Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Enough

I am extremely frustrated tonight. It has been a most trying day. I got out of bed this morning, late. Really late. If any of you know me at all, that is not my usual m.o. I am never asleep when the alarm goes off. I was completely out of it, staggering around like I had been on an all night bender, which I hadn't, as I was in bed before nine pm. I managed to get myself in the shower and out the door, just a few minutes late. Once there, the feelings did not get better --- I couldn't remember how to do a silly, stupid 941 payment for heaven's sake, something I have been doing for years. By ten, I was having heart palpitations, I was dizzy and couldn't make the room stop spinning. I knew I had to get out of there before I made a complete ass of myself by falling on my face. I drove home, which was not the smartest thing I have ever done, but I made it in one piece. I have spent the rest of the day sitting on my butt. I am mad, this is stupid and obviously this medication is not for me. I am so sick of this, I am sick of feeling bad, I am sick of trying to "make it" just one more day. Why can't I just feel well enough to live? I don't want a damned crazy-busy life, but I do want to be able to work, and still have some sort of energy when the day is over. I haven't been out of this apartment in weeks, other than going to work. And now, I have missed almost a full days work, and that is not good. Heaven knows what those people think, I have not shared any of this with them, other than trying to explain to the girls in my office today. UGH. Dammit all. UGH. So now I am back to square one, trying to manage without any medications, and the pain and weakness shows no sign of letting up. Seriously, I need a break. Seriously.

Sorry for venting here, but there are few I can complain to. Later.

10 comments:

Golden To Silver Val said...

OMG...I so wish that I could do or say something that would or could make it better for you. We are all at the mercy of doctors. Its a crime that they can't do something for your pain without you losing the ability to function. I take pain meds every day...they only relieve me for about 4 hours but its better than no relief at all. See if your doctor can prescribe something for the pain that will still let you function just until you can get in to see your specialist. I wish I knew the name of a good pain pill. My daughter takes Morphine for her back pain but she has to get that from her pain management doctor. I take Vicodin but it doesn't relieve the pain for long. I'll be sending up some prayers for you, dear friend. Feel better soon. Big hugs. Love, Charlotte

SOUL: said...

that really sucks -- i hope you get news soon on what is wrong and what to do about it.
sorry that happened at work-- really, sorry it happened at all.
hope you feel better now-- and tomorrow isn't a repeat.
ox
ps- miss ya

ambersun said...

I know pretty much how you feel - except mine was a psychiatric illness.

I wasn't able to function at all - lost my job, my boyfriend, my studies, my hobbies, several friends etc. This went on for several years.

Finally I found a doctor who took me seriously and put me on a stronger medication. I still struggle now but not nearly as much.

I'll pray that the same sort of thing happens to you (except that you don't have to wait seven years).

God Bless

Amber

Just Be Real said...

Liza, I am so very sorry that all this is happening to you and you are at a loss to the meds not helping you!! I do hope you will be able to find a doctor who can prescribe the right meds.
Dear one, vent all you want. We are here for you!! ((((safe hugs))))

josie2shoes said...

Yes Jamie, I agree with you wholeheartedly - it really is ENOUGH! Too much already! I've been told and I believe that God answers desperate prayer, so do some screaming at the Almighty. It really is ok to scream and yell at Him sometimes you know! You so need a break from the pain and the stress of it, and the damn medication side-effects. I know there will be a turning point of some kind, but I want it for you NOW! I am hoping and praying that today is at least a little more bearable than yesterday. Sending my biggest cyber HUGS and love your way.

Kathy said...

I wish I could make it all better for you and quickly. Vent all you want!

Romany Angel said...

My heart goes out to you Jamie and the best I can offer is as many gentle hugs as you can stand.

fiwa said...

Love you. Just wanted you to know.

M Chickk said...

Go right ahead and vent! I just wish there was something I could do. :(

Cheryl said...

It's good we have a place where we can vent. What a trip you've been through. Too much. I hope this is a flare that will go away since the meds aren't doing you any good. Thank goodness this week is over. Next week might be better.

Enjoy your day with your family tomorrow. I hope you have help with everything.