Saturday, May 29, 2010

Be careful what you wish for

I have started and erased this blog post about a gazillion times, so this time, no matter what comes out, it's here to stay.

I don't remember being so low, not in years and years. Funny how these things happen, I knew it was time, I knew this was coming, but I was not prepared for the sad feelings that have washed over me. Does this mean that the last sixteen years of my life have been a mistake? Does it mean that these years have all been wasted? I look at him with love. I look at him and want so badly to see what I saw all those years ago. I try so damned hard to feel it again.

But what I feel is guilt. With a capital G. Why couldn't I remain that girl? Why can't I still see my life with the wonderful rose tint that I have been looking through for so long now? Why must age and circumstance and luck and LIFE bring out the truth? Reality bites, hard.

He says he feels the same, through tears. He says he wants what it used to be. He can't say that D word, but agrees it's time. He says that I remain "his girl". But it's over. And so I say..."now what?" My heart is in about a million pieces and I have no idea what to do with this day. Or the next, or the next.

I remember saying not too long ago, feeling anything would be better than the nothing I have felt for so long now. Hmmm....Be careful what you wish for.

I'm out.

13 comments:

Smocha said...

I'm so sorry Jamie. I can't even imagine how much that would hurt after being together for so long.

(((Big hugs)))

Lynx217 said...

Take it from experience, the road from here is hell, but it will get better. My bf's first marriage ended after well over 20 years. There are STILL issues that come up but I think that the best thing you two can do is try to remain friends at least. If you two can keep it amicable, that should make things easier than they could otherwise be. But I really shouldn't be the one giving advice, oh well. Just my two cent's worth.

Lena said...

I am so sorry for your pain. Very sorry things did not work out for you two.

Grieving is always hard and painful, but you will make it through. One day at a time, one minute at a time if need be.

Be good to yourself. Hugs...

Golden To Silver Val said...

Oh Jamie, I wish I could say something to help....something deep...something even witty. But all I can say is....you know I care and you know how to reach me. I'm here for you. Hugs.

Mary said...

Jamie, I read and re-read your post several times. I wish I could take it all away because I know it hurts like hell.

The years the two of you spent together were not a misake nor were they wasted. You covered a lot of ground together some good and some bad. In time the bad will fade and the good memories will still be there for you.

Moving forward is painful but happiness and love are surely waiting to welcome you to life's next adventure.

Coffeypot said...

I’ve been there. Fifteen years and despite the efforts, we grew apart - in different directions. I don’t feel that I wasted those years nor do I feel that we failed. We just matured differently and both of us are much happier now. As in grief over someone dying, there is grief over separation. You will work through your feelings and move on with your life. It’s doesn’t matter about the girl you use to be, it is about the woman you are now, and what your future holds for you. Hanging on to the good stuff in you past will only make it harder to come to terms. I wish you God speed in your decisions and recovery. Email if you need to.

kristi said...

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Lord knows we have had our ups and downs in our marriage. Hugs.

Sophie said...

Dearest Jamie, you walked this broken-hearted path with me and know that it is all too familiar, and now my daughter does the same. I wish you healing, and just as you assured me, I promise you that love will come again some day. For the moment, it is putting one foot in front of the other and setting your sites on just getting thru each day, and I know that somehow you will get thru it, because you are made of strong stuff, and there are children and beloved little ones who need you. That's what we women do, we struggle, we survive, and eventually we move on. Take what was good from these years together and engrave it in a scrapbook in your heart, it has contributed to making you the beautiful person that you are. Love and hugs and prayers coming your way!

CRUSTYBEEF said...

I don't know what you're going thru, having never experienced it, but knowing what it feels like when Brian and I are in just a "phase" of our marriage, when it feels like we're on separate planets, is scary enough. Never at this point, so as hard as that time is, I can't imagine what it's like to know it will be permanently like that.

You never know what the future may hold. You may be separate today. But perhaps maybe, just maybe the universe is waiting to align your stars together again, someday. I've seen many friends become friends with their former spouse all be the negative of divorce. They end up back together, and without the marriage certificate this time, they're brand new "youngsters" all over again.

No matter what is tomorrow for you, even these difficult moments, I truly believe there will always be a positive in something that currently is so the opposite.

Many hugs and snuggles.
ebie

Leann said...

I too am so sorry that you are feeling so much pain. Me too, having been there I understand.

Please don't look as all of those years as a waste in time, effort, maturity, or growth, for they are all of those things. What you have learned about yourself, your life, your ability to love and take on any challenge is what you have gained from the difficult and the pain.

Take the time to grieve, to take care of yourself, and most of all to not rush it. As in any type of grieving there will be days of joy, sorrow, and downright ugliness.

Know my thoughts and prayers are with you and if you need to talk I'm always here :-) Again, if you want my phone number, plz don't hesitate to e-mail me.

Blessings
Leann

fiwa said...

I'm sorry for you and Mark both. But I also admire you for making a really tough decision. Hang in there, my love, and know that I am praying for both of you.

love you -
me

Cheryl said...

Hey Jamie,
I can't add anything more heartfelt than your other friends have shared. Having said that, I'm going to try. Life ebbs and flows. These feeling will be replaced by others. You're not a failure and you need to get rid of the guilt. I don't know how it will go living so close to Mark. That might be a constant reminder. I don't know. One day at a time. That's the attitude you need to embrace.
Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

LL Cool Joe said...

Keeping a relationship going after many many years is so hard. I've been with my partner over 23 years now, and the relationship has changed I have to admit. I can't see my life without them but I wish the old magical spark was there more. It's hard to keep that alive I think.

I don't think things can ever be what they used to be, it's a case of can you live with things the way they are now. For some it works, and for others maybe it's not enough.