Monday, October 16, 2006

Bad memories

It has been a monday, dark, rainy, dreary. I am still at work, it has been a busy day. Ys's GF came in today and helped me with some long-overdue organization, she always makes me laugh. I have felt somewhat better today, I didn't take the little miracle pill this am. So much for that grand idea. I still believe I need something, but this obviously isn't the one, so tomorrow, when my dr is back in his office, I will have to call and ask for a different little miracle pill. I really hope there is such a thing-I have really been bumming for quite a while. Old memories, things that upset me, keep bubbling to the surface, I don't know if that's normal, they are REAL memories after all, but why are they coming around now? I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, is that they way that everyone feels? I don't know. I probably am totally crazy, nothing would surprise me anymore. Although I really don't believe that. My childhood was a blur of mostly bad, at least the first seven or eight years of it, and those are the things that i find myself dealing with - walking in the pouring rain with my poor mother and older sister, to a hell-hole-pig-sty that belonged to a family friend, and knowing that being there would be BETTER than being at home, in my bed, with the monster that was my father in the house. I don't believe I had ever felt so sorry for anyone in my life (up that point), as I did my mother that evening. It was dark, cold and raining. and we were WALKING. because the prick had disabled the car (again) so she couldn't leave. We were carrying suitcases, and it was a long way. And the sad part was, I was happy to do it. I was seriously afraid that he was going to kill my mother, and there was no way I would survive if that happened. She looked half dead as it was, bruised, beaten, hurt, crying. I cannot stand the thought to this day of ANYONE hurting my mother, in any small way. I walked around in fear until I was more than ten years old, that i would come home from school and find her dead, or wake up in the morning and find her dead. I have often wondered if she knew that, but i really don't think she ever did. It's way too late to talk to her about it now, she has gotten old, and has re-written all of the past. That used to make me mad, but I understand now. It's the only way she has been able to cope with all of it. The funny part is, I have never held any of it against her. I have never really held any of it against him, okay, maybe for a while, but I got over that. He died nearly two years ago, and I really have let it all go. Or at least I thought I had---why is all of this coming up now? My childhood was hell, so what, most kids can say the same. In any event, I thought that maybe if I wrote about all of it, that it might help get it out of me, and those that were involved need never know. My sister had it worse than me, she was older, she understood more than I did. She is truly an amazing person, she really holds no grudges. She has let every little bit of it go. I have often wondered how she has managed that, but I know the answer. She is the best Christian I know. And I know that God can heal anything. That's how. Such desperate, desperate times. Fear in everything, from something as simple as having dinner at the table, him screaming to me to eat the coleslaw, and me crying that I couldn't, (the very smell made me sick, still does to this day)and him forcing it down my throat, and then of course I threw up, and then my mother got in the middle of it, and earned a fat lip for her trouble. I felt so guilty---I really wanted to eat that shit, I tried, I couldn't have been more than four or five, but it really did turn my stomach. Then of course I cried harder because my mommy was bleeding, and i had throw up all over me and the dinner table. She ran outside, he would NEVER act like a monster in front of anyone else, so he left her alone, the neighbors might see. They HAD to know what was going on in that house, they HAD to. But no one ever said a least not to me. Ugh-enough for now. I don't know if I CAN do this, I don't know if I should. Okay, happy subject--------

OS and D are getting quite close, traveling together-I like that. In fact, all three of them have been getting along better than they ever have. That is a dream come true for me, because I really believe that I would never have made it without my sisters, and I want that for my kids. They are all different, but they can still be friends. So that makes me happy. Enough for now -over and out.

1 comment:

SOUL: said...

damn. i can't believe this post has been up this long and no one has said anything.
i know you aren't the type to want pity, or sympathy or whatever the word is. but .... i feel so bad for you about all of this. it isn't pity though.
ok i'll shut up.