Monday, January 02, 2017

I HATE RESOLUTIONS

I hate RESOLUTIONS.

And so, here it is the second day of a brand new year. 2017. Holy crap, how can that even be? Time is no longer your friend after the age of 40, or so it has seemed in my world. Forty was so long ago I can't even see it. But enough about my age. I sound like my mother used to - like my grandmother used to --- Good hell,

So, as I was saying - I hate resolutions although I think many/most of us go through a mental list of things we'd like to change or at least see differently at the beginning of any new year. In that spirit, I will give you my 2017 NON-RESOLUTION.

I am going to write here, at least once a week, through out this new year.

Yeah -- so what do you think of that? A very, very tall order for someone like me. A very clear statement that will be super easy for anyone to see whether or not I have kept up with this promise. I may be able to -- I certainly want to. The reality though, is always the hard part. I am so often sick - I mean really, really unable to do anything. Physical pain has become my whole world. I want so much for that to be different, that I have begun forcing myself to do many things that I have been unable to do for the past years, and I have learned that it hasn't killed me. I am probably the strongest bitch you ever want to meet - even still, when I say forcing myself, omgosh I wish I could tell you what that entails. There just is no way to explain the sheer will it takes to just get up an DO when my pain is at it's usual level of 12.5 on a scale of one to ten. I honestly can make myself do many things but when my pain is that bad, being nice is never one of them. I also am not mean or nasty, I am just non-communicative. Ask me a question at that time and expect a grunt in reply. I can do many things but behave in a pleasant way at that time is not possible. So, making myself sit here at this desktop computer and write the honest truth in a manner that won't completely alienate every person that is wonderful enough to stop here and read could be asking for the impossible. But I intend to try,

Having said that, I need to clear up a few things. I honestly know I've been gone too long to expect the same wonderful readers that I used to have, I don even think the majority of those people still get on here and read anyone. If any of them still do, I am aware that they gave up on me a long time ago, and with good reason. I am also aware that to have readers, I also have to read the blogs of those that read me, and I am also promising to do my best at that, as well. I want so badly to have something that matters in my life again -- and yes, I know that writing a blog is not exactly rocket science or a life and death sort of issue, but it does matter to me. I have isolated myself in my pain. It has not been a conscious decision but it has happened, nonetheless. Also too, I want to try to be honest here. That, I have found, is really the hardest part about writing. Honesty is essential in life-even in something as small and inconsequential as this little blog. I sounds so easy to say, certainly very easy to type- HONESTY - but, oh-so-difficult to actually manage. There are things in my life that I have chosen not to say here, throughout all the years that I did write here. Many of them were small little unimportant details that really didn't matter, When they were added up though, I often felt like I was not just not being honest, but that maybe I was being DISHONEST, and there really is a difference. So, I will try. I also have to recognize that often my lack of honesty is purely because some things are not mine to tell. In those cases, I will choose to not to say those things.

Bear with me, my maybe one or two readers here - all of this will take some learning and re-learning. Also, some plain old sheer willpower and guts. A couple of things that I find I still have.

So, look for me. I will be here. I may not have pretty things to say - I may not have ANYTHING to say, but I will report just that.

Much love and big hugs --

J.

7 comments:

Josie Two Shoes said...

Yes, yes, YES!! Jamie's back in the blogsphere! I would never give up on you, and I do have a fair idea of what it means for you to put forth the effort and push thru the pain to form some sentences here. I love your promise to show up, we don't care if you are grumpy or short or just to the point. I like real, I have always liked real. And I agree that it's easy to get away from that, keeping too much to ourselves. It's a balancing act. Expect to hear more about that from me soon! Isolating ourselves from the people who love and care about us is so self-destructive. We really need each other. There was a time in my life I would not have made it through without your patience and continual encouragement! I have never forgotten that and I try to pay it forward. Even one sentence that says you are among the living is good enough on the hard days, I am just over the moon happy to have you back!

Coffeypot said...

It is good to see that your are going to write again. You need it, if for no other reason than it gives you something to do, a goal to reach. It also lets you get 'stuff' out of your head. Hell, you can even cuss if you want to. I'm an old Navy sailor, you won't embarrass me. However, there wont be a need to go to my blog. I haven't written anything in months. Mainly because I spend all my writing time on Facebook. But I come to my blog daily to read my peeps stuff. So I'll be here when you are.

Just J said...

Hi! Along with my JTS blog, I'm also blogging at https://wjhbhth.blogspot.com/ again under just J. Drop by when you feel up to it! You'll recognize me there. :-) By the way, I love, LOVE the photos of your grandkids and furkids! <3

Josie Two Shoes said...

I really related to the comment you left on my blog today. I have found myself missing those connections/friendships/caring many times in the past eight or so years! While our lives have all changed dramatically from back then, I believe the caring we have for each other is still there. Let's start sharing a little more about our lives when we can and maybe some of the others will feel brave enough to return. I will be doing that on the J blog. Hope to see you there. XOXO <3 Check in here whenever you feel up to it too, even just a line or two to say how the day went or find some tiny blessing to share. <3

Cheryl said...

Reading Josie's blog today, then Soul's and now yours...I have tears in my eyes. The friendship we made is embedded in my heart. I want to be like you. Make a commitment to a once a week blog. I think I'll start now.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Yes, Cheryl, that's what I wanted to hear!! :-) See what you started, Jamie! <3

Just J said...

Hi Jamie! I just read your comment on Cheryl's post, and it tugged at my heart, because I do remember you walking all the time, especially after you moved to the city, and how you used to work circles around all of us. I can only guess at how truly defeating it feels to want to and not to be able to. But the way I see it, is that you are still a fighter deep inside, and hanging in there dealing with things as best you can. I would cry too, that's real. Please update us on what's next medically, so we can pray for you and follow along with progress. You were always one to believe that good could happen, even when I doubted it, and now I'm a believer and reminding you that this could be the year things turn around. Please send me your email address or text#. You can send it to jts.2000@yahoo.com Thanks!