Tuesday, February 05, 2008
There are so many things I would like to say this morning, but I'm not so sure that any of it should be said, for a number of reasons. I know it's hard to understand, but I am not one to tell all. That goes against the grain for many in the blogging world, I mean - obviously us bloggers are talkers and tellers, but honestly, that isn't who I am. I can tell you about most anything that doesn't really matter, and when I choose to tell about what does, it takes a toll on me...the writing and reliving and re-feeling, really takes a toll. And no, I don't mean that I want to tell you all about yesterday, that's not what I'm referring to at all. I want to tell you what's in my heart, what's in my soul, what I can feel all the way through my gut into the ground below me. I am talking about my most private feeling and thoughts. And there is no place for those to be. They don't belong here, this is a place for friends and aquaintences to stop in, say "hey" and move on. This is also a place where a few of my family stops to see how I am...and to tell how I really am would mean that all of their worlds might come crashing in. And seriously, how many readers here want to read that kind of material? I suppose all I can really say is, I'm okay. It'll be alright. I can take it. I can make it. I can watch the heart of my child be torn in two and I can still be okay. I can wipe another tear, and cry one to replace it. I can hold a hand and pat a leg and give a hug that won't let go until next week. I can hold you up, I can help you down, I can keep you all in one piece, single handedly, if necessary. I'm amazing, everyone says so. Do any of you know what that's worth, when your own child's heart and soul are bleeding? Nothing at all. It's worth nothing. And since this post is not what I wanted to write, I must apologize. It sort of came out of left field, too. I'm afraid that sometimes my heart writes when my head takes a break.