Friday, November 12, 2010

Happiness is...

When I wake up in the morning, there is a smile on my face. I mean, literally, in the dark, in the wee-small hours of the day, I smile. I SMILE. I reach out for the man that shares my bed --- the four legged, long tailed, hairy man named Mason, who is always ready to reward me with a loud purr. I talk to him, I tell him what day it is, I comment on what is going to happen on that particular day, and I am smiling and purring inside, myself. For a long while, I did not recognize this feeling, this smiling feeling, that comes from the inside and spreads to the outside. But in the past few months, I have come to know it as "happy". Yes, I am aware that it isn't the "in" thing to be, it isn't cool, and few ever really want it, but I am happy. Each and every day. No matter what is going on around me, I smile inside. I am comforted by my routine, my lifestyle, my plans, and even the struggles and daily little traumas. I am grateful each and every day for the job that I have, the place that I live, my sisters and their families, the friends I have made, the children and grandchildren that put a song in my heart, for my husband who lives down the hall and one day I will call my ex, for the freedom I feel each minute, for each and every little thing, I am grateful and well...just happy. Those of you that are really close to me, that really take the time and know me, know that every day brings pain on a scale that most people will never imagine. Pain that would strike down King Kong, if it weren't for the attitude. I am ever grateful for the medications I take...and the will of iron that I am made of, to never let it stop me. It can and does get me down on occasion, but each and every time I rise again, never giving in. I push on, going to the gym and working this tired old body ever harder. In the long run, it is helping me greatly. In the short term, I know it makes the pain worse, but I am the kind that must have a goal to reach, and mentally I am stronger because of it, physically...the changes are drastic and helping the overall of ME so much. Perhaps the facts of my medical issues have helped me to be the best I can, because knowing that the reality of my life is that I could, at some point not too far off, have little to no control left over my body. My spinal cord is for whatever reason, disintegrating. I could at some point require wheels to get around and various other accouterments just to manage daily life. I suppose that is part of the reason that I have decided to live in the moment and surround myself only with people and situations that bring out the best. But for whatever reasons I am what I have become, I will take it, enjoy it and live it with gusto. Seriously. I no longer care about the tomorrows because I have the gift of today. I have my God, my family, my friends, my little life and I am ever..EVER grateful that I have been chosen to experience the best that life has to offer. I marvel at the me I am now, compared to the me I was just two short years ago. It is very hard for me to believe that I am the same person that thought of making that one short turn of the steering wheel, right into the side of the bridge at a very high rate of speed, most mornings on my way to work. I am thankful that I am no longer "her". I am thankful for the abilities I have been given to overcome. I am thankful, and humble and...happy.

Happy Friday. :)

6 comments:

Golden To Silver Val said...

Oh Jamie....what a wonderful post! You actually put a smile on MY face. Your attitude is priceless and what some people would pay to have it!!! Whoever said 'attitude is everything' had it right, didn't they. I'm so happy for your happiness and you are such an inspiration for others who have a lot of the same problems and worries you do. I love ya, girl....and like I always say..."keep smilin'". xo

Mems said...

Awww!!! Aunt Jamie! You are such a strong person! That post made me smile too! I'm glad you're happy! You have officially brightened my day! :D Love you!

Leann said...

It is moments like this that help us to go go through the tunnels of darkness and return to the light a better, stronger person. It is a joy to hear you are doing so well mentally Jamie. You have a lot to live for. No tomorrows are promised so we should each make the most of what we have today. Surrounding ourselves with positive people and events certainly helps. I feel like I've said that before :-)

Blessings to you this happy Friday!!

JTS said...

Dearest Jamie, I found this post so profoundly moving that I sent a copy to my daughter today. I thought it might help her understand what I tell her about there always being reasons for hope and happiness no matter how dark and desolate life can feel at times. Your story is amazing, to have discovered that love and life, happiness and peace can co-exist with pain and struggle, and can be found not only in the big things, but in the small routines and magic moments that make up our lives. Like you, my life is happy now... not always easy, not without its worries, and all to often exhausting... but I love it, and I have found peace and contentment at long last. Blessings to you always, and many more bright moments to give you strength to carry on. Love, Josie

Just Me said...

You are an inspiration! Your happiness makes me happy for you!

Lena said...

Some people never get to the place you are at. How inspirational! I am so happy for you and I must say, it is contagious!