Wednesday. It was just the weekend. I am feeling like my life is leaving me behind. I will get out of bed and think, another week, then before i know it, that week is over. It is October already---that cannot be. My youngest child will be a full fledged adult in one week, although who(m?)ever decided that 21 was totally grown is so, so WRONG. I don't think anyone should even begin to qualify until they are about 30. Most of us just begin to understand things about that age. Until then, most everything that we think and do is so ridiculously ME oriented that we shouldn't be allowed to make decisions. I do see positive signs of maturity in my YS, it's a wonderful thing, one that I thought would never come. Of my three, he has caused me (perhaps) the most worry, concern, sleepless nights, did I mention worry? I tried and tried to make him understand things that I really believed that he would never get---and really, I am suspecting that he might have known many of them all along. The thing that I think I have been most guilty of when it comes to my children (and maybe the majority of us have been guilty of) is that no matter how hard you try to take it out of them, they ARE a product of what the MOTHER and the FATHER are made of, and some things, good or bad-are in them, and cannot be removed. Over the years of being married to their dad,I began to recognize character issues that I hadn't considered would be a part of my kids. I really believed that teaching them other ways of thinking and showing them other ways of living could actually change what they are. Within the last few years, it has amazed me, the similarities between them and their father. I am not saying he isn't a good person, he really is. I am saying that some of his values and beliefs aren't necessarily what I would have chosen to repeat in my children, but I was too young to understand or see that when I was choosing my life's course. I knew that they would probably LOOK like their dad (everyone knows that)--and they all do, especially my sons, my youngest is like looking back in time to about 30 years. It takes my breath at times---just like their dad did, back then. I sound like i think that ALL of my own character is quite perfect, and I don't think that at all, they absolutely inherited much of me, as well. Some of me is okay, some isn't. I grew up with the "do as I say, not as I do" rule, and I hated, hated, HATED that I was expected to act differently, while my parents acted like asses. So, I learned early on in my life, that example is the best teacher. And that's what I thought was the key to parental success. Not so much. When I was growing up, I (at times) felt that I was completely on my own, that there was NO ONE that I could count on, and it was important to me for all of my kids to know that no matter what, I would be there for them. I feel that I have-in every way. I still am and have to be. I don't know if that's a bad thing, has that set them up to "run to mom" with every little thing? Maybe. But still, to me, it's better than feeling that NO ONE is on your side. But I digress a little, because I was saying that much of what they are is what I believe their dad is---and while I think that a child's beliefs, values and actual persona can be shaped, it is still going to be somewhat made up of who they are born to. I really think that their dad is a hugely pessimistic, narcissistic, self absorbed man. I am not sure if he always was, or that is what he has become in the later years. In any event, a couple of my kids tend to think that way, although I think maturity can help. (?) No matter how good things are, for him it has never been good enough. Nothing and i mean NOTHING has ever been his own fault. I really, really hate that one. I think that over the years, my kids have learned or are beginning to learn that their own actions have usually caused their own problems. I hope. I also believe that their whole generation is the ME group, and some of what they are has also been shaped by outside sources. Ugh, this is too much heavy duty thinking for five am---time for another cup of coffee--and a little lighter subject.
I heard from D again yesterday, it's wonderful, talking to her. She is apparently doing pretty okay. OS came into work yesterday, it's always good to see him. I talked to YS for a little while, and his GF came into see me at work. She goes to college nearby, and usually stops in to see me, or use my computer. She makes me laugh. Really laugh. It is always a bright spot in my day to see her. From what I have seen, she is always up, always finding humor. In my mind, a perfect choice for YS---he tends to be more dry, serious, generally pissy at times, and I think she brings him "up".
Damn, it's late. I'd better get with it---hope your day is as good as it can possibly be!
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