Saturday, July 19, 2008

Big old LAZY me...

My free time is going fast. Reality is threatening, closing me. While I am looking forward to getting back to the daily grind, I think I may have gotten lazy in these past few months...and if I never worked another day, that would be okay with me. Seriously, I have never felt this way. I have never wanted time on my hands...I have always loved the challenge of a new day on the job. While I have spent these months unemployed, I have not spent them doing nothing, and speaking on a general level, working will be easier. Working provides a set area of definition, and usual path, a general rule. Not working provides complete openness--and it's easy to find yourself bouncing from this thing to that, and accomplishing nothing. Frankly, it's easier and certainly more organized to hold a job. I have never been so busy accomplishing nothing in all my life. And for the lack of parameters, I AM looking forward to getting back to it.

Yesterday was an awesome day. My old buddy, previous boss and best male friend on the planet came to visit, along with his long time girlfriend, Melissa and their daughter, Catelynn. We took care of some business that needed taking care of, and then we went to lunch -- Janelle came along. Afterwards we came back here and hung out all afternoon, and I have to admit, I have missed him. It was a great day. I was sad when he left, as he is moving all the way to Florida in just about three weeks. I don't see him often now, although I talk with him a great deal...but soon, I will not see him, not unless I want to journey to the southern coast. Change is so damned hard. I cannot tell you how much I love this man, idiosyncrasies and all, and believe me---he has many. But I have "taken care" of him for years, and in his own way, he has done the same for me. There isn't one of my kids that he hasn't helped out in one way or another...many, many times. He has held me when I have cried, not understanding why or what or knowing what to do, but patted my back awkwardly nonetheless...always telling me it will be okay. I have seen him cry, I have seen him rage, I have watched him grow older. I believe I have helped him learn many things, things that he somehow missed out on the first time around, but has managed this go around in his personal life. I have helped and loved his daughters...and I still do. I have found myself in the middle of the damnedest family messes--his--with all of them looking toward me to help them. And for some reason, that position has never felt strange. We have laughed, Oh-my-goodness- how we have laughed. We have always found the strangest things to be hysterically funny, things no one else understood. I have worked myself to death for him, never because he demanded it, but always because it felt like the right thing to do. I have never loved a man the way I love him...and no, once again, it's not like that. He is honestly the best friend I have ever had, the kind of friendship that grows from many, many years. I know him so well, can usually predict his next sentence or plan of action...right down to the details. And no, things aren't really changing much, I am still taking care of his personal finances as well as all of his business matters, but the loss I feel due to his move is huge this morning. Sometimes moving forward really, really hurts.

I am still feeling like ass, my energy level is so low. I am worn out, and I don't even know why. Mark has been gone since yesterday morning early, to Kansas City for training for his job. Part of the reason I am in such sad shape is that I have been left to deal with CrazyDog, and that is a big job. We must have walked more than a half a dozen times yesterday, and I'm going to have to take her out again in a bit. She is having issues, worse than usual, and is never happy when her dad is gone. He will be home around six tonight, and it won't be soon enough for me, for many reasons.

Today, I have several things I have got to accomplish. Like I said earlier in this post, time is slipping away, and there are many things left for me to do before Monday. So, I will get busy. I plan to make it to all of your blogs today...I have been trying, but my blog reading time is being interrupted by eyes that won't cooperate. If I have missed yours, I do apologize, I will get there. I am missing my friends. :)


SOUL: said...

haha i'm first!

so rare these days--
i already said it half a dozen times-- but once again-- i am happy that you had such a good day yesterday-- even tho your crazy dog threw a wrench or two into it.

laughter is good for the soul ya know-- the bible even says so!

anyhow-- i soooo get it when ya say working is so much better than not. maybe it's just the structure? the having something to focus on? maybe even the kudos-- the sense of accomplishment-- or actually watching things get done--and having something , and people, to look forward to ever day-- rather that the same old crap-- the same four walls, the same mess to clean, or feel bad for NOT, ya know.
when ya don't have a job-- it really does seem that NOTHING ever freakin changes. and it really does eat at your energy-- amd eventually gets old, and depressing.

and when you hear "i wish i didn't "have" to work"
oh maaan.. it makes "me" wanna hit someone. not sure about you-- but it does change a person-- and over time becomes a house arrest of sorts.

but anyhow--
you aren't LAZY-- just a victim of circumstance-- i promise -- ALOT is gonna change get ya get back to workin, and have a routine, and "identity"-- ya know.

just get yourself taken care of-- deal with the pain-- and eyes-- anyway you can--the best you can-- and your life will be good again. or better. or whatever it is you need it to be.

(pinky swear :)) )

love ya pal

Mary said...

I do so understand your having a man as your best friend. Some people think men and women can't be friends without letting sex become involved. They are so wrong! Two of the best friends I will ever have are male. One has been a constant friend since high school. I treasure their friendship and I'm sure they feel the same.

I don't know how I ever had time to work. My life is so busy hopping around and doing nothing that some days I meet myself coming back. I have actually considered working again when the two grandsons are both in school. Their Mom has fibromyalgia and some other health issues and that's why the boys are with us a lot. She is a wonderful Mom but two births in less than a year just about ruined her health.

Oops, I got off subject. Anyway, I hope you have a really good weekend and that work is good. You'll do well; I know you will.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Yep...I agree. I, too, have male friends. One of them, a few years ago, told me I was his best friend and I wanted to cry. I've known him for over 30years now.
I don't like change either. I have a hard time adjusting to it and its something I have to work on. And working gives me structure...even though its only for 2 or 3 days a week. If I didn't have that, I think I would sit around and read all the time and everything would get behind....and turn into utter chaos. Hope your day is a good one, Jamie. Love, Charlotte

Cheryl said...

What a wonderful tribute to your friend. Would you share with him what you wrote? Friends like that are priceless and rare. You might not see each other in person, and you're sad now thinking about the loss, but you'll always be close in heart.

Hope today continues to be a good one. Hope the doggie can hold it in a little and give you a rest.

Kelly Jene said...

True friends are few and far between, what a gift to have one, whether male or female.

I hope the transition to working goes well!

abbagirl74 said...

One of my best friends was a guy. Then he got a girlfriend, and well, let's just say we don't ever talk anymore. It's sad.

SOUL: said...

wakey wakey jamiee---

(i used to have more guy friends too-- i don't think that would fly too well these days.)

dog is barking -- no time for great words of wisdom-- gotta run

love ya

hope today is a good one for you

ac said...

My best friends have almost always been guys so I totally get this.

At first I typed a whole paragraph but backspaced it all out. It was waay too much information! ha!