Sunday, November 02, 2008

A hole in my ozone

I am not much in the mood for talking so maybe I can let off a little steam here. I apologize in advance as I know this will end up rambling on, as many of my feelings make little sense, even to me.

I am feeling somewhat better this morning, I have been up about half an hour and have only cried one time. That's an improvement. It was when I read the online guestbook from the funeral home that took care of my mom's arrangements. SO many people that I haven't thought of or even heard about for years have either sent flowers or cards, or signed an online guestbook there. It is amazing to me how many people my mother touched in her life. It really does help to know that others are thinking of you, reaching out to try and help us all feel better. I will remember that when it comes to others, this is all something new to me. Everyone wants to DO something and I have felt that way so many times over the years when the pain of losing someone is so great for someone that I care about...but now I know that just a short note or a memory makes a huge difference. All of my comments here have been a wonderful help to me, I just cannot tell you. It does help. And you all are the greatest friends in the world. I honestly thank you for that.

Yesterday, I nearly killed myself cleaning. Making things smell good and look better has always been cathartic for me. Today, I am a little worried that I have done some further damage to my back, I can hardly stand up straight, the pain is too great. But it helped me yesterday.

My mom's "celebration of life" service was Thursday evening, and it was very beautiful. Heartbreaking, in fact. There were constant photo shows running on two flat screen tv's and watching that was one of the hardest things I have ever done. They were wonderful family pics, taken at way happier times, over many years - pictures of her with all the grandkids, and her with her dogs, and her with us, and her husband, and her family, and there she was...always laughing. Sadly, we hadn't seen her laugh in a long, long time. Her pain and suffering had been going on way too long...and that alone is proof that she needed to go on to the next life, but damn, I never knew it would hurt this much. I couldn't believe the number of people that came. She was loved, alot. It was a surprise to me, not because I didn't think people loved her, but my mom was a lot like me, or should I say I am like her?, but she said what she thought, often when she thought it--appropriate or not---and didn't "socialize" unless she damned well felt like it. In her later years, there was little of that. But no one forgot her. And that made me happy in a really sad kind of way. We did exactly as she wished and had her body donated to the University of Iowa Medical School, even though I was and still am not completely sold on that idea. I read what they do with those bodies, and I commend her on wanting to help in that way, but it is hard for the family. So she was not "there" at her service -- she had strict rules that NO ONE was to view her after her death, other than immediate family, and in one way, I am sorry I did that--when there is to be no funeral, they don't try to make the deceased look "nice" if you all know what I mean. I want to remember her as she was alive and happy, and the last time I looked at her was nothing like that. My sister Trav also was there to see her, and she feels completely different about it, it helped her a great deal to see what she felt was peace in my mom's face. I guess we are all different, even with something like this.

So, I will be fine. I mean, I am functioning, I can laugh and smile and talk and carry on with all things normal. But there is this hole in my heart, or my soul, or something. I feel empty right now, empty and sad. I know where she is---believe me, I know my mom is sitting with God right now, she was a christian and loved Jesus with all her heart. And of course, that makes me happy. But here, back in this life, on this earth, there is a hole in my ozone...and I suspect it will never be all the way closed again.

12 comments:

Smocha said...

Steep some teabags and then lay around with the wet( cooled) teabags on your eyes. It does wonders for the cried out eyes. :) seriously!

You're right , the hole will always be there in your ozone.Your good memories of her will make it an ugly little patch though.

Lots of hugs to ya' :)

Lena

SOUL: said...

i don't think your mom cared much how she looked... on the outside. even "gone" her hopes were for the good of others.
and you know? with her girls all having medical/back/pain issues-- what she requested with her "earthly" body was and will remain very noble. don't you think so? i really feel that she had her girls in mind all the way through.
she will never leave you.
what she gave to "science", she gave to you.
she will never be forgotten, and she will always be your mom.

love and hugs from your bestest in texas!
ox

Brad said...

I hope I can make this make sense.

Some one left a hole in my heart too. A long time ago. The hole is always there and that's ok. I like that hole, it's where I carry him.

Beth said...

wow....our moms sound like sisters! ;) We donated my mom's body too....that's what she wanted. and she didn't want anyone walking by, looking at her dead body.

We can get through this together girlfriend....and you are so right...just a card or a memory from someone helps. it hurts like hell but it helps too.

xoxoxox

Golden To Silver Val said...

Don't think of it as a hole sweetie...think of it as a private little cozy room where you've put all your wonderful memories. They will always be safe there and always ready for you to view them when you want. When I want to, I go there and I can honestly close my eyes and "smell" my mom's unique fragrance. I can hear her infectious laughter and still feel her hugs. Jamie, we are so much alike, I know you know what I'm talking about.
Much love to you ~ Charlotte

Kelly Jene said...

After I lost a loved one and after losing a pregnancy, I realized, normal would never be normal again. You have to find a new normal. You have to find a new way to survive with the hole in the ozone. One day you'll realize it's scabbed over and the hurt only goes so deep. Then one day you'll realize it's just a scar and though it may be tender when you push on it, the pain won't go all the way to your core.

Love and hugs.

forsythia said...

I am sorry to learn that your mother died. I haven't visited your blog for awhile, but I knew that she had been ill. She is home at last.

jyankee said...

These things will take time... and the hole will never go away, but we get better at dealing with that hole as time goes on.

desert dirt diva said...

JAMIE EVERYONE HAS SAID EVERYTHING AND I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY..JUST HUGS...

M Chickk said...

me too.

Mo said...

(((HUGS)))

Amanda said...

((((((((((Jamie)))))))))))))

A good-bye with a loved one is always painful, no matter how necessary or expected it may be.