Saturday, April 04, 2009

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y

I am happy this morning. Seriously. It's Saturday, and I don't have anything to hurry and do. Nothing. Oh....there are many things I could do, but only if I choose to right now. They will have to get done, but they don't have to get done today, and that makes me happy. It has been a very, very long time since I could say that.

What I will end up doing today is visiting my sister in the hospital and cleaning my apartment, doing laundry...Sadly, these really are things that I enjoy. I am not much of an excitement gal lately, I suppose because I feel so bad physically, most of the time. Last evening, by the time I got home from work and then the grocery store, I was so physically and mentally drained, I just cried. The pain was unbearable, my mind was a disaster but it was Friday night and I was going to enjoy it, dammit. Right....I think I was asleep before seven. Seriously. In fact, I had picked up the new medication from the pharmacy and didn't even take it, I didn't wake up. So...tonight I will get started on it. One side effect is (supposedly) sleepiness. Just what I need, apparently.

I got the month of March put to bed yesterday at work. I got the bonuses paid...I worked my little tail end completely off. I am still buried. I have never worked so hard so quickly in my life as I do at this job. There is never a moment that I don't have something pressing to do, but I must say...I like it like that. The time flies by, my hours are actually forty a week, I have not been able to say that in say, EVER? No, I do not make the money that I used to, but I am just not up to or able to work the sixty plus hour weeks that I have put in for years and years. Money isn't everything...well most of the time it isn't. It is only important when you don't have any. If I am careful, I can do just fine with what I make, and not rely on anyone else. Well, if I don't pay any of my kids bills, or fix their cars, or buy their things..and those days are over. They have to be, I cannot do it any longer. This makes me feel very bad, but it is seriously time that they do it on their own now. Past time, actually. Too bad that I have only come to this conclusion now, when I am out of options. Perhaps if I lived by this rule a few years ago, I wouldn't be in the complicated financial mess I am in now. Live and learn, I suppose. I have never meant to do any harm but I know that I have. To them, to myself, but only because I love too much and want to take care of everything. I have got to begin to figure out how I can live in my old age, if I make it that long. When I think of my future, it scares me. Once upon a time, I honestly thought that there would be two of us contributing to our futures...But now I see that it will be up to me. And while things have happened to destroy those plans, and some of them have been my own doing, most of it has not. There have been bad decisions made and I am tired of feeling guilty for them. I did not make those decisions and I did not cause those decisions. I have been guilty of letting it go on for too long...but a wife is not the financial gestapo. I thought the other party knew what they were doing, I thought that anyone that wanted success and worked for it, would have it. I still believe that, so I cannot explain what has gone wrong here. I just know that it leaves me---us---without many options and the "us" part is over. Now it's just me. I have always been able to take care of myself and have never leaned on anyone, even then --to carry me. My biggest worry is that my health allow me to continue. There just is no choice in this matter.

So...I'm off to do the laundry. Wooo hooo --- but you know what? It's wonderful that I can do it, at this hour, with no worries about waking anyone. Happy Saturday to you all. :)

11 comments:

Smocha said...

I hope the new meds help you .I'm sorry that you are in pain again. Gah!

Your hubby is the perfect age for the good old "midlife crisis" you never know how things will turn out . lol

Nothing surprises me anymore in this world. One day at a time is all we can do and ya' just never know what's around the next bend.

Happy laundry day!

((( hugs)))

josie2shoes said...

Dear Jamie, I remember all those Saturday posts with you working 'til exhausted, then spending Sunday recovering on the sofa. It's high time you got to enjoy real weekends off! I know you are feelin' like hell right now, both physically and mentally. Everything is in spin cycle in your world, but I promise you it will all work out eventually, you know that too. The trick is to just take it day by day. No need to worry much about the future, we can't see any of what that's going to hold anyway. I had to cash in my retirement funds a few years back to keep my ex and I afloat and it scares me too, to think that I have nothing for my old age, but heck, I'll get by somehow. Don't be so sure you'll end up all on your own, I can see someone coming along who realizes just how amazing you are! And yes, it is time for your kids to learn cause and effect and standing on their own two feet. Letting our baby birds fall out of the nest now and then is the hardest thing for parents to do, but it's the only way, 'cuz we won't always be around to rescue them. We want them to be able to make it on their own. You do have some wonderful things to look forward to - like a grandbaby to spoil in the not too distant future - I am sooo jealous!! :-) Know that I am praying for you every day, and these sucky times too will pass.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Yep kiddo....you and I are so much alike. I have helped my kids so much that now I'm suffering. It has to come to an end...I know this. My savings are wiped out except for $2500 I have hidden away in case I need a new roof. But one good bit of news is that since you've worked so many hours in the past and had healthy paychecks, your Social Security should also be a healthy amount and that will help you SO VERY MUCH. If you can get yourself into another retirement plan, I think in 10 years it will pay. I'm glad that my retirement is through the State and I never took anything out of it early. As it is, I'm bearly making it...but I'm making it (as long as I don't help the kids too much). My part time job is specifically just for helping my daughter. OH NEWSFLASH...she found an attorney for her SS and her case is coming up in June. I'm almost afraid to be excited about it. Its been almost 2 years of no income for her. Offer some prayers for her. Thanks. Big hugs and enjoy your day.

Brad said...

I think the issue of doing too much for the kids might go all the way back to cavemen days. I'm sure Mr. & Mrs. Ugg had the same problem. It's in your DNA.

Other cultures may just be on to something with the big communal houses where all generations live. Wouldn't that be nice to always have as a back up option?

Tell the kids to get cracking. That house ain't gonna buy itself.

SOUL: said...

O-->--<

i'm lookin for ya-- but will be gone in a bit.

you sound good today-- and that sounds good to me.

luv ya
ox

Kathy said...

At some point our kids have to start paying their own ways. It's good for them and good for us, too. Don't feel badly about it. It's important for them.

Raine said...

We spend at least the first 18 years of their lives trying to give them everything they need. Its a hard habit to break. If we are lucky eventually that turns around some and they are offering to help us , wether we choose to accept it or not. For myself disability put an end to it mostly but there are still times I have helped out. I manage to live ok on my disability...... There are not extras of course, but I have what I truly need and I am comfortable. I find I really dont need all that much.......

Just Be Real said...

Very positive happy post from you today. So very glad. I am sure even doing your laundry was a delight! Blessings!

Cheryl said...

Saturday is past, how did you do? I'm trying to remember is you have a bookstore in your urban living area. Is the weather nice? Is there an outside place you can hang out?

I'll just say ditto to all your wonderful comments above. You have great and caring friends here, and we all want the best for you. Here's hoping for a less painful Sunday :)

M Chickk said...

I hope your new meds work for you! I know how you feel about being there financially for the kids. We are in the same boat and I feel bad. Especially when I couldn't even give my son a birthday present last month other than a home cooked meal. He kept saying it was enough but that made it even worse for me. UGH!! You're a strong lady! I hope it all works out the way you want it to. Hang in there!

desert dirt diva said...

jamie are you getting divorced, i'm sorry if i am to blunt...and if you are i am so very sorry.....big hugs to you, and yes sometimes its time to let our babies support themselves....we are trying to buy a house, and its hard because when i walk into a place i always think, will wendi and her son be able to live here, is there enough room, just in case veagas does not work out and she needs her mama.....so today i decided, i have to think of my present family the kids who still live at home and will for years to come......i cried.. but its ok we all have to let our babies go....