Thursday, September 10, 2009

The list

We sat in her little office, a comfortable place, with a nice sofa, pillows, the standard box of kleenex and a bowl of hard candy on the center table. She looks at me, that "look" on her face alot today. I am so exhausted today..I cannot really find anything to talk about, anything that will reveal any more about my life, about my psyche -- just general drivel, generalities, stupid conversation that is pretended to be among friends, that is of course, if you don't count the fact that she is being paid to listen to me. Prior to this day, before my mind and body was gripped with tiredness, before my lips and brain were frozen from exhaustion so deep, I had been excited to go to this appointment. After all, in the past two weeks since I had seen her, several positive things had taken place in my life, I had made decisions, I had acted on them, I was getting my proverbial shit together. But now, at this moment made low by fatigue, I told her of my accomplishments with little emotion, with none of the excitement that I had felt before this day. She asked a few questions with that thoughtful look on her face, and I tried to explain that I was happy with all of my decisions, just too worn-through to act as though I am. Then she dropped the bombshell question---the one that has been stuck in my head since that day, two days ago.

"Where do you see yourself in two years? What will your life be like, what will you be doing, how will you spend your free time, what are your goals? On your next "visit", I would like to see a list, okay?"

I told her then and will tell her on our next "visit" that I am afraid to make that list. I am afraid that what I am telling myself is not what really is. I am afraid that while I say that this marriage of mine is on hiatus, that really, truly, it's already over in my heart. I want so badly to live that sitcom life, you know ---the husband living (nearly) next door, laughter, dates, sort of a new relationship built into the familiar. That is what I want to want. I am not sure if that is really what I am after. I find myself thinking of brand new---brand new faces, brand new places, brand new experiences. I can have that if I want. But hurting so many is so hard for me now. Hurting everyone with my selfishness is not what I am made of. I was forced to hurt those that matter the most to me many years ago, a decision I did not agree with nor support, but at that time, my choices were taken away from me by the other party. This time, this is all ME. I am doing the hurting. And even though those that matter more to me than even I do are all grown up now, I just am not sure that I can do it. I say that I am going to get what I want, that I am going to think only of me now, that it honestly is my turn. But the reality is that I am still letting others influence what I do, not because they are telling me that's how it needs to be, but because I know that's what I need to do. I am afraid to make that list because in my head, my only choices are continuing on the same path with two different addresses, or living like a hermit, with only my kitties and mental exhaustion to keep me company in the evenings after I return from my little job.

She shakes her head and reminds me that selfish is not in my vocabulary anymore. Self-care is now the new word, and something that I have never, ever taken any sort of responsibility for.

I can see that she is a bit frustrated albeit professional. I can see that she is wondering if all the work that we have been doing in these past months has been for nothing.

No. Yes. I don't know. You see, I am just tired today.


SOUL: said...

you know everything will fall into place just as it is supposed to--- when it is supposed to.

and nope--- you aren't being selfish.. your kids are grown, mark is grown, and you are a big girl now. you have every right to do as you please. do what you want-- don't do what you don't want.

all you gotta fix anymore is you. and you aint broke baby!
toss some pavement on that rocky road and get on with it-- you are gonna be just fine. i know it-
i haven't been wrong very much about these things-- you know that. so just roll with it---
you're doin great... one foot in front of the other. k?

hope you have a great day--- wear your sandals-- go out to lunch :))


Smocha said...

Ditto what she said :)

"Self care" is a good one. One that most of us really suck at.We (women)don't even know where to begin with that alien concept!We ain't getting any younger though ,so it's now or never.
Your life can be whatever you want:)

On a lighter note, I had a therapist after my last husband died.
She was a woman (old I thought at the time) about 45.
Well she had hairy armpits.I'm talking beastly, manly armpits!She dressed kind of hippy chic (flowy skirts, sleeveless shirts), and she would sit there in her chair with her arms spread over the back ,with those hairy pits just glaring at me.

"So, how are you feeling today? How's your life going?"

Whatever the question, all I could think about was those hairy armpits!

Needless to say, therapy didn't work for me. I couldn't take those armpits for more than 3 weeks.

Ok, now that I've posted in your box :) Happy Thursday!


kisses and hugs...

You'll still have us as your friends---


Anonymous said...

I kinda have to ditto what everyone else is saying. I lied when I said I would comment more..I do come by and lurk...but havent commented. Bad me I know.
I have followed in your footsteps and will be back on blogland..for awhile anyways..
Stop on by when you can.

MA Fat Woman said...

It's okay to make a list...just make it on a piece of paper. When you tire of it just rip it up and start over again.

Golden To Silver Val said...

why is it that we blame ourselves for everything. why is it that if our kids screw up, we blame our parenting skills even though they are adults now. why is it that if we try to think of ourselves and do something that is just (gasp) for the benefit of only US, we immediately tag ourselves as selfish and shallow. I'm there with you...most of us women are. When God made up the recipe for women, he put in a bit more of 'take care of others before you' powder in than he should have. Even though you have mixed emotions about your personal life right now, I think that you really need this time least for a while. You need to regroup and recharge your batteries. You need to be able to go home and just DO NOTHING at all if that's what you want to do and then not feel guilty about it....and that's the hard part. Oh those dratted guilty feelings! Let me know if you ever figure out a way to get rid of them, will ya? I've been kicking guilt around for years. Big hugs and much love, dear friend. Hang in are one helluva woman hike up those bra straps and do what you gotta do! Kick guilt's ass out your balcony door. xo

Maria said...

You know, she probably took your state of mind in consideration.

One of the things that you learn first is that you can't really progress unless your client is well fed, well slept and reasonably unstressed. Until you reach that point, you sort of have to tread water with them and help them achieve those things first.

It's important to get to know yourself. I know that probably sounds inane to you, you may feel as if you already know yourself too well. But, time is important here and so is being alone with yourself. Hang in there. One foot in front of the other for now.

Cheryl said...

Lots of food for thought here. I applaud you for sharing this with us, your friends. I think you should make that list. And tear it up, over and over if you have to. Call them first drafts. I should be doing the same thing. I'm living in a big house with a daughter that will go to college in 2 years, and the financial support will stop. Where do I see MY life in 2 years? I'm afraid to think of that too.

Leann said...

I am in the same place. I started counseling again and have to make a list about me. No one ever asks me about me. It's been a difficult homework assignment.