Friday, May 27, 2011

Low Places

I am feeling pretty damned down tonight. This has been a difficult week and it's over now, so in my head I should be feeling way better than I do. I am just tired I guess...of so, so many things. Physically tired? Always. Mentally worn out? That too, always. Fed up with a few that just don't really care? Oh yeah...and the truth comes through when the chips are down. And you know - I have to say my chips are down. Way down. My outlook is bleak, physically. I already knew that, hell, I can feel it every day. But I had that confirmed for me yesterday and it didn't feel good. And that's bad enough. But then  --- then, no one that matters to me, hell--forget the matters part--no one called to find out what was said at that very important doctor appointment. Everyone knew that I had it, everyone knew I was nervous about what I would find out. I get that all are busy, pre-occupied, whatever. I do. And I also get that I am probably really a drag to talk to, although I honestly try NOT to whine and complain every day of my life. Seriously. I am guessing I don't do well at that one,because I can think of no other reason that the interest in my future, physically, is zero. It isn't like I am talking about strangers, acquaintances, even friends, I am talking about my own kids here. And the others that say I matter. I don't/won't talk about myself as a general rule, I always direct the conversation back to the one I am talking to, so I am left to guess that is why. But honestly, it really kind of hurt.

And the fact that my neck will require surgery soon, after I go though a few series of shots in it first, that hurts, too. The doc said that surgery will have to be the last thing to do, once my legs have become to weak again to walk. Yes --- he feels certain that will happen again, the discs in my neck are beginning to press on my spinal cord again and with time, the myelopathy will come back. In the meantime, we will try other things to relieve the pain that comes from there every second of my life.Another surgery on my discs in my neck will be the final one that can be done.  He was disturbed at the difference in the reflexes of my arms, so much worse than two months ago, and that is a sure signal that my spinal cord is being compromised there. As far as my lower back goes....that is the worst part. It is so bad that there is nothing left to do. No surgery, no shots, no help whatsoever. The doc said that he is afraid to touch it in any way, that he is frankly surprised that I can even move at all. So, time will deteriorate that, too. Yes, I was feeling low yesterday. I might have wanted someone to talk to. But I don't anymore. I will deal with it.

Blenheim.

13 comments:

Janelle said...

The label "stupid kids" also applies here, I think. I messed up, Momma. I can tell you that I meant to call, I remembered what was happening yesterday but it doesn't make a lot of difference now that I got too caught up in the day to get it done. I'm sorry. I do think about you, and I do worry about you, but I don't like to bother you when I know you're hurting and just want some peace and quiet. Excuses, I know, but it's true. I'm glad your crappy week is over, I'm glad you have a three day weekend coming up. Hopefully we'll get to see you? I love you. And I'm sorry.

azjuleseleven said...

Ahhhhhh Jamie, I am sorry and there is nothing to say to make it better.....

A three day weekend is good timing though? Right?

Much Love

JY said...

aaww man.... "hugs" is all i can give... and say....

Ruth said...

Sorry about your bad news. My mother in law had to have surgery on her neck about 8 months ago I think. She was having the same problems as you and she didn't have a choice.
I am also sorry no one called you.
It is important to hear from loved ones.
Take care of you.

Cheryl said...

It's easy for us to be supportive from afar...that doesn't help when what you need is family. I'm so glad Janelle posted here! I know seeing her and your babies will help lift your mood.

I so want you to be out of pain. It seems like anything might be tolerable if that can happen. Will you be setting up a surgery date? Stupid back, stupid neck.

Take it easy this weekend. Enjoy it :)

kristi said...

I know what you mean. My niece graduated and my sister didn't even give me an invitation. I am close with my sister and I told her how rude it was.

Hugs!
Hope your surgery goes okay!

Mary said...

Jamie, I'm sorry about your news and that you felt so alone. I wish I was closer so we cold have sit down, face to face talks. You really need that.

Please use the long weekend to rest as much as you can. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you.

Leann said...

I am really sorry you have had a sucky week. It does not sound like the news from the doc cheered you up any. Thoughts are with you. Blessed be.

dann said...

Hey Jamie......I did like how Janelle got right on it, none of my 3 kids would have expressed remorse...ever. Life is so relative and everything is a trade off, for example your grand kids are your world and yet you some hideous degenerative spine(Of course I feel your pain on this one). You like where you live but you hate the traffic. Simple way of saying life is trade offs, no one gets it all. I think Im sounding like Ive been drinking so Ill end, i tried in sme wierd way to help. I really feel bad.

dann said...

do you remeber the day at the restaurant I saw you and thought you was so hot I accidnetly hit that cup of straws and it went flying every where, ha. Just hoping you would laugh :)

Elizabeth Mueller said...

*Hugs* I will keep you in my prayers.

♥.•*¨Elizabeth¨*•.♥
Can Alex save Winter from the darkness that hunts her?
YA Paranormal Romance, Darkspell coming fall of 2011!

Janie Fox said...

prayers for you friend.

Lena said...

Sorry to hear that you will be facing surgery for your neck and that things don't look so good for your back. Living with that kind of pain must be just so awful. I feel for you.

I am glad to see your daughter apologized. if u didn't speak up, she wouldn't know how u felt.

Is it worth getting a second opinion?