Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Heart writing

There are so many things I would like to say this morning, but I'm not so sure that any of it should be said, for a number of reasons. I know it's hard to understand, but I am not one to tell all. That goes against the grain for many in the blogging world, I mean - obviously us bloggers are talkers and tellers, but honestly, that isn't who I am. I can tell you about most anything that doesn't really matter, and when I choose to tell about what does, it takes a toll on me...the writing and reliving and re-feeling, really takes a toll. And no, I don't mean that I want to tell you all about yesterday, that's not what I'm referring to at all. I want to tell you what's in my heart, what's in my soul, what I can feel all the way through my gut into the ground below me. I am talking about my most private feeling and thoughts. And there is no place for those to be. They don't belong here, this is a place for friends and aquaintences to stop in, say "hey" and move on. This is also a place where a few of my family stops to see how I am...and to tell how I really am would mean that all of their worlds might come crashing in. And seriously, how many readers here want to read that kind of material? I suppose all I can really say is, I'm okay. It'll be alright. I can take it. I can make it. I can watch the heart of my child be torn in two and I can still be okay. I can wipe another tear, and cry one to replace it. I can hold a hand and pat a leg and give a hug that won't let go until next week. I can hold you up, I can help you down, I can keep you all in one piece, single handedly, if necessary. I'm amazing, everyone says so. Do any of you know what that's worth, when your own child's heart and soul are bleeding? Nothing at all. It's worth nothing. And since this post is not what I wanted to write, I must apologize. It sort of came out of left field, too. I'm afraid that sometimes my heart writes when my head takes a break.

10 comments:

JYankee said...

Hiya Jamie,
It's not the time or place now to force yourself to write... if it comes out it does...if it doesn't..I think we can all understand that...take the time you need to piece your family..and most of all..yourself together... ((((hugs)))

Summer said...

There is no greater feeling of pain than that of your child's.

Amanda said...

((((((((Jamie))))))))

I'm so sorry.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

you said it perfectly, my heart aches for you all!

With Thoughts of support,
Elizabeth

Foster Communications said...

Your heart is a beautiful writer. :)

I was blessed. I had an amazing mom. The greatest gift I had when she was here was her support, her love. I wonder if you realize the absolutly positive force you must be for your daughter, how much your hugs and your hand holding can make a difference.

Do remember to take care of you, too.

Josie Two Shoes said...

My thoughts and prayers are wrapped around each of you up there today. What mother could write from "the head" when your heart is so overflowing with the agony of what must be faced today? Your daughter is blessed in that she has a mom that loves her this much. I know you will both get thru this, God won't let you down. But my heart hurts for you, and I care. (((hugs)))

Rebecca said...

This was most certainly not out of left field...and yes, you are an amazing woman. It is worth the world to hug, squeeze, hold up, talk down, all those things. Maybe not this second. But give it some time. Janelle's heart will heal, and remember your strength and gather some more to herself for it. You lend her some of yours, you catch when she falls, hear when she talks. It is what we do for our children. And you are doing it wonderfully.

Mary said...

Yes, Jamie, you are an amazing woman. My thoughts and prayers are with the two of you today. When our children are hurting we feel a pain that is beyond words. Other commenters have said the things I'm feeling for you now - and said it much better than I. My heart aches for both you and Janelle.

Golden To Silver Val said...

I'm thinking of you both and praying for your hearts to heal. My own heart aches for you. Big hugs.

Raine said...

You have nothing to apologizze for. you wrote what you needed to say. I love two year olds. You can fix their whole world, no matter what is wrong in it with a cookie and a cuddle. I love my adult children every bit as much but now I cant fix their worlds any longer....However I do believe that this time would have been worse for her without you. You hold her up? Who holds you up? I hope you have support as well as being the support.