I have started and erased this blog post about a gazillion times, so this time, no matter what comes out, it's here to stay.
I don't remember being so low, not in years and years. Funny how these things happen, I knew it was time, I knew this was coming, but I was not prepared for the sad feelings that have washed over me. Does this mean that the last sixteen years of my life have been a mistake? Does it mean that these years have all been wasted? I look at him with love. I look at him and want so badly to see what I saw all those years ago. I try so damned hard to feel it again.
But what I feel is guilt. With a capital G. Why couldn't I remain that girl? Why can't I still see my life with the wonderful rose tint that I have been looking through for so long now? Why must age and circumstance and luck and LIFE bring out the truth? Reality bites, hard.
He says he feels the same, through tears. He says he wants what it used to be. He can't say that D word, but agrees it's time. He says that I remain "his girl". But it's over. And so I say..."now what?" My heart is in about a million pieces and I have no idea what to do with this day. Or the next, or the next.
I remember saying not too long ago, feeling anything would be better than the nothing I have felt for so long now. Hmmm....Be careful what you wish for.