And once again, here we are. It's three-thirty in the morning, why are the night demons so much worse that those of the day? At night, all the fear, the sadness, the stress of the past weeks, months...??....come out and really kick you when you're down. By the time we got back home last night, I was more tired than I can ever remember being. It was the kind of tired that goes beyond sleepiness, or even physical exhaustion, it was the kind of tired that you feel in your heart. The day had started weeks and weeks before, or so it felt, and I for one, couldn't wait to get out of that car.
Of course, it did not help that the two hour drive home was a white knuckle ride; the snow was bad, and still is bad, just so you know. H is a wonderful, slow, methodic driver in bad weather, and I knew we would get here, but all the stress of the day was built up in my stomach...and the knot that grew there by the time we made it home had to be the size of a watermelon. The day had gone as good as it possibly could. Emotionally, the day before was the worst part for Janelle. I think by yesterday morning, everything was done by remote for her. She had thought it all to death, at least a million times, and the whole process had begun on Monday, actually. It was too late to change her mind, too late to question whether the right or wrong decision had been made. We had cried and talked and cried some more on Monday night, and then I had given her a prescribed sleeping pill. I think that one little pill made all the difference for her. For about seven hours, she was able to let it all go, sleep the sleep of the undisturbed, no questions, no tears, nothing. And that made a world of difference. Late Monday night, her dad called me and told me he would be there on Tuesday...I had very mixed emotions, not really knowing whether she would want that or not, but of course, I told him that would be very helpful...and then I worried all night whether he would once again, pull a BOB, (that's his name, and thats what I have always said when he did one of his no-show acts, all the kids lives). I knew that would be one more hurt for her, for him to say something then do another. Just like when she was 14, I found myself wanting to protect her from her dad, just in case.
I am nothing if I am not fair, and in this case I have to give the devil his dues. Bob was on time, looking as devastated as I felt, but on time. Somehow, that made the difference in the day. I had called my oldest son early yesterday and asked that he come to the hospital to help keep things smooth there while we all waited. I knew the situation could potentially turn uncomfortable, with dad #1 and dad #2 sitting together, and while that is not a new situation, it has never been an easy one. There was no need to worry. I have to admit that H is quite wonderful, just in case I have never told you all that, and he was more than willing to stay in the background, not because anyone thought that he should, but only because he thought it was right. And seriously, having her dad and brother there, made a world of difference. They were able to keep things light, enjoy a small joke or two, a memory to two, and make good use of a really bad time. For the most part, I left them to it, but at one point, there were a couple of stories told that the kids had never heard, that Bob and I were both involved in the telling. A few laughs, and broken heart or two, it was as good as it could have been. The procedure itself was very short, it went well, she is physically okay. Emotionally, I know that she has an extremely rough road ahead of her, but I do believe that she will be alright. After we left the hospital, she was starving and felt well enough to go out to eat, and the whole group of us did just that. In fact, my little sister was in town for a dr appointment of her own, and she and her husband and my little niece met us. We all laughed alot, including Janelle, and I could see that just the laughter alone did her alot of good. By the time we started home, I knew we were in for a wild ride, as the snow was getting bad. It was getting dark, and that only made it worse. That too, was as good as it could have been, H is very capable, and has always managed to get us where we need to be. I felt like God had been sitting right there with us, all day, from start to finish. Seriously. It was a lousy situation, but if it's possible to have a good day in the middle of that, I think she did. I know her heart is in a cloud of grief and turmoil. I know that there will be many days ahead that she will cry and question and wonder. But I felt like I had been given such a gift yesterday. It seems that lifes littlest miracles come out of no where, and that God can and will take care of us.
I am continually amazed at how my little family will pull together in the time of crisis. My sons are the epitomy of a GUY--you know, young guys. They no more act like they would understand all of this than the man in the moon. They are the typical type, feelings and emotions are not to be seen, hurt is always to be hidden...and yet, the care, concern and love that the both of them have shown to their sister and to me these past couple of weeks have blown me away. The youngest is tied to a very strict work schedule, and is new in his job. But he would have dropped it all and come running had I wanted him to. He has called each and every day, more than once, to check on his sister, to tell me that it will all be alright, just to tell me he loves the both of us. My oldest son, who's schedule right now is pretty open, has been around every day, ready to help her in any way that he can, he has driven here all over the place recently, taken her out here and there, just to keep her mind busy....and while they are not about to act too emotional, they really do get it. I'm proud of the both of them. So, to sum it all up, the day was as good as it could have been. She is going to be a mess, I know, but I believe that she will come out of this okay. I know that this is the sort of life experience that will never let her be the same, but she will be just as good.
And back to regular life today. I am emotionally worn through, it will be rough to pull it together long enough to act like I know what the hell I'm doing at work. Physically, I don't feel the best either. But I am ready to get back to some sort of normal...I am well aware that this will still have very lasting effects for her, and for myself, but a little routine will be good for my day. I will have her with me, just so I can know that she's okay, and being alone right now isn't a good idea, at least not in my mind. The snow is going to cause a problem or two, it looks like there's more than a foot out there, but it's hard to tell in the dark, and it is still snowing hard. Gotta love winter, right? Oh yea.....
I hope that you all have a good day---Wednesday. I want to thank all of you for your prayers, they have kept us going for a while now. Whatever you do today, I hope it involves laughter and peace. Later.