Friday, January 30, 2009
Questions
At what point are we allowed to live our lives for ourselves? How old do we have to be before we can say because that's the way I want it, and not be tied down by everyone else's feelings? Is it even possible? Am I selfish? Has everyone on this earth been put here to live for others...for their entire life? Not being able to do this because it will hurt him. Can't do that, it might upset her. With any luck, I have at most about 20ish years left in this life. Will there ever come a time that I can do with it what I want? Can anyone answer this?
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15 comments:
Wow. Loaded question. You are a loving person. You care very much about those around you. You are a giver. You give so much to people around you.
I think you should definitely have time for yourself, but it is up to you to do so. It is also up to you to drive down the path of your own life the way you want.
Being a mother and a wife has certain responsibilities you will never be able to shed, nor do I think you want to. Just let people know where you stand. I think they would respect that. How could they not respect that?
"Has everyone on this earth been put here to live for others...for their entire life? "
I think that unless you have a penis,the answer is YES.
:)
I think I can relate more to this blog post than to any I've ever read. It can be so hard to balance our lives between ourselves and others. I do not know all the possibilities. I do know you are not selfish. Clearly a mom and a wife. And no doubt due for some purely YOU time!
The short answer to your question is--whenever YOU decide that you want to put yourself first, and live for you. Your children are grown, thus your responsibilities for their well being and sanity are OVER. As mothers we all find this hard to accept..but even mama robins push their young out of the nest. Some women find the courage, and yes it takes courage to say enough--the rest of my life is for me, and some never do. Either path involves some sacrifice, but the amazing thing is, once we put ourselves first, and start living for us, our children actually become capable of living for themselves. I was amazed that the world did not end, and my brattling survived. In his words...when you started living for you Mom, I felt a load of guilt leave, because then I didnt have to live for you either. My two cents worth.
The short answer to your question is--whenever YOU decide that you want to put yourself first, and live for you. Your children are grown, thus your responsibilities for their well being and sanity are OVER. As mothers we all find this hard to accept..but even mama robins push their young out of the nest. Some women find the courage, and yes it takes courage to say enough--the rest of my life is for me, and some never do. Either path involves some sacrifice, but the amazing thing is, once we put ourselves first, and start living for us, our children actually become capable of living for themselves. I was amazed that the world did not end, and my brattling survived. In his words...when you started living for you Mom, I felt a load of guilt leave, because then I didnt have to live for you either. My two cents worth.
Now Honey, your time is NOW!
The kids are grown. As grown as their gonna get. The rest can go and hang. All you really have to worry about is you and Mark. I know selfishness is going against your nature, but only you can stand up for yourself and say what you want. Will people get pissed off? Probably. Will they still love you? Yes.
Your right, the clock is ticking. Don't let internalized guilt hold you back. It's not selfish to live your life to the fullest.
In my opinion - and what worked for me: You can live your life for yourself at any point. It's like most things worth having - it's hard to do.
As I should have been, I was the rock for my children when they were small and continued to "serve" until they were both in their 20's. I began to notice that they looked to me to provide for their needs. I happen to be of the firm opinion that we, as parents, don't achieve success until our children are independent adults. I might add that tough love is more difficult for me to administer than it was for them to bear. The results have been worth the effort for both the two boys and for me.
My first husband (the boy's father) was not user friendly. As a matter of fact, he was very difficult. He expected a servant and I complied to avoid backlash. Several months after he was no longer "in charge" I was invited to a New Year's party being given by several of my girl friends from high school. I didn't go because I couldn't decide how to get permission. It felt strange to make my own decision.
Because I pushed myself and made "tough love" announcements to everyone around me, I began to live my life at 53. It was a long trip and I could have made it much earlier if I'd only faced facts.
I re-read what I've written and want to add that had I stood up to the first husband I honestly believe he would have been a good husband. In that, I am partly responsible for the way he treated me.
I'm not a demanding person but neither am I a stepping stone. Jamie, you can be, too. I'm commenting in my bottom line manner and posting in the spirit of support and love .
When you find out the answer to this question pleas elet me know.
There are so many things I want to do for me but as a mother, I can't bring myself to do them. They are purely selfish goals and until the girls are grown I can't achieve my dreams. I know and accept that.
Once they are adults themseves I truly hope I can find the courage within me to do what's right for me. It's tough though isn't it? A lifetime of being something to everyone makes it hard to break free. It's almost as if your entire identity is wrapped up in everyone elses.
Sorry for the long comment Jamie but you hit a nerve with this one and you really have me thinking now.
First LOL@Smoocha!
I've thought about this for years. I don't know the answer. But everyone here has some great thoughts on the subject.
My father often asks this question and he's almost 70. That's why I've set a time limit to myself.
I so wish I had some words of wisdom for you....but I just don't when it comes to this topic. All I can contribute is the fact that, no matter what...you can't make everyone happy, so you might just as well do what you want and let the chips fall where they may. LOL
That day starts today...you are old enough to do as you wish...your children are grown and gone, you job is done....just be there when they hurt or need thee mama, but do as you won't for yourself...sometimes they hate it, but you'll go nuts if you don't!
I go on my yearly trip to arkanas and my kids, husband hates it..right before i leave they all try to guilt trip me.....and they do for a second! i do have the best time...and they relize"maybe mom needed that"
hope things work out... then of course what smocha said!
Listen to Brad. Your time is now. Don't wait too long. If you do, you may never do it. My .02. Worth what you're paying. Hugs! ac
well. guess i'm a day late and 500 dollars short on this one.
so i won't even try to give you my "deep thoughts" for the day.
of course, it's not like we haven't had this conversation before--right?
so--yep-- just hang on k.
anyhoo--
where are you??
ox
Everyone seems to be of the same mind in their comments. I'm with them. Your time is now. Your kids are grown. Find what makes you happy and do it.
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