Saturday, January 02, 2010

My list

A new year, a new beginning and blah, blah, blah. This is where I am supposed to tell you all my goals for the year....well I am not in the mood. In fact, I am not in the mood for much, so far I have not felt too full of good cheer in 2010. In fact, you could say I am a bit pissy. This new year will be just like the old one...full of things I have to do, leaving no opportunity for me to manage the want-to's, health wise. Unless some miracle happens, I will not be able to manage anything on my list. I am tired of living like this. Completely. But I can give you the list anyway, so you all can see what I am NOT going to be doing:

I want to travel. I want to see things...and this is new for me. I don't know where this comes from -- all of my life, I have been perfectly content to see my four walls and local areas. Not anymore.

I want to volunteer at a local women and children's shelter. I can't do all that much for them, but I can cook and clean and be there. I really, really want to do this...but you all know I can barely manage my own apartment these days.

I want to be able to get out and walk ---- for a long way. For miles. Like I have always been able to do. I can't tell you all the freedom and happiness I feel when I am out, just my own two feet and me. The breeze in my hair...the sun on my back...dammit, I miss being able to do this. I cry when I think about it.

I want to lift my grandson. Pick him up and squeeze him. I want to take him places, just me and him. I want to be able to go...when I want to. With Brodie. Dammit.

I want the old me back...the one who woke up happy, and ready to face the challenges of the day. This new person, this one I am stuck with recently --- she can't/doesn't/won't do this anymore. She wakes up in pain, each step more painful than the last. She is always thinking about how to make the pain go away, and how long before she can get back home to take the drugs that do just that. She sucks.

I want to get in my kitchen and cook. This one seems easy, don't you think? Well it isn't, not anymore. I have spent my life cooking, baking, planning, preparing. These days? It's a damned chore. One that is done out of complete necessity....when someone is coming over, or it's a holiday. Most of what I create in the kitchen these days ends up in the garbage. I have lost my touch. And my patience.

I think my mind will be next. Vegetable anyone?

Happy new year.


Smocha said...

Hang in there:)

Here's hoping the new year brings wonderful things your way !

Lena said...

Pain changes everything,I am sorry that your pain is interfering with your life so much.

You said that unless a miracle happens this year will be like last year.

Well miracles do happen so I will be praying for one for you. You deserve it.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Jamie I know where you're coming from....honest to God I do. Some of this could have been written by me. I am learning from my daughter...believe it or not. She said to me one day, "mom, you have to learn to do things in a different way now". This from my child who has lived in pain since 1996 when she had the accident. I'm mad too and I've been so busy being mad and bitter that I wasn't trying different ways to do stuff. NOW, I'm doing that and some of it is working. Some of it, I have a ways to go yet. An example...I use a mop to clean out my bathtub now. I load the dishwasher sitting down, on an office chair with wheels. I do grocery shopping in small increments (maybe only 4 bags at a time) and I use the riding cart. That's what they are there for and you can actually get through the store faster with one of those. I know how you feel...I know the bitterness and the anger...but dear friend, all of that is not gonna help us, it just makes us worse mentally. I wish I lived close, we could help each other. We could have riding grocery cart races....they'd kick us out for sure. LOL Smile honey....its all we got and at least it doesn't hurt to do it. Big hugs. Love Charlotte. xo

Lynn said...

Small steps. It is so difficult to cook just for yourself sometimes. I find myself doing takeout or salads more often than not. But there is something sort of satisfying and simple about stirring a stew and the good smells that fill your home.

SOUL: said...

you can call -- or text me if ya want to.
you know i been right where you are -- more than one too many times.
thinkin of you lots, and hope you can find somethin to make you feel better.

LL Cool Joe said...

This post makes me sad. :( From the few times I've been really ill and that feeling of relief when I start to feel better is the best feeling in the world, so to feel ill all the time must be terrible. :(

M Chickk said...

Thanks for your kind words. Its nice to know I was missed. I wish I had something good to say to you. Your list is great, I just hope you can do some of what makes you happy and feel better. Not to be a negative nelly but I would like to just skip this year and go on to the next. I am hoping that maybe by 2011, it might...might be better. Here is hoping, for the both of us, that I am wrong and this year wont suck so bad, huh? Take care! :)

Gypsy said...

I agree with Val in that there is hope, you just have to find new ways to do things that are manageable. It isn't ideal nor what you signed up for but it's better than the alternative.

It might be difficult to achieve the goals you would have liked to attain so why not find some new goals that are a bit more manageable. Find a hobby that you can enjoy sitting down. Maybe you could volunteer at the shelter doing admin type work and just talking to the women and children. Giving them some of your hard fought for wisdom would be a wonderful gift.

I hope you don't think I am not being very understanding because you know that I am exactly like you and am not happy unless I'm working myself to death. I'm not in the pain you are but I have certainly lost a lot of my abilities to do things. I can't work outside in the heat so I go out there at 5.30am for a couple of hours and then in the early evening. Once upon a time I would have been out there from sun up to sunset but I have had to accept some realities.

Don't give up Jamie. You have more to offer than you know. I know you are in constant pain and it's difficult to remain upbeat under those circumstances but I'd hate to see you spiral down emotionally as well.

Call can cheer each other up and lift each others spirits.

Cheryl said...

A new normal is how you need to see things. You have so many gifts. There are things you can do, but they're not exactly what you had in mind. This year can be great. I HOPE there's a way to relieve some of your pain. I really do, my friend.

Terri said...

Happy New Year Jamie. I'm sorry to see the your outlook is grim but I understand, my mom has been dealing with constant pain for nearly ten years and I worry about her getting more depressed, but she's hanging on with support from her family and great friends. Just keep holding on to the things you love and try anything new to be at this. By the way, it's been a while since I've been here but Brodie is so cute! :o) Look forward to catching up with you some more.