Tuesday, January 30, 2007

It wasn't at all pretty.

I hesitate to write this post, but let's face it, I am what I am. And what I am (was) last evening was PISSED. MAD. INFURIATED. I like to think that I am above all that shit, because, well frankly, very few in my life mean enough to me to get me so all-fire pissed off. I detest displays of temper, I hate fits, I despise the ugliness that goes along with such vile feelings that it cannot be kept off of the face. At this point, I would like to say that I am NOT one to run from confrontation, I say bring it on if it is necessary, and in this world, it is necessary alot. However, very little of that shit gets to ME, I generally enjoy watching the other party make a total ass of themselves by being so caught up in all of it. But, I digress. Last evening, it WAS me. I lost my cool, said things that I honestly meant, although I really should not have said them in the way I did, with the delivery that I had. I have a tongue that can slice a person literally in half, and when I get that pissed, I am totally unable to listen. I am right. I mean, seriously, I am right. OR I wouldn't BE that mad. I don't fight for what is mine, I don't get in that shape for some form of PERSONAL gain. I get pissed at general human asshole-ness, I get MAD when some are so fucking blind to the needs of someone else,(not me), and I feel that I do MY part, I give way more than I should, and I detest selfishness, and the ME of this whole fucking planet. I could not help the current situation or I would have gone and taken care of it myself, but I was stuck at work until eight pm, and the target of my rage was in the same town, within a few blocks of the party that needed help. She has always been self absorbed, selfish, and what she wants is most important. I made a mess of the familial unit, I opened my mouth, and then the ugly side of her personality and those that inhabit the house with her, got involved in it, and it only got uglier. I am sorry that all of it happened, and i made a comment that upon examination is understandably hurtful, and what i meant was not what it came out to be, but dammit, don't get your ass involved if no one has called your damned name. I did try to explain the comment, but I was once again hung up on so fuck it. I will hear from them when they need something from me. Just like always. I have never been anything more to them, so why does it matter now? I do understand that all of us have issues, and she certainly has her share, but doesn't this whole family have something or other to deal with? It's always, "you don't know what I'm going through." No, and I really don't care, at this time. Our MOTHER, our mother, needs help. She is getting old, and she is not well, and soon we will not have her, and she needs you and you won't help her? I don't understand that. Not even a little bit. Don't you see that she is our MOTHER? Don't you see that you have taken and taken and taken from her, and that now and then, she might just NEED something from you? I would give anything to have the same proximity to her that you have, then she would not need anything. Ever. But, for all this shit, I am sorry. It makes me feel bad to get so upset. I don't mean that i feel bad mentally, I mean physically. It hurts my body and my spirit to get this emotional. It is never worth it, although I did manage to get Mom the help she needed. It shouldn't have to be that way. I cannot do everything that she needs done, but i can help, even with the miles between us. I intend to take care of some of it today. Later.

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