Monday, November 07, 2011

Can I get an Amen?

I have been a bad, bad blogger. I am not sure of the reason, but I sit here, ready to write and I just can't. I think it's because I know I will whine again about my pain, and I just can't put you through that, not again. Yes, I could write about anything - something other than that, but it always creeps into my conversations, my writing. I suppose that's because it's uppermost on my mind. So, I don't write. I read other blogs, usually I don't even comment. I am in a slump and trying to work through it. So here goes---

We did go to the symphony and it was so wonderful. I enjoyed it way more than I even thought I would. You can bet we will be going again. We are lucky to live in such a small city and have such accomplished arts--symphony, art center and museums, a huge theater program, including many Broadway shows. I intend to become more cultured, good heavens, and you all can see I need it.

I have been pushing myself from home to work and work to home. I don't manage much else during the week, that is all that I can do.

I am having the trial spinal stimulator put in on December 2nd. That will be in place for a week. If I feel that it helps, that one will be taken out, the permanent one will be put in. That surgery will have to be scheduled, most likely it would happen after the first of the year, which is good for the holidays, bad for insurance.  I am not too excited about trying to heal from surgery during Christmas, but I am also not too excited about having it done in a new insurance deductible year. I guess time will tell.

I have spent the past two years looking for a church. Mark and I used to go to one in West Des Moines a couple of years ago, then while he and I weren't together, I tried a couple of others. While I liked them all, I couldn't say I found the one that I felt I belonged in, the one that excited me so much that I looked forward to going each week. That is, until yesterday. Mark and I went, it was so AWESOME. I am serious, everything about it felt just absolutely perfect. From the music to the sermon and everything in between, it was heaven. I have never felt so welcomed anywhere in my life. The problem? It is an African-Methodist-Episcopalian Church. The entire congregation is black. Totally--all of them. And, it's in the hood. Serious.  Disclaimer:  Though I don't mean for it to be this way, I am generally not very politically correct, and I have no reason to think that I can be now. What I say here is not meant in any way, shape or form to be disrespectful. So, before I say (write) something hurtful, forgive me. Deal?

I love black people. I always have. I have always wanted to be black. I love their looks, mannerisms, passion for everything---especially when they are worshipping God. I have always wanted to go to a black church. They know how to pray, worship, sing...oh how I love the way they do it. So, when Mark's co-worker, who is black, invited us to his church, I jumped right on it. He said there were a few white people there, (yesterday, there was no one but us). Anyway, it was so, so, so wonderful. I was moved to tears during their songs, and during the preaching. And let me tell you - that pastor was PREACHING. Can I get an AMEN? It was the best two hours I have spent in a long, long time. So, my dilemma?

I am not sure I feel right about going back. Yes, they were so very welcoming. Yes, they hugged on us, they talked to us, and they hugged some more. I am just not sure if I belong there. I assume the problem here is mine, and to be honest, I am surprised at myself. Surprised and disappointed. In me.I just cannot get over feeling so out of place. Thoughts, anyone?

And so I am off, to go to bed. I have been so damned tired and have actually been sleeping, some. Totally new for me, at least lately. So, I am out of here.Have a wonderful Tuesday tomorrow.  :)                              


Mems said...

I'm glad to hear that you liked the symphony! I've been to plays and things, but never the symphony. It seems like it would be amazing though!

Keep us updated on the spinal stimulator. I saw Grandma & Grandpa a couple of weeks ago and they asked if I had heard how you were doing.

As for the church, I think you should try it again. Even if you don't end up deciding to join the church, it wouldn't hurt to go again while you're still trying to decide. I think that I would probably feel a little out of place too, but maybe if you get to know some more people that go there you won't feel as out of place because you'll be surrounded by friends! :) (Plus maybe if you go again and there are other white people there you'll feel a little more at ease.)

Love you! Hugs!

Ruth said...

I was just thinking of you today.
I remember going to the symphony in Des Moines when I was in 4th grade. It is the only time I went, but I liked it.
You say you can't get past being the only whites in that church? You only went once and that was yesterday. Give yourself a little time to think about it. Maybe try going another time or two and see how you feel.
I hope the spinal stimulator works.

Moohaa said...

Go again! See how you feel a second time. Give it and you a chance. Hugs friend. Glad you enjoyed the symphony.

Janie Fox said...

Go to the church. They will welcome you. Loves see no color. Praying for your pain to be relieved my friend. xoxo

On the Road Again said...

So good to hear from you again. I know what you mean about talking about the pain, but it is part of your life, right? And your blog is about your life, so it is natural for you to write about it.
I have been at a black church and felt the same way, I felt like we were intruding. But then I thought about it. In our all white church, a black couple came to a service, I didn't feel they were intruding, I was just glad to greet them like any other guest. Just visit the church until you know if it the one for you, no commitment.
I am so hoping the stimulator works for you, wouldn't it be wonderful to get some relief.

Leann said...

I'm assuming here, ehem, that you feel out of place simply because you are white. Everything else you seemed to connect to. Go to the church without benefit of your friend and see how they receive you. If you are not as welcome then you have your answer. I personally can't imagine a place that would be more filled with the essence of Christ than a black church. They put everything they have into it. We white folks, we're a reserved bunch :-)

Glad you enjoyed the symphony. Culture up, culture down, all in all you are who you are.

Lena said...

I agree. Go another time. It sounded like you found a place that resonated with you. That is hard to find! But I understand, you have to feel comfortable. And you can work on that part of it if you really enjoy the rest of it.

Good luck with the spinal stimulator and the operation. Wow, a lot to deal with!

Anonymous said...


Noofy said...

Life is too short not to enjoy the pleasure of it. If going to an all-black church and you are welcomed there, go for it! Color only matters to those who see it. All for one, one for all! I hope your pain gets better. Enduring pain gets frustrating. Fight it and win - I'm trying with my knee, care to join me? I'm not giving up fighting and I'm certainly not giving up on you, don't you give up either, damnit! Better times are coming, hang in there, hugs, xoxo

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