. And so, now comes the excuses:  or actually the reasons, because that does sound better and honestly, me not keeping up here hasn't been malicious or planned.

Things have just been wrong. Really wrong, for quite some time, now.

My surgery was not successful. I am now in a bit more pain than I was prior to having it. No, there is no reason for that --- just my luck, I guess. It has taken a very long time to heal, this time. I am still not completely solid there, and it has been eleven weeks! But, that area has been cut open many, many times and each time, it takes a bit longer to grow back together.

My insurance company has made my life a nightmare, in any and every way it can. Just three days prior to this huge surgery, I received a letter stating that they had reversed their prior decision and had now decided NOT to cover the surgery. I had two full days of frantic phone calls, and serious worry, but in the end, they changed their minds one more time and covered it.  I had to get everyone but God on the phone, (I had him on the prayer line, tho). It was a miracle that I managed to get them to reverse the decision, I had to get the state Insurance Commissioner involved, and even then, me - getting this awful, awful company to change their minds, a miracle. Seriously. Although so far, I'm feeling no positive effects from having it done. I still have a glimmer of hope - because it hasn't fully healed yet, so I still pray that when it does, there will be less pain. I'm afraid there will be no improvement until ALL the hardware is out of there, and I'm not sure my doctor will do that. He is worried about fracture - his terminology, not mine. So, I see him again in a couple of weeks, I will know more after that.

My sweet kitty Mason died. This time, I knew it was coming, he was quite sick and had been for a couple of years. It was a blessing and relief, but also it tore me up. I miss him in ways I didn't even know about --- we were a three kitty household at Christmas, now we are down to one kitty. It feels very empty here, even though Mason was never really "around". He kept to himself (unless he could wake me up, THEN he wanted to party). Even at his sickest, he was quiet, and he slept nearly all the time. But when he was awake, he was crying for food. It was constant. We fed him tiny amounts, literally around the clock. But at the very end, he quit eating and was drinking a tiny bit once a day. I had been worried about him just dying when he was here with me alone, but I also didn't want to have to make the decision to have it done. In the end, I knew very well when it was time to have it done. He was in pain, he could hardly get around, he was so weak and stumbly..... it was awful but it was time. I got to say good bye to him - tell him I loved him, one more time.....  Even when you know it time and it's right, it's still very hard. Poor Mark, he always has to take care of these things, all by himself. But he always does it, never complains, although it's as hard on him as it is on me. We cried together, like we always do --- and we got on with life. Now, the place just "feels" different. I am surprised how much I miss Meisha --- she was sort of the one that never asked for much, of the three, she was the quiet one, but I realize now that she was the one that made me laugh all the time. That little girl had a funny way about her, and she loved to make us laugh. Even though often you never really knew we had kitties, the loss of their presence feel so huge. I can't really explain it --- it just feel wrong. But I do not want to rush out and replace them. I never meant to have three kitties, you all know how that is, it just happens. As much as I loved them (and I did, oh-so-much) - I'm not ready to rush into the messes that I don'r have right now. One kitty makes a mess - three makes a HUGE mess. And I don't miss that.

And there is so much more to say --- but I just can't right now. I'll get back here just as soon as I can.

Take care --

J.


5 comments:

Coffeypot said...

Do what you can when you can. No rush. Sorry for the loss, too. Those fur-babies can really get next to us. Praying, too, they you heal the way you should and get some relief.

Josie Two Shoes said...

OMG my brain has gone to mush! I've been seeing you pop up on Facebook a bit so came here looking for a post when I was reading in bed the other night and found this, then totally blanked out about responding. I've been kind of bad about keeping up with blogging lately. I was so happy to see your comment on my FB page last night! :-) It is good to know you are among the living and still getting by.
I was pretty sure that things hadn't gone well with the surgery since we didn't hear more, but I haven't given up yet and I'm not going to, I still believe in the God of miracles and there is still one waiting for you!<3 Please keep us updated on what the doctor says. I am so sad that you have to live in constant pain, it breaks my heart.

Reading that you had to say goodbye to yet another kitty made me cry. I know exactly what you mean about the house feeling different. Even if they aren't in our faces all the time, they make their presence known, and you have had them so long! We have four, all long-haired, in the house, it is a constant fight against the fur and I've pretty much surrendered. I feel for anyone who would walk through my door wearing dark pants!! I am feeding a couple ferals that showed up outside too, at least they don't have to go without food and plenty of water in this extreme heat. I am happy to see them less thin than they were at first. You will know if and when the time is right to rescue another. Cats ask so little of us, and they give us reasons to smile and laugh when it's hard to find some.

My prayers for you continue, are you able to get up and out at all, or pretty much just to doctor appointments? I hope you have some flowers on the balcony to smile at. Much love always and forever, OXOX Josie

Josie Two Shoes said...

PS - Please don't ever feel guilty for not being able to show up, or think that you have to be excused. Anyone who knows you and loves you realizes how much you are dealing with and we are just delighted when you're feeling strong enough to check in, even a couple sentences is good, and I am loving knowing you are on Facebook now and then! :-)

Emily Adams said...

Today was 7 years since we lost Belle & I still miss my sweet kitty. Love you, Aunt Jamie! Sending love, hugs & prayers! ❤

Emily Adams said...

Today was 7 years since we lost Belle & I still miss my sweet kitty. Love you, Aunt Jamie! Sending love, hugs & prayers! ❤