This is the best time of my whole week, early morning on Saturday, nothing pressing, the world is still quiet...ahhh. I love it.
I can't say this has been the worst week ever, but it surely hasn't been the greatest of my life. I am on an emotional roller coaster but trying so hard to control and contain it. My kids will be the death of me...and it honestly isn't their fault, it's completely mine, I just can't handle the issues of real life that have befallen my family, well ---for the past years. I try so hard to look for the good and when I do, I always find it. However, those moments seem to blend into so many more difficult moments. I am a glass half full girl, but sometimes it really is hard to be. I see my therapist on Tuesday, and this week, I am looking forward to it. Most of the time, it seems a wasted hour to me, but there are times when she can show me the best way. I seriously always know what way that is, for some reason the older I get, the more I need another to tell me I am thinking right, what is up with that?
I am going to look for a part-time job this afternoon. I know that Saturday probably isn't the optimum day for such activity, but for the type of thing I'm looking for, it probably is as good as any other day. I am not sure that I can manage one, but I think I need to try. Money is such an issue and whining certainly won't help. I have had to help my kids once again, even though I swore I would not. Sometimes, there just isn't any other way. I have just enough to get by but I hate living that way. This is the first time in my recent life---the past 15 years or so---that I have had to live within my means, and I am not finding that so easy to do. Which would explain how I got into the financial mess I have been in the past year, yes..that fact does not escape me. I am too quick to give away what I do have, never thinking beyond what the person in front of me at that time needs. I believe that money is such a bad thing...it seriously is the root of evil, in so many ways. For me, if I have it, it means nothing. When I don't --- well, it becomes the most important thing in the world. When I think of my age and the financial mess I'm in, I nearly hyper-ventilate. I have no one but me to blame, and that makes it worse. I have worked too damned hard to be in this mess but can kick no one's ass but mine. Being in this position sucks, friends. So, I sincerely hope to be able to physically work another job, so that I can at least provide a bit of padding for that rainy day that always comes.
BOTH of my sisters are coming to visit next Thursday evening, and staying until Sunday. I cannot tell you how excited I am. It is a no-boys, no-kids, no-anyone weekend, that will mark the first anniversary of our moms death. That date is the 27th, and they will be here and gone by then, but I believe their visit will surely help. She has been on my mind alot these past weeks, and I cannot believe it has been a year since I've seen her. I miss her every day, and still find myself thinking that I need to call and tell her this or that. Sadness seems to permeate every part of my life, and of those I love right now. These times are just HARD.
Enough of that. This is a happy day, it's Saturday for heavens sake. I think I will go to church tonight. Happy Weekend!