I am happy this morning. Seriously. It's Saturday, and I don't have anything to hurry and do. Nothing. Oh....there are many things I could do, but only if I choose to right now. They will have to get done, but they don't have to get done today, and that makes me happy. It has been a very, very long time since I could say that.
What I will end up doing today is visiting my sister in the hospital and cleaning my apartment, doing laundry...Sadly, these really are things that I enjoy. I am not much of an excitement gal lately, I suppose because I feel so bad physically, most of the time. Last evening, by the time I got home from work and then the grocery store, I was so physically and mentally drained, I just cried. The pain was unbearable, my mind was a disaster but it was Friday night and I was going to enjoy it, dammit. Right....I think I was asleep before seven. Seriously. In fact, I had picked up the new medication from the pharmacy and didn't even take it, I didn't wake up. So...tonight I will get started on it. One side effect is (supposedly) sleepiness. Just what I need, apparently.
I got the month of March put to bed yesterday at work. I got the bonuses paid...I worked my little tail end completely off. I am still buried. I have never worked so hard so quickly in my life as I do at this job. There is never a moment that I don't have something pressing to do, but I must say...I like it like that. The time flies by, my hours are actually forty a week, I have not been able to say that in say, EVER? No, I do not make the money that I used to, but I am just not up to or able to work the sixty plus hour weeks that I have put in for years and years. Money isn't everything...well most of the time it isn't. It is only important when you don't have any. If I am careful, I can do just fine with what I make, and not rely on anyone else. Well, if I don't pay any of my kids bills, or fix their cars, or buy their things..and those days are over. They have to be, I cannot do it any longer. This makes me feel very bad, but it is seriously time that they do it on their own now. Past time, actually. Too bad that I have only come to this conclusion now, when I am out of options. Perhaps if I lived by this rule a few years ago, I wouldn't be in the complicated financial mess I am in now. Live and learn, I suppose. I have never meant to do any harm but I know that I have. To them, to myself, but only because I love too much and want to take care of everything. I have got to begin to figure out how I can live in my old age, if I make it that long. When I think of my future, it scares me. Once upon a time, I honestly thought that there would be two of us contributing to our futures...But now I see that it will be up to me. And while things have happened to destroy those plans, and some of them have been my own doing, most of it has not. There have been bad decisions made and I am tired of feeling guilty for them. I did not make those decisions and I did not cause those decisions. I have been guilty of letting it go on for too long...but a wife is not the financial gestapo. I thought the other party knew what they were doing, I thought that anyone that wanted success and worked for it, would have it. I still believe that, so I cannot explain what has gone wrong here. I just know that it leaves me---us---without many options and the "us" part is over. Now it's just me. I have always been able to take care of myself and have never leaned on anyone, even then --to carry me. My biggest worry is that my health allow me to continue. There just is no choice in this matter.
So...I'm off to do the laundry. Wooo hooo --- but you know what? It's wonderful that I can do it, at this hour, with no worries about waking anyone. Happy Saturday to you all. :)