Friday, October 13, 2006

A short trip to Crazyville

Holy Crap! Am I so out of it that i could make a mistake that huge? A payment of nearly $600 due? How could I be that far over limit----why was the purchase not declined? I knew something wasn't right, because I got the other statement the day before, and I thought "great, maybe I was thinking wrong" Yes, I WAS thinking wrong, I wasn't thinking at all! I am so pissed at myself! I really don't believe I can be trusted with anything important-a very comforting thought considering the job I have. And it wasn't like I was taking the so called miracle pills yet, so I can't blame that. Shit. It really isn't THAT big of a deal, I will manage to pay it, it's just that I am so fucked up lately. Maybe I am just getting to old, and a little senile? No, not that. I am just fucked up-and I need un-fucking. Damn.

Enough of that. D got her new couch (and chair) hopefully, it will help a little. She took OS with her, apparently, he hates school and will not be returning after this semester. I hate that, I was so excited when he returned. I was really hoping that he would find a life there. I really don't care what any of them do, I just want them to be happy. I want them to wake up most days and be happy to see the sun come up. Does anyone feel that way? I do - but i probably didn't when I was their age. Why does half our life have to be over before we can appreciate the things that are really important? All my offspring seem to be searching for something, something that probably isn't out there, and I really don't think they even know what they are looking for. I DON'T remember feeling that way--I knew what I wanted, and I was busy with taking care of it long before i was any of the ages that they are now. A husband, a family, I was married at eighteen, had D at nineteen (nearly twenty). I don't necessarily recommend that for them, but I really wish they would find something to give them the meaning that I found in my husband and kids. Maybe I didn't know I had something of meaning then, it seems that I was so busy taking care of all of it that I didn't have the time to think it all over. Life is what it is, and no more. It has ways of taking you places that you never expected, good and bad. God gave us (the lucky ones) a good mind to take care of it,handle it, and deal with it. I have always thought that even the most wonderful thing on the planet can be literally "thought" to death. I really believe that things should be thought out, but then ACTED on, as thinking can quickly turn stinking. Pretty early for my philosophies, I probably should go get another cup of coffee. Over and Out.

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