Thursday, October 05, 2006

It's too early for this...

Thursday -- another 12 hour day. They are getting to hard for me in my old age. Tired this morning, I didn't sleep much last night. I just laid there, awake. Lots of things going around and around in my mind. I watched a disturbing talk show last night, the content was disturbing to me because the guests that were on were all suicide survivors. While that in itself was enough to bother me, what really worries me is that I recognized alot of the same feelings in myself. I am not a suicidal person, or I have never thought I was. I come from a family with a history of it, and i have seen what it can do to the loved ones. I have worried about it recently where my mother is concerned, because a person can only take so much physical pain. But I was shocked to hear that so many of the things that I feel, were felt by ALL of the guests on that show. I have no desire to die, I could not do that to my kids, H, or family. But it shook me. I wanted to tell H about it when he got home, but by the time he did, i decided that I was making something out of nothing. Maybe it was only the brown bottles talking, but it made me cry, although I do alot of that lately. At nothing--a movie, a commercial, at nothing at all. It's so hard for me to talk to someone, it just takes too damned much energy. I HATE not being understood, I hate that look that the listener gets on their face, like I am speaking Chinese, or I have just grown another head. So I don't talk about anything important. And lets face it, who really wants to hear that kind of shit? I went to a counselor this year, I thought that might help me sort out some of the things that were going on, and while I liked her, i just don't have the energy to talk about all of it. This thing relates to that thing, and you don't know about that thing because it takes so long to tell the story, and the things that I would end up discussing are probably the ones way in my past, because everyone believes that the past is always involved, and maybe it is, but it's just too damned time consuming to EXPLAIN it all. I know I am strange, I know I am different, most days it doesn't get in the way too much. I am sorry that you don't understand why I am that way, I think I do. H knows most of it, but it affects him little, and while i really believe that he would TRY, all of my past, my feelings, all of it is incomprehensible to him. I am not desperate, I am not having a breakdown or a crisis, none of it is necessary. It was just surprising to me. I have always had issues with control, and trust, and maybe some of that is from way back, but alot of it is due to first marriage and then the divorce. I have always believed that we are put on this earth to learn from mistakes (our own as well as others) and if you don't learn, the same lessons will repeat themselves until you do. So, for me, the answer is not to put myself out there in the same way. A person can only be hurt if they care in the first place---and while I care about many, I will never care the way I used to. How's that for first thing in the morning blogging?

The drive to work yesterday morning was beautiful. Overnight, the trees had turned, wonderful fall colors, cool air---such beauty. I love the fall but it never lasts long enough. Before you know it, winter arrives, and the cold is hard on me, and everything is so ugly, and it lasts so LONG. I enjoy every minute of this time of year. I wish I had a fireplace. They just go with the season.

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