My list

A new year, a new beginning and blah, blah, blah. This is where I am supposed to tell you all my goals for the year....well I am not in the mood. In fact, I am not in the mood for much, so far I have not felt too full of good cheer in 2010. In fact, you could say I am a bit pissy. This new year will be just like the old one...full of things I have to do, leaving no opportunity for me to manage the want-to's, health wise. Unless some miracle happens, I will not be able to manage anything on my list. I am tired of living like this. Completely. But I can give you the list anyway, so you all can see what I am NOT going to be doing:

I want to travel. I want to see things...and this is new for me. I don't know where this comes from -- all of my life, I have been perfectly content to see my four walls and local areas. Not anymore.

I want to volunteer at a local women and children's shelter. I can't do all that much for them, but I can cook and clean and be there. I really, really want to do this...but you all know I can barely manage my own apartment these days.

I want to be able to get out and walk ---- for a long way. For miles. Like I have always been able to do. I can't tell you all the freedom and happiness I feel when I am out, just my own two feet and me. The breeze in my hair...the sun on my back...dammit, I miss being able to do this. I cry when I think about it.

I want to lift my grandson. Pick him up and squeeze him. I want to take him places, just me and him. I want to be able to go...when I want to. With Brodie. Dammit.

I want the old me back...the one who woke up happy, and ready to face the challenges of the day. This new person, this one I am stuck with recently --- she can't/doesn't/won't do this anymore. She wakes up in pain, each step more painful than the last. She is always thinking about how to make the pain go away, and how long before she can get back home to take the drugs that do just that. She sucks.

I want to get in my kitchen and cook. This one seems easy, don't you think? Well it isn't, not anymore. I have spent my life cooking, baking, planning, preparing. These days? It's a damned chore. One that is done out of complete necessity....when someone is coming over, or it's a holiday. Most of what I create in the kitchen these days ends up in the garbage. I have lost my touch. And my patience.

I think my mind will be next. Vegetable anyone?

Happy new year.