Yesterday was quite a day - emotional - oh so sad- but still good in a way. I have been afraid of issues, either between us girls or between us girls and Richard, over some of the things that we wanted to keep that belonged to our Mom. But I have to say, there wasn't one single moment when things felt ugly or even like they could get that way. Mom had been pretty specific over the years about what she wanted to go to who, and that was pretty much the way it ended up. I have always heard about the family debacles that arise upon the death of a parent...even in my own extended family, and I'm pretty sure that happens in many families, someone makes an ass of themselves and cause a scene over things...and I have never understood it. Until now, that is. Now that my mom is gone, I do get it...the things that she loved or used or were important to her is all that is left of what my mother was as a person. I know that each of us has a heart full of her, but her worldly things suddenly take on a new meaning and I found myself feeling that those inanimate objects were her. So, I DO understand now how families are torn apart over what seems so petty to outsiders. I also know that money causes many of these family fights, and in that department, there is nothing to fight over. But each of us girls got everything that was important to us - Richard was so very gracious about whatever it was that we wanted. I was unsure how that would be taken by him, but he was so wonderful to us and we are all aware that he did not have to be. There were some extremely difficult moments...the hardest part for me were her clothes. I cleaned out all of her closets and bureau drawers and cried alot. Since I was old enough to work, I have bought so many things for my mom, she was so much fun to buy for--she was tiny and beautiful and so very fashion conscious...way MORE than I ever was. So as I filled up the boxes for Goodwill, so many things that I had given her and that she loved brought big, giant tears...it was at times, truly gut wrenching. Over the past couple of years she had lost even more weight and when she died she was in a size extra small or a girls size 14...and her clothes looked like doll clothes. I have spent many hours trying to find her things that fit...and there they all were...and it broke my heart. For her 70th birthday-just three years ago-she wanted those damned death trap shoes, Carrie Bradshaw's she called them, the pointy toe out to there-four inch spike heel pumps, in black. AND SHE WORE THEM. With her little, tiny, faded blue jeans and her black leather belt...and she was adorable. And there those shoes were, I had searched all over to find them in that ridiculous size...she had a quad A narrow foot...Nine West actually made them. Those shoes made me realize how special she was, how funny she was...and just how much I am going to miss my mother. She was like no other and that seriously is the truth. But, I survived. The ordeal of cleaning out her personal belongings is behind us. It hurt more than I can convey, but it helped in some strange way, too. I am just beginning to understand that my life will never be the same. It will be okay, but never the same. She has left a void that cannot be filled up with anything or anyone else and that is okay. I will make it my tribute to her---because seriously, how much more important can any person be than to leave a hole in someones heart?
Today, my sisters will still be with me, until this evening, anyway. I am going to cook dinner for them before they leave. It is mom's dinner actually---I really can cook almost as well as mom could and this will be all hers...just the way she always made it. It will be just the right ending to these rough couple of weeks. I hope you all have a great Sunday. :)