The list

We sat in her little office, a comfortable place, with a nice sofa, pillows, the standard box of kleenex and a bowl of hard candy on the center table. She looks at me, that "look" on her face alot today. I am so exhausted today..I cannot really find anything to talk about, anything that will reveal any more about my life, about my psyche -- just general drivel, generalities, stupid conversation that is pretended to be among friends, that is of course, if you don't count the fact that she is being paid to listen to me. Prior to this day, before my mind and body was gripped with tiredness, before my lips and brain were frozen from exhaustion so deep, I had been excited to go to this appointment. After all, in the past two weeks since I had seen her, several positive things had taken place in my life, I had made decisions, I had acted on them, I was getting my proverbial shit together. But now, at this moment made low by fatigue, I told her of my accomplishments with little emotion, with none of the excitement that I had felt before this day. She asked a few questions with that thoughtful look on her face, and I tried to explain that I was happy with all of my decisions, just too worn-through to act as though I am. Then she dropped the bombshell question---the one that has been stuck in my head since that day, two days ago.

"Where do you see yourself in two years? What will your life be like, what will you be doing, how will you spend your free time, what are your goals? On your next "visit", I would like to see a list, okay?"

I told her then and will tell her on our next "visit" that I am afraid to make that list. I am afraid that what I am telling myself is not what really is. I am afraid that while I say that this marriage of mine is on hiatus, that really, truly, it's already over in my heart. I want so badly to live that sitcom life, you know ---the husband living (nearly) next door, laughter, dates, sort of a new relationship built into the familiar. That is what I want to want. I am not sure if that is really what I am after. I find myself thinking of brand new---brand new faces, brand new places, brand new experiences. I can have that if I want. But hurting so many is so hard for me now. Hurting everyone with my selfishness is not what I am made of. I was forced to hurt those that matter the most to me many years ago, a decision I did not agree with nor support, but at that time, my choices were taken away from me by the other party. This time, this is all ME. I am doing the hurting. And even though those that matter more to me than even I do are all grown up now, I just am not sure that I can do it. I say that I am going to get what I want, that I am going to think only of me now, that it honestly is my turn. But the reality is that I am still letting others influence what I do, not because they are telling me that's how it needs to be, but because I know that's what I need to do. I am afraid to make that list because in my head, my only choices are continuing on the same path with two different addresses, or living like a hermit, with only my kitties and mental exhaustion to keep me company in the evenings after I return from my little job.

She shakes her head and reminds me that selfish is not in my vocabulary anymore. Self-care is now the new word, and something that I have never, ever taken any sort of responsibility for.

I can see that she is a bit frustrated albeit professional. I can see that she is wondering if all the work that we have been doing in these past months has been for nothing.

No. Yes. I don't know. You see, I am just tired today.