Saturday, October 17, 2009

Before the dawn

This is the best time of my whole week, early morning on Saturday, nothing pressing, the world is still quiet...ahhh. I love it.

I can't say this has been the worst week ever, but it surely hasn't been the greatest of my life. I am on an emotional roller coaster but trying so hard to control and contain it. My kids will be the death of me...and it honestly isn't their fault, it's completely mine, I just can't handle the issues of real life that have befallen my family, well ---for the past years. I try so hard to look for the good and when I do, I always find it. However, those moments seem to blend into so many more difficult moments. I am a glass half full girl, but sometimes it really is hard to be. I see my therapist on Tuesday, and this week, I am looking forward to it. Most of the time, it seems a wasted hour to me, but there are times when she can show me the best way. I seriously always know what way that is, for some reason the older I get, the more I need another to tell me I am thinking right, what is up with that?

I am going to look for a part-time job this afternoon. I know that Saturday probably isn't the optimum day for such activity, but for the type of thing I'm looking for, it probably is as good as any other day. I am not sure that I can manage one, but I think I need to try. Money is such an issue and whining certainly won't help. I have had to help my kids once again, even though I swore I would not. Sometimes, there just isn't any other way. I have just enough to get by but I hate living that way. This is the first time in my recent life---the past 15 years or so---that I have had to live within my means, and I am not finding that so easy to do. Which would explain how I got into the financial mess I have been in the past year, yes..that fact does not escape me. I am too quick to give away what I do have, never thinking beyond what the person in front of me at that time needs. I believe that money is such a bad seriously is the root of evil, in so many ways. For me, if I have it, it means nothing. When I don't --- well, it becomes the most important thing in the world. When I think of my age and the financial mess I'm in, I nearly hyper-ventilate. I have no one but me to blame, and that makes it worse. I have worked too damned hard to be in this mess but can kick no one's ass but mine. Being in this position sucks, friends. So, I sincerely hope to be able to physically work another job, so that I can at least provide a bit of padding for that rainy day that always comes.

BOTH of my sisters are coming to visit next Thursday evening, and staying until Sunday. I cannot tell you how excited I am. It is a no-boys, no-kids, no-anyone weekend, that will mark the first anniversary of our moms death. That date is the 27th, and they will be here and gone by then, but I believe their visit will surely help. She has been on my mind alot these past weeks, and I cannot believe it has been a year since I've seen her. I miss her every day, and still find myself thinking that I need to call and tell her this or that. Sadness seems to permeate every part of my life, and of those I love right now. These times are just HARD.

Enough of that. This is a happy day, it's Saturday for heavens sake. I think I will go to church tonight. Happy Weekend!


Gypsy said...

Well look at your fancy pants blog Jamie.....Wow.

I'm so sorry that things aren't going too well for the kids but I worry about you doing a second job. The one you have nearly kills you by days end. Having said that though I do understand how stressful it can be when there never seems to be enough money or at the very least, you just manage to scrape by.

I hope you and your sisters have a wonderful time together. Maybe that's just what you need to get you up and happy again. I hope your mum's anniversary isn't too painful for you Jamie. I'll be thinking of you.

Leann said...

Jamie ~ I know exactly how you feel. I am prone to help everyone around me because I have it until I don't have it anymore and I'm in trouble because of it. It is difficult to say no. Money is the one thing that will cause anxiety to the highest degree.

I hope you enjoy the visit with your sisters. I know I enjoy getting together with mine

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. I dread the day I don't have mine anymore. To know that she is there when I need her to something I often times take for granted.

Enjoy your weekend my dear and I'll pray that things start to even out for you.

Maria said...

My sisters are all coming to my city next weekend too. One already lives here. Two live in small town Iowa and will be traveling four hours to visit. They always stay with my sister since she has a huge house with TWO extra bedrooms and that is fine with me.

We always have so much fun....just the four or us. Funny, I would never pick any of my sisters to be my friends but I cherish each one.

Anonymous said...

Yes, it does seem to be a struggle sometimes to maintain a positive attitude in the face that all that happens, it seems like snowballs keep aiming for our faces! But we are survivors, you and I, and we will always find the way up and out, I'm sure of that! You are so right about money - it means nothing until you don't have enough, then it permeates everything and that stinks! I hope you won't have to work an extra job for long, that's exhausting. We are struggling too, and it may come to that or a job change for more pay and I dread evening thinking about it. But I expect better days ahead, because I've already been thru the worst times. Kids! It was sooo much easier when they were small, wasn't it? I hope you have an awesome time with your sisters, that sounds like an awesome idea! Love you, Jamie!

Lena said...

It will be nice to have your sisters visit and get their support right now.

Taking on a second job is hard, good luck with that.

Lynx217 said...

I have thought many times about trying to take on a second job, but this one I got right now literally nearly kills me sometimes with all the people I have to come in contact with daily and all the illnesses they carry! The money is tight all the time here, especially with the sick kitty and the diabetic one especially. But when push comes to shove I can usually eek by paying someone for a day or two or cut enough out for a little while to get by. Don't overdo yourself, because if you do, you won't be able to work well if at all at either job and then you're really screwed. Just do what you can and things will come around when they're meant to... odd as it sounds.
Thanks by the way for stopping by my blog, it was a welcome surprise and it made my day. Glad to see you still poke in now and then.

SOUL: said...

hey jamie--

i'm happy that your sisters will be coming. i know how happy they make you. and no better time than now to be visiting! i know y'all will have a good time.
have your special meal and remember the good times with your mom.
no tears allowed.
i think of you lots--
i worry about you workin too much-- but if you have to-- best of luck with that endeavor !
lemmee know how it goes k
hugz and happy sunday!

Jules said...

Hi Jamie!

I'm glad I stopped by your blog today.

Sometimes words of encouragement sound hollow when the tunnel you are facing is so big. But I'm going to give you some anyhow....

Have patience with yourself during tough times. It may feel impossible some days, but those are the days that character is built.
Lean on your courage harder than you ever have before.
Keep writing. It's incredibly theraputic.


Cheryl said...

I wonder if you could carve out a little "me" time every morning, just for you? Pretend it's Saturday? Do your happy thing.

I'm with the others in worrying about a second job for you. Can't someone else get a job or second job instead of you? Does everyone still think you should fix it? Why do you have to fix it? I bet this is what your therapist says to you.

I know what you mean about the money. I'm really frugal. I sock my money away. I'm good now. Child support will end in a year and a half and that will be a major change for me. College will start. You'll see me worrying and working more then. A roommate might be in my future, if that's what it takes. I'll do what I have to.

Yeah for Thursday and sisters. And memories of your mom.