Monday, October 09, 2006

He doesn't know that I know

Can it possibly be Monday again? It was an okay weekend, some parts were good, others were really, really bad. Yesterday was a good day, but it was long. H was late getting home, and I found myself really missing him. That's a new development. I shut off the feelings in me so many years ago that it's surprising to me that he has hung around. I believe I stated in a previous post that I will never be hurt again, and the way to avoid that is to never let anyone get close enough to do it. I have decided recently that my attitude is wrong, and I really want to change it. I am not sure how to go about it, but I am working on it. I do love him, that has never been in question, but I have loved him at an arms length, and while losing him from there would hurt me, it would not destroy me like the loss of my first marriage did. I have decided that there is some merit to my thinking, but that I could quite possibly be missing out on a lot by not letting myself feel. It is a scary step to take, and not one I am sure that I can succeed in. I have always wondered what kind of person would want to be around a woman that holds back more than fifty percent of herself; why would he stay? I know he loves me, there has never been a doubt. The only answer that I can come up with is that he has never had a relationship where ALL of the person has been given, he has never experienced that kind of closeness. I could be that he isn't interested in a relationship like that, or that he isn't even aware that he doesn't have it. There is truth in the "you can't miss it if you haven't ever known it" theory.We have been exclusively together for nearly 13 years, married for more than ten. Sometimes I feel bad for holding so much of me back for so long, but he did agree to it in the beginning. I TOLD him that I had to do it that way, he was okay with it back then, I assume he's still okay with it today. But I am beginning to MISS the feelings that go along with totally committed. The knowing that you can count on another person no matter what. He had never, ever, EVER let me down. EVER. He has always tried to understand, he has always supported what I thought, or tried to do. He has had some EXTREMELY trying times with my kids and I, and he has never behaved in a less than honorable way. Never. If there ever was a person to put all your trust in, it would have to be him. So why is this so hard for me? He puts up with me when he really shouldn't. He always tells me that everything will be okay. I know how lucky I am, I know how grateful I am. I thank God for him every day. I just don't think he knows that I know. I have got to change that.

I will be working today, but from home. I have book work for both places, although I should be finished with that pretty early. Than I have to cook--so many different things, I will never get out of the kitchen. I am not looking forward to it, but it will be good to know what we are going to do beginning next month, and mostly it will be good to know how. I am always better after I have figured things out. I guess I'd better get to it.

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