I have been a bad, bad blogger. I am not sure of the reason, but I sit here, ready to write and I just can't. I think it's because I know I will whine again about my pain, and I just can't put you through that, not again. Yes, I could write about anything - something other than that, but it always creeps into my conversations, my writing. I suppose that's because it's uppermost on my mind. So, I don't write. I read other blogs, usually I don't even comment. I am in a slump and trying to work through it. So here goes---
We did go to the symphony and it was so wonderful. I enjoyed it way more than I even thought I would. You can bet we will be going again. We are lucky to live in such a small city and have such accomplished arts--symphony, art center and museums, a huge theater program, including many Broadway shows. I intend to become more cultured, good heavens, and you all can see I need it.
I have been pushing myself from home to work and work to home. I don't manage much else during the week, that is all that I can do.
I am having the trial spinal stimulator put in on December 2nd. That will be in place for a week. If I feel that it helps, that one will be taken out, the permanent one will be put in. That surgery will have to be scheduled, most likely it would happen after the first of the year, which is good for the holidays, bad for insurance. I am not too excited about trying to heal from surgery during Christmas, but I am also not too excited about having it done in a new insurance deductible year. I guess time will tell.
I have spent the past two years looking for a church. Mark and I used to go to one in West Des Moines a couple of years ago, then while he and I weren't together, I tried a couple of others. While I liked them all, I couldn't say I found the one that I felt I belonged in, the one that excited me so much that I looked forward to going each week. That is, until yesterday. Mark and I went, it was so AWESOME. I am serious, everything about it felt just absolutely perfect. From the music to the sermon and everything in between, it was heaven. I have never felt so welcomed anywhere in my life. The problem? It is an African-Methodist-Episcopalian Church. The entire congregation is black. Totally--all of them. And, it's in the hood. Serious. Disclaimer: Though I don't mean for it to be this way, I am generally not very politically correct, and I have no reason to think that I can be now. What I say here is not meant in any way, shape or form to be disrespectful. So, before I say (write) something hurtful, forgive me. Deal?
I love black people. I always have. I have always wanted to be black. I love their looks, mannerisms, passion for everything---especially when they are worshipping God. I have always wanted to go to a black church. They know how to pray, worship, sing...oh how I love the way they do it. So, when Mark's co-worker, who is black, invited us to his church, I jumped right on it. He said there were a few white people there, (yesterday, there was no one but us). Anyway, it was so, so, so wonderful. I was moved to tears during their songs, and during the preaching. And let me tell you - that pastor was PREACHING. Can I get an AMEN? It was the best two hours I have spent in a long, long time. So, my dilemma?
I am not sure I feel right about going back. Yes, they were so very welcoming. Yes, they hugged on us, they talked to us, and they hugged some more. I am just not sure if I belong there. I assume the problem here is mine, and to be honest, I am surprised at myself. Surprised and disappointed. In me.I just cannot get over feeling so out of place. Thoughts, anyone?
And so I am off, to go to bed. I have been so damned tired and have actually been sleeping, some. Totally new for me, at least lately. So, I am out of here.Have a wonderful Tuesday tomorrow. :)