Thursday, May 24, 2007

Eyes wide open

I am becoming my parents. Shit. Not just my mother, or my father, but a combination of BOTH of them. And while each of them has/had many qualities that I wouldn't mind carrying forward, I am NOT talking about those. No, I am talking about the BAD ones. It sucks when you realize that a statement you just made could have come out of your mother's mouth. Or the attitude you are wearing on a particular day was your father's, exactly. How in the hell does that happen, when you have spent very LIFE trying NOT to be what they were? But you know the really, really scary thing about this discovery? I don't care. I really don't care that I am more like them every day. I am what I am. (Green eggs and ham). Seriously, I just am. I am tired of having to "fix" me. I am a kind person, I am not purposefully mean spirited, bitchy, or the tyrant that either of them could be at any given time. But I am very strict with myself, (my father), and I am pretty strict with those around me,(again my father), and I expect everyone to do the right thing (good old dad, again, although he expected that of others, never himself), and I am the glue that keeps my family together, (my mother), I love my kids more than life itself (my mother, which really is a terrible burden sometimes, but that's another post), and i just want to be left alone for the most part (my father), and i think most relationships are not worth my time (my father)...shall I go on? It's interesting to me that i am more like my father than my mom---years ago, I would have shot myself for thinking like this. But while he was a true prick with a capital "P", even the bad in him can be turned to the good. He could make any problem go away-he was a rescuer-my mother was ALWAYS the rescuee-and thank goodness that if I have to be like either one of them in that respect, I am also the rescuer. I hate helpless women, people in general....In any event, just an interesting train of thought while I couldn't sleep last night.....

New medication is creating problems with sleep, and I don't need help in that area. I already have enough sleepless nights. My pain level is through the roof, so far NOT the results I had hoped for, but I plan to give it waaay more time, frankly - if this one doesn't work, I don't know what will.

Work is making me crazy, also don't need any help there - I've got plenty of crazy to spare.

Damn, I am tired this morning. I may try to sleep a little while longer, I have about an hour before I need to get it in gear. Have a wonderful Thursday!


Amanda said...

I was considering this the other day. How I've become both my father and mother. For example, while I'm prone to impulsive action (both of them) I'm also been given the ability to deal with the consequences. (both of them) I also find it hard to admit defeat because I'm a stubborn mule. Fall down 7 times, get up 8. (both of them again) Yes they are way too much alike. (Maybe because they were related in the first place. :)

I hope the issues with the new medication even out soon.

Alissa said...

Hi, I found you by way of Josie.

As I was reading, I was taking my own inventory, and damn it, you're right. I am a blend of my parents, but I find it annoying, because I spent years in therapy trying to avoid it! I guess the good news for me is that I seem to have bypassed the really bad traits from them, and found my balance with what I did get.

Josie said...

It is said that you aren't a true adult until you find the words of your parents coming out of your mouth... and what a horriffic moment of self-discovery that is! Remember all those times we said as kids "I will NEVER do that when I'm grown up"...and then we do! I like to imagine it's buried somewhere in genetic codes - at least then I'd have an excuse! :-)