Friday, May 15, 2009

This....and then, that.

As most of you know by now, when my life gets a little too hard to take I shut up. I can find nothing to say, nothing to write, and I even try to censor my thoughts. Whining is something I detest but find that I do (here) on a regular basis, even though I honestly do try to stop myself. So I apologize in advance, as this post will most certainly contain some (and perhaps all) whining.

Here goes-in no particular order:

Today I should know if I will continue to have a job. As all of you know GM is making their big announcement on who stays and who goes, today. I can think of no reason that they wouldn't be left standing after the bloodbath, but after Chrysler's big announcement yesterday, and the surprising results, who the hell knows? Either way, I am okay ---- it isn't exactly as though I have years of my life invested in this place, and you all know how I feel about the job in general. However, whether we stand or fall really makes no difference. This whole thing is making me cry. The only business that I know, the only business that I have ever loved and truly understood, is now completely UN-understandable. This country seems to be going to hell in a handbasket...(btw--where on earth did that saying come from?)...and there seems to be nothing that any of us can do about it, but wait for the fallout. If this announcement today does not affect me directly, you can bet that it will affect me in a million different ways indirectly, and actually---all of you, too. Major business losses, major job losses in our country will have a most devastating effect on every one of us, no matter what business you are in. Okay, I need to stop myself before I get political here, no one needs any more talking heads. Enough said.

Once I finish what I know will be a long hard day at the garage, I get to go and work my tail off in the land of the dutch. Save me. Tonight and tomorrow both--aren't you all jealous and don't you wish you could be me?

It's raining again. Storms today, actually. Just a short distance south of here, a huge (GM) dealership that I know well, was literally blown away Wednesday night. A half mile wide tornado took all of it and dumped it in a field behind. Cars stacked on top of one another...twelve foot high plate glass windows blown clear away - car parts (sheet metal) hanging from trees nearby. I know the place well and know the owner. Oddly enough, with the current business climate, I can't help but wonder if he won't come out better than the rest of us when it's all said and done.

I have had a really hard week emotionally. I am losing it friends, in a big, big way. I have called the appropriate parties for help, but can get no call backs. I finally give up and will wait until next Wednesday to see my regular doc.

Mothers day was a total disaster in my world. First of all, it was my first without my own mother, and that hurt, even more than I thought it would. I tried all day long to see the good, but finally managed to argue with my middle child, because he was the one in front of me, I suppose. I don't argue with anyone, ever. There are too few things worth the negative feelings left for everyone involved. However, on that day, I got mad. I have been too good a mom, whether they agree with me or not, to be put off (or completely ignored) the way I was. There were some valid reasons, there were some not-so-valid reasons. Either way, I was and still am hurt. I got a grandma card - my first ever, of course. But I did not get even one mothers day card. I didn't see any of my kids that day until nearly five, although I got a text or two, wishing me a happy day. None of them seem to understand that on that day, on MOTHERS DAY, the only happy way to spend it, is with your kids. To be fair, Janelle and Brodie brought me a card and a framed photo, about six that evening. By then, I was past even trying to pretend that I was happy to see them. In fact, I asked them not to come, as I was certain I would cry and carry on, and that's just what I did. I made her feel bad, and then I felt bad for doing so. My youngest called me, sometime after that, it had to be nearly seven that evening, saying he thought he might come and see me. I was in no mood, and politely told him that another day would work better. Did I act badly? Yes, I suppose I did. Perhaps on any other day, I could have contained myself. I had sat here most of the day alone, waiting, because each of them had told me they would be over. I honestly thought they knew the day would be a rough one for me. But---and I still feel this way ---- when all of your kids live within twenty minutes of their mom --- and no matter how little money they have to spend---no matter what the hell is going on in their lives---they can buy a damned card. And that goes for husbands that are living in their wives apartments, too, even though I am well aware that "I am NOT his mother". It is my own fault, I know this - that I put each and every one of them first. They do not make me do that. And I have learned an extremely valuable lesson here. And I found out the following day that complete strangers that work with you will ask how your mothers days was. People that I hardly know. And I also found out that I can lie rather well. "It was wonderful!". Enough said here, too.

The rest of my week is kind of a blur. I don't remember ever being so exhausted. But, I think I say that all the time, so I am guessing this is my lot in life. I have slept alot, but it doesn't seem to help. Depressed much? umm..yeah.

I finally got to see Brodie when he wasn't asleep! Janelle tells me if I want to see him awake, all I need to do is visit at two am..I had to laugh. She is doing a wonderful job, she is an awesome mom. We found out that my grandson is quite is uniquely talented..he peed in his own ear. I thought I had seen it all, but that was a new one on me. I can't wait to tell him that story on the day I meet his new girlfriend. Oh, I can see the joys of grandma-hood now. Happy Friday, I'm out. :)


The Middle Aged Woman said...

I know there is nothing I can type here that will make you feel better or that would change the way things are.

It doesn't stop me from wishing that it could though.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Ahhh, dear friend. We have SOOOOO much in common! My mother's day sucked too. My daughter did stop by with cards from her and her kids and some small gifts that I know she couldn't really afford, no matter how small the price. But she did come through for me. However she didn't feel well and went back home only after a few dinner, no pampering for me. Her own Mother's Day sucked more than mine!! My son called late in the day to say Happy Mother's Day...big woo. When I hear all these women at work brag about their day and what all happened....I can't help but feel hurt and a little envious. Sigh ~ I'm glad I certainly never did treat my own mom like this....cuz it hurts. Sending you hugs and a mental toast. xxoo

SOUL: said...

well, that isn't whining-- it's venting.. and very much needed at times. i hope you feel better getting it out. do ya?
i am sorry that things are so tough for you. funny how we all thought '09 was gonna be "the year" that turned everything around. dontchya think?
so many people said this would be their year-- including you and me. and look. if anything-- i think it's tougher than the last. wth?
i hope it only means we were off a year, and next year is the year we were waiting for??? bah! who knows?
all i know, is it has to get better.

i heard about tornadoes yesterday, but when i looked online the only place mentioned was MO. i was worried for you , but didn't see iowa anywhere. course, i didn't spend much time online yesterday..just a email check here and there. sorry about the dealership-- but you're right-- he prolly will come out ahead, while others falter. i can't beleive the mess the car industry is in. sure makes me feel guilty for drivin a foreign car. that won't happen again.

anyhow-- i'm writin a book here-- i hope your job is secure-- and your day is great-- look on bright side-- it's friday!!! oh yuk, that doesn't mean much in dutchville does it? just eat lots of ice cream this weekend... LOTS.


Smocha said...

Oh you poor baby. I wish I could just fix it all.
It sucks being a damn woman .

My mothers day also sucked ,if it's any consolation.



Jaime: I want to make it better for you..I'm praying for you if that's okay? don't blame yourself for being emotional..anyone that has experienced the loss of their mom will understand how void holidays like mothers day can be. My mom and I were just talking about how she wishes it wasn't such an important holiday--because of that very mom may have her kids to wish her happy mothers day, she may have grandkids to view, but she no longer has her hub, her main rim to call on and hug on mothers day. It makes her feel so much more closer to sleeping forever in this world then before her mom died. So even though I can't feel how you feel because I still have my mom around, you have other moms that are there along with you. missing their mom, hurting, and then feeling guilty for hurting.

out of curiousity, have you heard of the book, THE SHACK? it's something I've begun reading these past few crazy days and for whatever reason it is really helping me..just a thought.

It's about a man that spends time with G-d.

Harmony to you!

Cheryl said...

I could easily do without Mother's Day. I try to show my mother I love her every day. And it's one of those holidays that everyone brags about but if truth were told, the story would be more similar to yours. Maybe your kids learned a lesson and next year will be about you?

Waiting to hear about your job. Fingers crossed, cause a job is a job whether you're happy there or not.

ac said...

I must be weird. I don't want anyone to fluff me on Mother's Day. I want them to be nice to me everyday like Cheryl is to her Mom. I have always hated the obligatory stuff. Like them having to do something special on Mother's Day whether they want to do it or not.

Anyway... I find if I lower my expectations of my family, they disappointment me much less often. HA!

I know this nonsense from me doesn't help, but maybe you will get a smile out of knowing how strange your friend ac actually IS... :)

fiwa said...

That was hurtful. :(
I know it's not the same, but you really are special to me.

love you -

Terri said...

Hi Jamie, just got all caught up and my has it been busy around here.

First - congratulations on the whole grandma thing - how exciting! Brodie sounds just wonderful and just what the family needs.

Second - sorry about the job stress. Believe me I know. I work for Ford and it's just been one terrible year after another for three straight years. Unfortunately the snowball effect is in full gear now and affecting suppliers and dealers alike. It's tough times.

Third - I know what you mean about Mother's Day, it was a little below expectations for me, but that's just it, my expectations were probably too high. And thankfully my mom is still here but I know it's very hard for her because her mom is gone. Hopefully next year will be much improved!

Fourth - whining or not, I love your blog, I just wish there was something I could say to make you smile. Just take comfort in the small blessings like that new grandchild and the health of your kiddos.

God bless,