Tuesday, July 17, 2007

It's not unusual...

It will be miserably hot here, once again. I am wondering if this summer is worse than usual, or if I am just getting that old. It seems to be more extreme in all things, extremely hot, extremely humid, extremely wet....Iowa.

I am playing hooky today. I told Owner last evening I had a need for a personal day. I don't think I told the others that should know about it however, so I will have to send a few emails to the different departments this morning so that i can handle a few loose ends. What will I do? I am unsure. I plan to do a little cathartic cleaning, for one thing. And I have got to go to the store. You all know how much I love to shop....that is one thing that I am missing H for. Not that I just want him to do my shopping, but I am a realist. In many ways, he made my life easier. I want to make sure that isn't WHY I keep him around. Holy shit, that sounds really bad. I want to assure you that i love him. I probably need to assure ME that I love him. I think I told you all a long time ago that i forgot how to feel ANYTHING. I need to work on that. Before we can put this back together. And I have some things to figure out that only involve me, and my kids. I am now unsure of what he really thinks along those lines. As far as I have always known, they have not been any cause for problems where he is concerned. Why do I think that? Because that is what he has ALWAYS told me. And now, I find out, perhaps he hasn't always been all that honest about it. I don't like dishonesty. I don't like NOT saying it the way it is, regardless of the aftershock. I always say things the way I believe them to be. Generally, I don't go around giving my opinions unsolicited, but if you take the time to ask what I think, I will tell you what i think. Seems pretty simple to me. So I assume that if I ask you something, you will do the same. I never assume you say what I want you to say. If that were the case, why would I ask you? To find out that alot of things have been left unsaid, alot of things have been downright lied about....well, that doesn't sit well with me. I know my kids are a pain in the ass. Hell, that is the premise for my whole blog. But they are only as much of a pain in the ass as I allow them to be. I also know that. I bitch, all the while I am doing for them. I do for them because I choose to. No one makes me. Yes, he is correct, I do bitch about it. I just didn't think he wanted to bitch about it, too. Am I saying this whole mess with him revolves around my kids and his issues with them/it? Not at all. But it is surprising to me that it is any kind of issue. So, that is one thing. I could let all of this go, he has already told me that it is not a big enough deal to cause this sort of problems. But it is time to deal with it. I don't want to deal with it all again later. And yes, it would be easier to let him come back like he requested yesterday, particularly at two in the morning, when my heart hurts and I can't sleep. But I believe the real problems need to be dealt with first. Yes, I know that is risky, either one of us could decide that we prefer the single life. But i am a gambler. Out.

10 comments:

SOUL: said...

hi ...
i just anted to come over, before i get things rolling .. i know.. i should already be DONE rollin.. but i haven't moved yet. need to now.
anyhow. i hope this all does work out, i hope you are ok.
thinkin of you lots .
me

Josie Two Shoes said...

Hey Jamie! A personal day sounds just right... and well deserved! You hardly ever have a real break. It sounds to me like, despite the pain, you are going about this whole thing the right way - wanting to get things sorted out and then see if you can make it work. I KNOW how hard it is not to say, "Yes, come back", when your heart is screaming, but you are right that it only makes it harder to get to the bottom of issues. I am like you, I want people to tell me the truth, whether it's a truth that I like or not. Truth I can deal with, I am not a mindreader - neither are you. What I want for you is to find the best path to your happiness and peace, no matter what path you decide that is. You know we'll be behind you every step of the way. Kids, yeah, never an easy moment, and harder for step-parents. But they are part of our package, and we do the best we can with it. You just hang in there, and take a little time to do something fun for yourself today. You are worth it!!

JYankee said...

I can feel where you're coming from.. "If I take the time to ask you, I'd like a honest answer"...yeah I don't like dishonesty or mind "games" or whatever... but it is very brave of you to take that "gamble" to sort yourselves out...to see if it's worth getting back together or deciding things different.

"Wolfgang" said...

Yes, it's risky, but sometimes it's necessary to step back and gain some perspective. It would be nearly impossible to draw a map of a city just by standing on the sidewalks during rush hour. It's a lot easier if you get the right perspective, like hiring an airplane or a helicopter and looking at everything from a distance. This way, you're able to see everything as a unified whole, and not just disjointed images as everything goes past you at the speed of life.

Again, I wish you the best in your exploration. It is important and you and he both be honest with each other and, most importantly, yourselves.

Enjoy your day, no matter what. Just don't get sick again.

Amanda said...

I can totally relate to the "i forgot how to feel ANYTHING." And the daily grind isn't exactly helping with that...

Proxima Blue said...

Hi Jamie,

From this post and the few back it sounds like your doing some mental housecleaning, trying to put things in perspective and in their place. It's an important thing to do, just don't let yourself get too caught up in the web of difficult memories. You have to keep marching forward, even if they are small steps.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your father and marriage. I always tell myself, "As long as there is another day, it is a day to make things better."

Do something fun for yourself.
Take Care,
-P

Anonymous said...

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CCC said...

I am a gambler too. Life is all about risk lady. Just look at me and Roscoe. Seven years. HUGE risk,

Stay strong. These things do work out, so long a sthe two of you *want* it to work out.

Portia said...

ew, proxima what a great idea...pamper yourself. take this time for just YOU and let your kids & H take care of themselves...they will still all be there after you do whatever it is that might help you relax and refocus. relax. is that a funny word to you? it is to me, i laughed when someone told me to go home and take a bubble bath the other day, with a bottle of wine...but i wish i had done it.

Angelissima said...

ugh! men!
Why don't they understand that when they get involved with a woman with kids..its a package deal. Seriously...it is.

I dated a guy for a few years whom I LOVEEED so much. Or so I thought. He was actually very abusive in a subtle way. He flat out told me he hated my kids?!?!?!

Why I didn't run I don't know. LOVE I guess. Or what I thought was love...actually just lonliness, neediness. I regret that part of my life like you wouldn't believe.