I am feeling pretty damned down tonight. This has been a difficult week and it's over now, so in my head I should be feeling way better than I do. I am just tired I guess...of so, so many things. Physically tired? Always. Mentally worn out? That too, always. Fed up with a few that just don't really care? Oh yeah...and the truth comes through when the chips are down. And you know - I have to say my chips are down. Way down. My outlook is bleak, physically. I already knew that, hell, I can feel it every day. But I had that confirmed for me yesterday and it didn't feel good. And that's bad enough. But then --- then, no one that matters to me, hell--forget the matters part--no one called to find out what was said at that very important doctor appointment. Everyone knew that I had it, everyone knew I was nervous about what I would find out. I get that all are busy, pre-occupied, whatever. I do. And I also get that I am probably really a drag to talk to, although I honestly try NOT to whine and complain every day of my life. Seriously. I am guessing I don't do well at that one,because I can think of no other reason that the interest in my future, physically, is zero. It isn't like I am talking about strangers, acquaintances, even friends, I am talking about my own kids here. And the others that say I matter. I don't/won't talk about myself as a general rule, I always direct the conversation back to the one I am talking to, so I am left to guess that is why. But honestly, it really kind of hurt.
And the fact that my neck will require surgery soon, after I go though a few series of shots in it first, that hurts, too. The doc said that surgery will have to be the last thing to do, once my legs have become to weak again to walk. Yes --- he feels certain that will happen again, the discs in my neck are beginning to press on my spinal cord again and with time, the myelopathy will come back. In the meantime, we will try other things to relieve the pain that comes from there every second of my life.Another surgery on my discs in my neck will be the final one that can be done. He was disturbed at the difference in the reflexes of my arms, so much worse than two months ago, and that is a sure signal that my spinal cord is being compromised there. As far as my lower back goes....that is the worst part. It is so bad that there is nothing left to do. No surgery, no shots, no help whatsoever. The doc said that he is afraid to touch it in any way, that he is frankly surprised that I can even move at all. So, time will deteriorate that, too. Yes, I was feeling low yesterday. I might have wanted someone to talk to. But I don't anymore. I will deal with it.