Monday, February 11, 2008

It is what it is.

Every morning when I wake up, I think about what I might write here, what I might say that isn't too boring, too whiney, too...something. I try to be positive in my writing, although I feel fairly certain that sentence will make you laugh. When I read the past days and weeks, I struggle to find anything positive. On the other hand, I cannot act as though everything is perfect and fun when most everything is just the opposite. I have to remember WHY I write here, and although I love each of you so much, what I make public for all the world to see isn't for you, it's for me. It's the only way I can cope, the only way that I can make any sense of things. It's important that I write it somewhere, just to let it out. The problem? I find myself censoring what I write now, because I am always afraid that the truth will run you all off. Also, my family reads what I have to say, at my encouragement, so I am ever watchful about what I say, just so I don't hurt feelings or step on toes. And therein lies the problem: Once again, I find myself with little or no outlet for my worries, my fears, my feelings. After considering writing another blog, one that no one can read other than me, I realized that that is bullshit, frankly. I have to say what's on my mind, I have to be me. So, it is what it is. I hope that none of you roll your eyes and run away, that none of you give up on me or my life as I would like to. If that happens, I am sorry. It's been fun...but I have to be real.

This past weekend has been one of the worst in my memory. Every day, I wake up with renewed hope that things will right themselves. I am doing my part, why is the rest of the world not doing theirs? I believe in the general goodness of things, that right makes might, so to speak, and yes, I know that saying is backwards, but it has always been my motto. My deal with God is and always has been that I hold up my end, He takes care of all the rest. I am feeling pretty out in left field with God at the moment, and wondering why and what the hell...

Janelle is not doing well. Perhaps my expectations have been all wrong, perhaps I am too much of a Pollyanna. I have been there for her every step of the way. I have held her and cried with her, I have listened, I have talked. Yesterday was the worst, by far. I didn't know she had that many tears left in her, and I find myself impatient. Don't go off on me about this - okay? I know in my head that this will be a long time in healing. I am aware. I do not have the ability to continue with the bad, personally. After awhile, I come to the place where I am all cried out, and I get on with things. But, I have never lost a baby, I have never had to make the decisions that she had to make less than a week ago. I also was not completely aware of the truth with a few things about all of this, and that's all I have to say about that. I know she is a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders, or at least, I expect her to be. I listened to her crying yesterday, about things that she KNOWS is not right, and I wonder if she really, really believes that, or if she is just being the dramatic daughter that I have always had. But I decided that she feels what she said she does, and that leaves me bewildered. There was no choice involved here, none. There was no hope for that baby. And yet, yesterday, she cried for hours about "what if we were wrong?". She has guilt that I don't completely understand, although let me tell you again, I'm trying. I am a vey pragmatic person, completely the voice of reason. I understand emotions, very, very well. But when I have let emotions run my life, I screwed up every time. Life has taught me to throw them aside and do the best I can do with the information I have. I'm sorry, but for me that applies here, too. And I can see that it does not apply for her. It has never applied for her, or things would not be where they are. I am exhasperated with a capital E, and I don't know how to help her. See, I'm not the mother you all think I am. I am apparently NOT capable of helping her. My life and her's are so different, and what I need here, the skills I need are not in me. Yes, she is going to counseling, although it has not been set up yet, the calls have been made, at my insistence if not hers. I am putting alot of hope in that, otherwise, I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what to do. That is hard for me to say. Everyone believes I ALWAYS know what to do. Surprise! I don't.

My son, the oldest, is losing it as well. Not his fault, I know that. But it scares me to the core of my being. I saw something Saturday night that I have never witnessed before, in anyone. A panic attack. A severe one. I didn't even know he was having trouble, I had never heard those words uttered from his lips, although I knew last week he was getting close to having one, right in my office. He has always dealt with depression, a problem that he comes by honestly, I'm afraid, all of us - my kids, myself, their father, deals with it at one time or another each year. I have spent their adult and nearly adult years trying to make them understand that when you are in trouble with it, you have to have help. OS took medication for a time, several years ago, and then realized that for him, he could control it with exercise and diet, and alot of self determination. He tends to be like me, mind over matter, yada yada yada. He hurt his back a couple of months ago however, pulled a muscle, and has not been able to do everything he needs to physically to keep the big D away. So, in what I know was a huge moment for him, he came to me and told me that he was losing it, couldn't control it, and needed help. Keep in mind this was HUGE for him, because he IS like me and admitting that he needed anything or anyone is just about the worst thing imaginable. I made an appointment for him at the dr right away, and he began taking an anti-depressant. It has not had time to be of any use yet, the medication takes awhile to work. What I witnessed Saturday night, though, while it goes along with the diagnosis of depression, it requires another kind of help. He didn't tell the dr about the panic attacks, I don't think he has ever experienced one of that magnitude before. The fear and helplessness I saw on his face just about destroyed me. I helped him through it the best I could, and it passed in about thirty minutes, but it left me feeling so helpless myself, I wanted to cry. If you all knew him, and knew how hard he tries to control this, you would undrstand my feelings. He is the best kid, he has the biggest heart, he is a good, good man. I'm serious, and I know you all think that I say that because I'm his mom. But the truth is, I would choose him for a friend any day of the week. He has integrity oozing out of him, he understands things, he is honest...all I'm trying to say is that he is really, really undeserving of of the fear I saw in him. He is my bestest buddy, that is a thing he used to tell me when he was little, but seriously, he is. I can talk to him, and he gets me. Or he tries. And once again, in all of this, I am left not knowing what the hell to do. I have no idea what to do. He is going back to the dr today, he knew as well as I that was required. But it worries me, I wan't to cry. Yes, I know that this problem can be controlled, but once again, this is just not right, that he should have to deal with this. And I worry.

I am seeing the neurosurgeon today, and I am scared to death. It is just a follow-up appointment, one that has had to be rescheduled twice, due to the circumstances all around me. I was doing so well, but the past week, I have noticed a few disturbing things that leave me paralyzed with fear. First of all, my neck is killing me. As bad as right after surgery, if not worse. I hear a crunching sound in it sometimes that was not there before, and it pops and carries on alot. That is bad enough. However, I have felt my legs grow weaker rececntly, to the point of shaking. That is not good at all. The original problem with incontinence that I had in the beginning of all of this is coming back - and that is seriously bad news. My eyes have gone back to being as bad as they were before the surgery, although they must be different too, my glasses no longer help. So there it is...the truth. I knew when I had the surgery that it would either work or it wouldn't. I have felt so lucky that it has worked, I am walking, and that is a miracle. But I see a slow progession of the myelopathy returning, and that leaves me scared to even breathe. If nothing has come undone in my neck - and that is a possiblity, although unlikely, then there is nothing that can be done for me, should I be unable to walk, see, or hold my urine again. And I am scared. I cannot go back to where I was a couple of months ago - that is no way to live. I keep telling myself that it is stress, worry, all the things that are going on around me...but I know better. Stress does not make you not feel that you have to pee, it does not take away enough strength to walk. I am still hoping it's temporary, and of course, praying. I was told that my symptoms will come and go for awhile, until my spinal cord decides how much damage it can stand. I know all of that. But my surgery was two months ago today, and the very fact that I was immediately better and now getting worse is not good.

You know what? I could go on here, I could unburden my soul with even more good news. But I am tired of writing, tired of thinking about all of it. I hope I haven't lost any of you, but I would understand. I am drowning in my own life here. I want to scream "help" - but there is no one out there to throw me a rope. I will keep treading water, and doing the best I can. I know of nothing else I can do. I am too tired to care about the spelling mistakes, forgive me. Spellcheck has apparently left us for good. Later.


Summer said...

I'm not sure what I want to say and I'm afraid if I say something it will sound trite. I am glad that you let this all out.

SOUL: said...

most of what i could or would say-- i have already said one on one with you-- which is probably best---

what i will say here-- is i know for a fact that everyone here loves you-- no one will leave you because you are having trouble in your life. as you have surely noticed-- these are the times that you realize just how many true friends you have out here.

it's good to write about these things-- really. you can't hold this in forever-- and we will always be here to listen.

i'm waiting for the dr. report ok"?
you need to stop carrying the world on your back... it's not yours to carry.
take care of YOU first-- you know what happens when you don't.

as for janelle-- you can't carry her either-- you can walk together-- but you can't carry her through this. this is something that she needs to deal with her way-- or not at all-- and you have seen the result of that-- firsthand. and it is not good.

i need to really shut up now.

we love you-- and your family-- our prayers are with you all--

i hope your day-- and your dr.. give you peace today--



I wish the pain could be eased in your life, and there aren't enough words in a book to say how I hope for better things for you!!

Soul is right, everyone here loves you, and won't leave you because of the troubles in your family...that would be WRong! and not real!

Godspeed today, Jaime!


Cheryl said...

I'm with you too and not going away. You can't make me. I'm glad you wrote it all down. I'm glad that your family will see. So much of our lives as mothers is about taking care of our kids. You're letting your kids know that it's not all about them, no matter that you love them with all your heart. Janelle will get counseling and hopefully tools to help her live with what happened. Your son will improve. You must be so proud that he went for the help he knew he needed. And you? Write all you want and can. You have friends here. Is there something that could help with the depression that must come from the many things, especially the pain, that you're dealing with?

I hope the news from the doctor is better than you expect. It will be good to know, one way or another, so you can deal with it instead of living in fear of what it could be.

Have I overstepped my bounds? I hope not! I just care about you.

Gypsy said...

In these situations I have a bad habit of saying the wrong thing so all I will say is this; You would be doing yourself and us a disservice is you were less than honest about what is really going on inside you. If it helps to write it out then you absolutely should. The last thing you need to worry about is losing any of the people who visit you here. Speaking for myself I visit here because I want to know how you're going and I will continue to do that for as long as you allow me to.

We are your friends Jamie and we care about you and love you with all our hearts. If you believe nothing else, then believe that. Gee for someone who wasn't going to say much I certainly managed to say a lot. Friends are there for the good times and the bad. I see the same faces here every day Jamie, trust that they will always be here.

Mary said...

Jamie, I wish I could say or do something to take the worry and hurt away. You certainly have support and love here in blogland.

Yes, Janelle is going through a horrible time. It will take time but it's something she has to do for herself. You are her support - as you should be - but she has to face and make her life what she wants it to be. It's still early in her healing process. She will heal in time.

Your son sounds like a wonderful young man. He's wise to look for help in the right way. With meds and a little time, he'll be back on even keel soon. Hugs from Mom are always part of any fix for our sons.

Like Soul, I'm waiting to hear what the doctor has to say. Stress is probably a good part of the problem and we all know you've had way too much of that ever since your surgery.

I'm sending prayer and love to you. Let the collective love and support from your blog friends help you through this. We all care and we'll be here to listen and support you in this most difficult time.

Portia said...

Some things I understand and some I don't, but you will never lose me because the truth is too painful. I pray that Janelle and OS find the peace and healing that they each need, and that there IS relief and healing for your pain. Your writing and ability to express yourself are beautiful. Your honesty and the reality of life does not make it any less so.

Brad said...

As you know I've not been reading here for very long, and I'm just getting to know you. I wonder if you make anytime just for your self ? I hope you can find an hour or two or five to do something just for yourself. Writing is always a good way to get stuff off your chest but time alone or with a friend doing something just for me always helps me re-charge. Peace to you Sister.


Just a heads up, I reported on my blog that spellcheck isn't working,..if you click on the HELP button up near the DASHBOARD (I think) and then click on report updates, it will list the items that have had people in blogging land climbing walls, the first one was SPELL Check. NExt to it is a blue box that says REPORT IT.

Hope it's up and running, but I for one don't pay attention to spelling errors.

Hope today went well for you!

Anonymous said...

I ditto what all your other readers say..I am here because I want to..whether you post fluff or real stuff, sad stuff, rants, awaiting the dr's report. As for Janelle, I understand your frustration...and I guess it is an understatement to say that these things take time..just keep walking with time... wounds will heal.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Jamie, all of the others have said everything I also feel and want to say. Soul, especially. Janelle is in hormone hell right now and her moods reflect that. Stand by and be there for her, but like the others have said, this is something she has to deal with in her own time and her own way. She WILL be fine, even though she doesn't think so right now.
Jamie, if you ever want to write me personally you know I welcome it. You have my email address. Sometimes when I'm upset I just write in a journal that goes nowhere. It helps.
None of us would ever leave you!!! Don't even go there! It just would not happen. We all love you and feel your hurt.
I'm praying that the dr. will have good news but if he doesn' will deal with it and we will be here for you...always. Don't forget that. So write to your heart's content......we will embrace your words and we will comfort one another and by doing that we will all heal. Yes we will. Big hugs to you...can you FEEL the love? We sure are sending it your way. I wish you peace and God's blessings, dear friend.

Kelly Jene said...

I think the best thing is to keep getting it out. I know I don't know you well, but from all that I've read, you need to keep having an outlet. This is your blog, it's not here to please anyone but you. In truth, WE are blessed to be made a part of your life.

For your daughter, all I know is the hurting doesn't seem to stop at first. There will be tears days, there will be numb days, there will be angry days.

I had to make a decision too about my baby and before God took care of it Himself, I wondered if it was the right thing to do, was I doing something wrong. It's all natural. All I can say is keep trying to be there as much as you can.

I am so sorry your neck is hurting as bad as before. When I realized my back was at it again just months after my surgery in 2001, it was with much dread. You are in my prayers. Really. I never just say that.

Keep getting it out, keep purging. Otherwise emotions back up like a stinky toilet. ;)

Amanda said...

Of course I wish that you wouldn't have to go through all of this, but reading about it does not drive me away. Frankly, I'm glad you're open about things here.

I understand Janelle. While I wasn't a pragmatic person at first I became this way after motherhood, so I can see both sides of the matter. Things will look a lot more different in a few years but patience right now is probably the best...

Have had some success with the mind over matter for panic attacks, but this is not possible for everyone. May your son can find whatever solution best for him.


I hope and pray this setback is nothing lasting.

Rebecca said...

Jamie, I am glad you let this all out. It is just too huge to carry inside by yourself.

RE: Janelle, I will only offer that she might be undergoing hormonal readjustment right now that exacerbates everything to the point of madness. Maybe once the hormones balance back out, and the grief abates just a bit, it will get a little easier. She'll second guess herself for a long time regardless. Maybe it would have helped to have had someone examine the fetus for proof positive? Who knows. Maybe she can speak with the person who did it, and know more positively. Maybe that is all she needs is irrefutable proof positive that this was as bad as purported.

I am glad your son is getting the help he needs, too. Exercise can ward off a LOT. I know when I can't get mine, i get damned cranky, and I'm not fighting anxiety (other than that which all wives and mothers experience on a daily).

Please don't worry that you'll run folks off. If they run let 'em. The rest of us will be around. You are not the least bit self pitying or whiny. Live can deal a rough hand. You're playing it. It would suck to fold now!